On Verbal Diarrhea

On Verbal Diarrhea

I believe that everyone has experienced some form of verbal diarrhea in life where they feel guilt, shame, remorse, and a need to constantly apologize for letting their mouths run inappropriately in a public space. Yes, in public. When it happens in private, those negative emotions rarely follow since letting it all out in private is the sign of an emotionally potty trained human being, nothing to be ashamed of. Of course accidents happen, but they are mainly forgotten or overlooked when they solely occur on rare occasions. We aren’t perfect beings but not everyone (me) appreciates being a bottomless emotional toilet at the whim of a loose arsehole.

Some people never learned how to get it out in private. These people habitually verbal-diarrhea all over their coworkers, family members, and friends on a regular basis. They were trained to spew immediately upon the slightest urge by people they grew up or attracted along the way with similar or compatible social games. Regardless they are unaware that there is a more sanitary way.

There is hope for these people. They most likely have already mastered the art of using real toilets in private so they can apply the same technique to their runny emotions. Upon suspicion that a sticky monologue is brewing, one can politely excuse themselves from their current company. Once exited, they should find a safe place to properly excrete their inappropriate thoughts and feelings. One of the many office private rooms, long walks on the beach, small closets, behind cars, etc. are all examples of healthy places to do this kind of business.

Once finished, it is necessary to clean oneself up and tactfully return to the social scene. If suddenly a relapse is thought to happen, it is totally acceptable to re-excuse oneself and start over until empty.

It is important to reflect on what was encountered or consumed that may have caused these thoughts to come out with such a fluid, un-refined rush. Was alcohol (aka truth serum) involved either recently or the night before? Were you disgustedly assaulted by someone else’s verbal diarrhea and felt the need to fire back or vent on someone else with your own? Or perhaps you genuinely felt ill, skipped lunch (low blood sugar), have too much stress and just lost control? All these factors should be throughly anal-yzed and understood to ensure that next time one can be more prepared to efficiently avoid the need for intense dire relief by: drinking less, seeing specialist doctors, keeping snacks handy, avoiding other loose arseholes altogether, or just simply taking better care of one’s self by managing their own happiness.

Practice is key to maintaining healthy relationships not only in one’s personal life, but also one’s professional life as well.

My many depressions

My many depressions

Depression comes in many forms and at many different types of times.  It doesn’t usually just start one day and then suddenly leave me like my exboyfriend.  It blends in and out of life, feeding off my decisions, exposing the badness of them quietly.  My subconscious brain can only deal with the growing depression for so long before she starts expressing her need to change habits and routines.  The problem is that she doesn’t speak in verbal language while I am usually so caught up in adapting to my external world that I fail to notice that she’s saying anything at all.

The depression exploits this internal communication gap by hyjacking my sensitivities to perform in tandem with my subconscious brain’s attempts to alert me that I need to change my ways.  Subconscious brain says we need to go to sleep early to be well rested for work.  Depression has me over sleep my Alarm anyway so I’m late.  Was being tired early, sleeping excessively, or waking up late the subconscious brain signal?  I usually can’t tell.  So I adapt.  I find a balance in this push and pull.  Depression often has root in my external world anyway so I’m even further under its spell.

Depressions attract other depressions who further suck my energy, though for shorter periods of time.  Had the underlying depression not been in place, these devils would have been shrugged off and barely even noticed.  But they are instead brought straight in like a virus to show me how much worse I could feel about myself due to current external factors.  Truth is, there is always, 100% of the time something to feel bad about.  But I only choose to see it that way when I’m under depression’s spell.  Those jerks leave me alone eventually and my emotions settle down to the happiest I can be which is still depressed but with an extra feeling of relief.

I only know this because I’ve seen it many times from the outside.  During rare breaks of purity, happiness and free time are so abundant that even my subconscious brain is strong enough to keep all depressions far far away!  Only then can I look back and see extactly what was causing the dark mental fog to linger over me.

Each depression was different, some made me a sad drunk or an angry drunk.  Some were caused purely by a single person whom I now avoid with the utmost joy.  Jobs bring their own depression but not all of them.  Some big depressions join forces, like debt and a job.  My most recent escape.

These were unique in that the debt depression lasted the duration of the debt, six years.  Whereas the job was only the last two of that.  I feel the most relief from the job depression because it is receding much faster. My boss no longer has any control over me and he finally realized that.  No one is watching my time.  I come and go as I please.

The debt depression will continue to reveal what it has stolen from me over the next few months.  The growing list thus far includes my vanity, sense of style, generosity, stuff maintenance, and the ability to just visit with people.  The most difficult to grasp is my dreams for the future.  I stopped creating them.  I was so miserable and overwhelmed with loss that I focused all my energy into getting out debt.  I simply couldn’t afford to be myself if it meant living with that depression any longer than I absolutely had to.  I gave up a lot of myself to pursue this goal, but I would have given up just as much had I never embarked on it in the first place.  This was my chance at achieving a higher level of happiness.  It’s working, slowly.

I’m finally here, able to grow again my way.  I just need to figure out where to go from here.

 

 

Taming the Wild

Taming the Wild

I envision that in my old age, after all the major phases of life have passed, I’ll often ponder back on my old emotions. I’ll spend time remembering how long it took me to classify and name them all; how hard it was to tame them to the point that I can appear in public flawlessly, without incident. I’m sure by then they will sit in my mental tool box as neatly arranged packages, patiently waiting until I decide which ones I need to use for life’s now commonplace occurrences. I imagine that by then, they will know how to take their turn and so very few of them will take me by surprise. Even if I am by chance caught off guard, I will have already developed a technique for being caught off guard and so will not cause anyone alarm. Thus all this time I now spend starring endlessly at my ceiling, pondering what the hell just happened, will eventually be spent on more practical tasks. Though I am sure I will miss these ‘oh so wild states of fits and passion’ that so wrongly embarrass and haunt me, by then I will probably yearn to encounter new pieces of myself and wish that it all wasn’t so well organized….

-Singapore June 2012

On not reading books lately

On not reading books lately

I didn’t read any novels last year; down from one in 2016, 13 in 2015, 11 in 2012, five in 2013, and 21 in 2012.  I tend to read fun stuff more when I travel to fill in empty time and I tend to study for classes when I’m home to build my career up.  Up to what?  I don’t know.  I have no calling, no drive to service.  I seek uninterrupted free time.  I am my most happy and content self when time and money are abundant, even if only in bursts.  It feels like childhood again.  All my needs met while I lazily watch I Love Lucy and laugh.  Not a care in the world.

Books are too dramatic when I’m home in my career state.  I’m disillusioned by how the author just throws obstacles at their protagonists.  I have enough problems to solve in my real life, I can’t handle being kept even more in suspense while some fictional character solves problems that wouldn’t have existed if their author hadn’t bothered to write them down.  I need practical reality in my career state.  I’m focused on my optimal level of success, not hanging out in la la land while my student loan perpetually charges me more money on funds I spent 8 years ago.

Financial mountain climbing.  Of course I take breaks, but they’ve not been so satisfying for the past 6 years since student loan reality set in.  They’ve been necessary to pace myself, but they’ve prolonged this torment due to the Sisyphus effect they have on my mountain climbing.  Three steps forward, two steps back.  Not quite like Sisyphus, thank fully because I haven’t had to start all over each time.

I did buy a book the other day… and I am half way through it.  I can feel my other self waking up a bit.  I’ve only got three point five weeks to freedom, so maybe it is about time I start to color my world a bit more.

 

On Advertising

On Advertising

Education.  Education is gold.  It is an elitist goal to achieve higher and higher levels of education.  Only through education is one able to discern the mechanisms at play in the world. Have you ever seen a TV commercial begging you to create a gmail account?  What about YouTube? no.  I don’t watch much TV, but I’ve seen it enough to not have seen these ads.  Why haven’t I seen any bus station propaganda signs for Amazon.  They might exist in Seattle, but not in Southern California.  Why?  Because they don’t need to advertise.  They don’t need a bigger fan base.  They don’t need to trick people into buying their products.  Their products’ reputations sell themselves.

So then how do we apply that logic to the rest of the products that require advertising?  In an off beat way.  Media is an advertisement in the same way that Disneyland is one big advertisement for animation/film productions which are a front for the real money maker of licensing.  They use entertainment to shine light on the 1% of the world that needs more attention.  It needs attention because it isn’t getting enough attention from the small groups of people who currently care about it.  Less educated and experienced people assume that what they see is the whole world.  Anyone is refuses to get on an airplane lack some serious sense.

They truly believe that the advertised and dramatized world is the WORLD.  They don’t realize that most of the world operates behind the scenes off camera.  Why is this a problem?  Well a ton of people still can’t get jobs.  People are taught to believe that wrinkled women are worth less.  Post menopausal women are not considered capable because no one is advertising on their behalf.  But men who want to be women make headline news. Keep in mind, that post menopausal women of the modern age are very much broke and in the very last years of their capable working years.  That time is very crucial for how they are going to pay for their elderly convalescents once their husbands die.  That is just one example of those who advertising has forgotten.

It all goes back to education.  Why can personal finance be a high school math class?  Why can’t home economics be a legit major?  Because there would be less dumb people to advertise and sell pointless shit to.  If people really knew how big the world is, it would be much more difficult for them to believe that the 40 hour work week is just the next best version of indentured servitude (which is better than slavery).  Society runs off the idea that the broke man can achieve something through hard work.  So society creates bogus “hard work” in the form of pointless meetings, lack of IT infrastructure, and a general belief that people need to put in “their time.”  If you make a point to education yourself by getting out in the world, you can see how it ticks.  You’ll see that all the advertising is just the needy yelling to divert your attention to the small part of the world that most people don’t actually care about.  Otherwise, they wouldn’t need to advertise.

Old People

Old People

I miss all my old people.  Funny thing is that I didn’t miss most of them much after they died.  They were well-old enough to die naturally.  I doubt they were in much more pain at death than they were over the last few months of life.  All those aches and pains probably got some relief when the power shut off to their brains. Anniversaries of all my old great aunts and uncles are scattered throughout the year.  Sometimes I remember, sometimes it’s just another day.  Of course at the time they departed there were tears and feelings of empty sadness, but life kept me moving forward.

Now, years later, it is a different kind of sadness.  My emotions have forgotten that they are dead.  Gramma and Grampa are just at their house a few towns over.  Or so it feels.  The sadness comes when I feel the need to pick up the phone and call them as if they are in their 60s, alive and well.  I don’t remember them so much as the frail, elderly people who I saw pass away.  I remember them active and relatively young enough to be a source of information and entertainment (stories of days gone by).

I miss the little things.  How they acted so interested in me.  How they looked down on me with a smile that people only give children in their family.  I can remember my great aunt’s face, all old and wrinkled, when she smiled as if she thought I was so cool.  She was born in 1909.  To her a game boy was beyond even a Jules Vern novel.

It’s weird for me to miss things about the past.  I don’t miss many things that people normally do.  Like my childhood friends.  We were going to be friends forever and now I loath the thought of ever having to awkwardly run into any of them around town.  I never had a reason to dislike all my old people.  They were situations to manage of course, but that was a given need for a elderly family member.  Unlike my old friends, nothing else in life has fully filled the void left by that by-gone generation.

There’s nothing to do with these feelings about them.  I can reminisce with those who knew them too.  Or look through old family photos.  but it all just leads to the same thing, welling up in tears of sadness that gets stronger with the thought that my parent’s generation is next.

Mindless minding

Mindless minding

If love is really attachment 99% of the time then why isn’t it romantic to say “I’m deeply attached to you?” Must be because when someone has put so much effort into a person who is missing that ever so crucial 1%, people get offended.  Being offended is a defense mechanism for extroverts who have been exhausted by the same people they crave attention from.  These individuals also would rather not accept responsibility for the fact that they willingly spend time with people who treat them like shit.  Just because everyone in their world treats them like shit doesn’t mean that everyone in the world treats them like shit.  A huge weakness of mind. A mind that not only can’t postulate other worlds, but also cannot see that other worlds (aka cultures) exist on earth.  Yet another reason to believe that earth is hell.  Intellect is a product of many, many things.  A true blessing is to have the DNA, Environment, Culture, and Freedom to express and build upon your intellect.  Some people seem destined to lack all those buckets.  Those people are spread across all families of all races and cultures.  You have to want to be smart.  You have to want to be successful.  You have to have the brains to see what is happening in the world at all levels regardless of what the media is telling you.  Climate change is just another media version of: The sky is falling!  Of course, the oceans are rising, where do you think Atlantis went when the ice age ended?  That same ice age we had last.  It’s not new.  Pollution, yes its a problem, the extent of which many people claim to understand better than others.  Why wouldn’t everyone want to live in a pristine, clean world?  That should be enough.  Beyond me.  Science, in all its honestly, is socially driven by modern problems and curiosities.  Atheists love to use science as evidence for their cunning rationality.  It’s just an acceptable excuse to avoid conflict.  Truth is many people do not need to belong to tight groups in order to feel fulfilled about their existence.  Many people do not need people at all.  This over-socialization while being forced to sit in a desk listening to lectures until the age of 18 or longer in order to afford anything above poverty-level is child abuse.  Abuse is rampant in our society, thankfully less so than 100 years ago, but still personal freedoms are not tolerated well.  One must dedicate their most precious asset (time) to achieve ever changing status in order to have nice things and live in nice environments.  Through all this we live.  We get by.   We exchange our old, beloved, obsolete knowledge for the hope that new knowledge brings.  We keep moving, keep on with the hustle.

The Freedom from Wants

The Freedom from Wants

It’s a constant struggle this habit of wanting things I don’t have.  Being aware of it is not enough to stop it from happening.  It’s ingrained deep into my sense of who I am.  I am one who scans my environment for items I identify with. I am therefore compelled to harness those ideas until I have fully merged with them.  Then it starts all over.  I am now the person who I needed to become and now I must do it again to become the next person I need to be.  Problem is this is all so exhausting and the opportunity cost is impossible to measure.  Some wants take forever to achieve.  Some wants are easy but cause longer term wants to be put off.  The juggle is constant and annoying to the point where I’d rather just not want stuff.  I’d rather just be happy with who I am because the attainment of one object often comes along with many more unforeseen objects. No want is just a simple thing.

The Future

The Future

All the cool stuff is happening in the future right now and I am stuck in the present just watching it all happen over and over and over.  All my possible futures are happening right behind my eyes and all I’m doing is sitting here watching and waiting endlessly for my turn to play life to its fullest again.

I find myself noticing how I have forgotten what it is like to be a child.  I’ve been strict and committed to the idea of never forgetting from about the age of 4.  I say 4 because 4 is the age I don’t remember being, yet I remember learning this idea prior to remembering the age of 5.

Now that I know that I will have another break from employment obligations my brain has instantly gone back into summer vacation mode.  A job hopper’s dream, dream, dream come true!  This will be the first time between jobs (out of 15) that I get paid to take a break from work.  My ego is stroking itself repeating, “I’m so good at this,” over and over and I just watch and laugh carelessly in agreement as if it were actually true.  It’s not because I’m good at this.  It’s because of random timing.  I just happen to finally find a “permanent” job two years before that job was being moved out of state and it just so happens that I will get bought out of my “at-will” employment agreement.  This is really a “please don’t sue us” or a “statistically, if we buy you out of your job you are less likely to be a problem in the future” payout.

What does this have to do with summer vacation?  Summer vacation is when, not only does your environment not change, but your standard of living also goes up for those three months.  While not on summer vacation one must adhere to the norm of civilized educated society by showing up at a location at a specific time and paying attention to/remaining in that specific location for a specific period of time.  None of that happens on summer vacation.  None.  On summer vacation I sleep when I want to sleep, I eat when I want to eat, I talk to people when I want to talk to people, and best of all I drive when I want to drive. I am essentially my true self.  Not this mercenary self who is well aware her student debt needs to be paid off in order to move forward in life.

It’s the need to be a mercenary that has created its own survival personality.  This is survival in its simplest form.  I should be grateful that my survivor personality is not a staring victim of war or a self defending warrior of a warring nation.  No, mine is one of a bored middle class adventurer.  Very first world problem, thank. god.  But that’s what I’ve got and thats the biggest problem my almost unemployed brain wants to go with.  The fact that playtime is nearing in 100% of it’s truest form (of the likes I have not seen for more than a decade) and I have forgotten how to play.

For years my hobbies have been dwindling out of my everyday routine.  All my favorite toys are collecting dust in my closet or under my bed.  I think of them often but am too put off by the amount of work it takes to play with them.  I’d rather not start than get half way through, not finish, but still have a huge mess to clean up.  That’s what she said 😉

I’ve seen no point in continuing activities that aren’t going to actually and practically get me ahead in the world.  I haven’t had the mental energy to juggle too many ideas at a given time.  I dislike my day being full of scheduled activities and feeling obligated to clean off my to-do list.  I’m an essentially sick of many things that used to fly me away into happiness.  They say that is a sign of depression.  If so, I’m the happiest depressed person that I’ve ever met.  Maybe I was depressed and didn’t know it and suddenly I’m not depressed and have forgot the extremity of where I was a few weeks ago before I found out that I have the opportunity to be myself again (for a long time) very, very soon.   In that case it wouldn’t matter, at least not until I’m back down to a level that relates, which would be in the future where apparently not only cool stuff is happening.