Monthly Archives: November 2008

On Mixed Emotions and Anger as Unfulfilled Desire

On Mixed Emotions and Anger as Unfulfilled Desire

While listening to ‘The Wind’ by Cat Stevens and organizing the sewing room – which is a huge huge project – I was thinking about my life (as I tend to do every minute I find a distraction that doesn’t require socializing) and following down my internal checklist of ‘happiness with myself’ and making mental notes of how I could have better handled certain past situations that are probably of highly insignificant value to most others, but I try to get detailed in my behavior so as not to confuse others on my intentions, but uh…I can’t seem to manage this, I seem to be running a program in opposition to what I really feel. This ‘program’ of reactions really only happens when a select few emotions are in the dominate forefront of my life. For example, since I’ve been home I have this cloud of anger hovering over me. Sure at times I feel happy or excited or content or any other emotion that isn’t compatible with anger, but that unfulfilled desire, that hole of not getting or being able to grasp what I had set my heart on, bubbles up from time to time and causes me to do all sorts of strange behaviors that are seemingly unconnected to anything in the present moment.

Someone once told me that it is ‘crazy’ to cry at things like an aluminum coke can flying onto the hood of my car on the freeway. After assessing that the damage was barely noticeable, I admit, the tears were perhaps unnecessary, but they were the bubbling up of my ‘fear’ of having to drive a shitty looking car around because, at the time, I, didn’t have enough money to fix it. Now I realize that, no, I’m not crazy, I’m just more emotional about things I care about and spend a lot of effort taking care of. There is nothing wrong with that, I just need to save the tears for more empathetic company, which I was really good at, but I just thought, in this instance, I was safe to display my real emotions. Or perhaps I just wanted to feel safe and more connected by doing so, so I gave it a try.

Now the real issue is, what is wrong with driving a shitty looking car around? That type of thinking escaped me in the moment; my arrogance perhaps needed a bit of a tune down.

So, to sum it up: emotions like fear, anger, happiness, etc. sometimes hold a dominate grasp on different chunks of time in life, get out of control because they are stronger for the time, bubble out, and leave me trying to explain how I have been misunderstood. After-the-fact explaining gets difficult because there tends to be many, many things going on in the mind in split seconds that really have no words, at least not until years later.

Recalling a time I did something to get noticed

Recalling a time I did something to get noticed

To be honest, I don’t think whiskey and I ever really got along as well as I tend claim despite the many moments when I felt a rush of excitement at the Jameson bottle cap click-clicking open or the crackle-crackle of the ice cubes in a glass warming up to their new roommate. The look on a strange, new face as I perform the classic sip-and-swish with a feminine smile of harsh satisfaction combined with a fleeting eye-to-eye flash, is, definitely, reason enough to enjoy the old man’s medicine.

All was grand until whiskey and I had a major falling out. You see it has this way of making me believe that what I am feeling deep down inside is, more or less, rational and that the company I am with will totally understand and agree that there is a problem and they will help me resolve misunderstandings with it. On top of that, it makes me believe that expressing what I am feeling in the most abrupt and, at times, explosive manner is the best idea ever. “After all,” whiskey tells me, “your true friend (a) will understand what actions have lead you to feel this way, (b) knows that feelings aren’t facts, and (c) realizes that at this moment in time, there is no way to sugar coat the fact that it hurts you to have to hear about ‘her’ all-the-time.” Being starved of proper outlets of natural emotion, especially frustration, in my normal awareness, whiskey provided me with an outlet which, I found, works well to weed out those who think solely about themselves under the guise of thinking for themselves, at price, of course.

‘Supposing truth is a woman’ to ‘defects in the mind’

‘Supposing truth is a woman’ to ‘defects in the mind’

It all started in the begining of September while waiting – like a dog who isn’t allowed to eat off the dinning room table but is constantly in view of the forks of dripping steak going into the mouths of those who, for reasons unknown to the dog, enforce these rules to keep it under control – for a phone call that never came. Not that I really expected my pink nokia to purge out its ambient tone, but at the time I really had nothing else going on in my life since I had already made the best chicken soup of the century, perfected my spinach omlet recipe, taken a swim for 40 minutes, and meet up with one of my best mates for lunch.

This simple life wouldn’t be complete, I guess, without something outside of my grasp to wait for, so I gave into the wait. While doing some slow yoga stretched I picked up Adam’s copy of Nietzche’s
‘Beyond Good and Evil’
that I have been scanning through for years, off and on, in Adam’s bedroom while he and Allen engaged in conversation. I borrowed the book in promise to give it back before I left for Aussieland again, which was a bold face lie because I didn’t intend to give it back until I came home, but left the option of giving it back sooner open with my promise. The meaning of words is perhaps worth another note, so I won’t go into it here. Luckily Adam is cool with that aspect of me, or at least he should be by now and has no choice but to be.

I couldn’t begin at the beginning of the book because the first part references a whole bunch of philosopers that I have probably heard of but didn’t know anything about… so I skipped with my favorite topic of the ‘natural history of morals’ and other sections that I need to read again to fully grasp. So inorder to understand Nietzsche I realized that I had to read his predecessors and come back to Beyond Good and Evil.

My first stop was to Borders in Bondi Junction where I picked up
‘The Portable Nietzche’
which contains a number of books and exerpts in one low cost edition and is also translated by Kaufman. This book present the same problem as stated above so I began reading Dosteosky’s
‘Crime and Punishment’
because I already had grabbed that book 6 months previously from the book swap shelf in the Morgan Stanley office, and no I didn’t put a book on the shelf in its place because based on the rest of fluff on the shelf I didn’t think anyone but the person who dropped off the C & P would be interested in anything I’ve got. I had decided to go traveling 3/4 of the way through C & P and so I got another volume containing multiple works by Mr. D called
‘Great Short works of Dostoevsky’
to bring with me, which I have yet to read because once I got to Mullimbimby in Byron Shire I fell in love with
‘The Consolations of Philosophy’
by Alain De Botton. This was exactly what I was looking for. It is probably the most fulfilling book I have read so far and it covers five different philosophers, offering me a platform by which to jump to the lilypad I wanted to land on. From there I Downloaded
‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’
by Goethe which I have read part of but am too cheap to print it from an internet cafe and even though the Emperor of France had read it several times over, no one seems to have heard of it today in the book stores.I picked up Schopenhauer’s
‘Essays & Aphorisms’
because I couldn’t find ‘The Will to Life.’ After sucking in knowledge and being inspired to work on my writing style (which is why you might have stopped reading by now, because I have chosen a subject that most find boring in exchange for practicing my style, which… needs a lot of work, I know, but this is for me not you, unless you actually want some good advice on what to read). I then bought another book by De Botton called
‘How Proust can change your life’
Which didn’t quite change my life and wasn’t as good as the philosophy book of his but got me hooked on Marcel Proust and his style, so I got a copy of
‘Days of Reading’
And then I went back to Beyond Good and Evil last night…. low and behold… I have more shopping to do.

Stability

Stability

I have diagnosed a very simple reason for a very big cause of misery in life, which my be obvious to others, but since I tend to be completely oblivous to myself, I have just figured out my issue.

It isn’t that I expect the world to be stable and reliable, it is just that I was so accustomed to it being so. In my, more or less, predictable upbringing there really weren’t any sudden tragedies. Nope, not too many in comparison to those of the people I have met and those I enjoy having as friends. By the time some tragic situations hit me I was pretty much old enough to not be so affected by the ‘mystery’ of trauma and drama that affect children in a much different way than more adult-like persons such as I found myself at the time. The elderly, as well as those who were once our puppies, pass on, friends and lovers pop in and out of my bubble of existence (some in more dramatic ways than others), parents get ill and recover, etc. Other items of my life that would be labeled as unstable (many of which seem minor or rediculous to outsiders) have always been unstable and thus I find stability in those particular unstable cases, well, they are actually more stable, or at least reasonably so, in comparison to my life as it has been in Sydney and those times closely before.

My ‘baseline,’ that fortune has drawn for me, of what is stable and what is not, is the cause of some misery mentioned above. I have wasted countless hours recently lost with the most perplexed, twisted eyed look on my face over why my life doesn’t work out so smoothly as suggested by people, plans, travel itineraries, etc. Still I’m a bit wide eyed at where the epicenter of these mental and emotional earthquakes is seemingly located. Had I realized this sooner I could have been well past the point of needing to type this out and probably getting myself involved in something else that I wil probably only fully understand after the fact. At least if that were the case I’d be one step ahead of now, sooner, making my present more productive and even possibly more fun.

But moving forward, I’m suggesting that if I continue to rely on my external reality, like I was accustomed to for 24 years, I will become increasingly more unstable. I feel as though I’ve let too much of my emotions to be triggered and validated by the outside world, and it seems to be a rather big mistake that I increasingly keep making.

Realizing this, I’m not sure what to do. ‘ Trial and error’ still seems the way to effectively accept and reject the external pieces in life, but the ‘error’ part has to be the most disheartening aspect that I really don’t want to face anymore, or, at least, I need a break from. How many errors are the limit before I should throw my hands up and say ‘I’m done!’? How much instability and broken suggestions is cause for rejection? And what do I do when I have accepted something that fortune & fate is pulling away from me? I just think it is sad to find something so special and matching of my inner world and not be able to take it along with me in my travels.

Hopefuly more to come on patients, tolerance, and indecisiveness

Wandering Around Aimlessly

Wandering Around Aimlessly

Day time in Sydney can be so boring without a job since everyone is working! So I’ve found/remembered/thought of some ideas to pass the time:

Eat lychee Hi-Chew

Make up stories about people who are passing by

Find people who look like people I know

Follow blue-eyed guys with sexy walks around Darling Harbour and imagine what it would be like to take them home with me

Rent a car and cruise, though I forgot to get a map so I’m so far limited to roads I already know

Call all my friends even though I have called them 10 times already and they haven’t answered, luckily a few have stalked me before so for us stalking is a sign of love and appreciation… as for everyone else, whoopps….

Chuckle to myself at some of the 80s clothing that people wear around this town

Try not to laugh out loud while walking down the street alone

Lay out on the beach…

Imagine how my life would be different if some events had or had not happened

Sort though my day dreams

Read philosophy books and get wowed by these many interesting ways of looking at the same thing

Scheme about my future and try to figure out how to get some key ‘wants’ into it…. then get frustrated because much of it is out of my control, or if it is in my control, I seem to have messed it up by just being myself… then relax because it is better to be myself and perhaps I didn’t mess anything up. Then remind myself that what will happen, will happen, hopefully my way!

Try to live in the present after the long debacle above.

Okay I’m gonna go cruising again. Bye bye!

Persistence

Persistence

All my notes are overwhelming me… and possibly you if you care to read all my fluff… but since I’m working on my writing skills I figure I may as well put this one up. What I am trying to say may be somewhat fuzzy, hopefully not too cheesy, but nonetheless I’m practicing writing out my theoretical ideas in hopes that one day they will all come together and form something clear.

On persistence
It is more beneficial to go for what you want or dream of not only for the sake of getting it, but for clearing the way for new desires to fill its place and build upon the last. I could spend ten years wanting one thing, but if I simply persist in getting it this year, I’ve cleared the way for, well, at least nine more ‘wants’ to be fulfilled. I say, don’t waste time dreaming for what you want, be persistent. Get it, every time, so that you are finally free to go one more step beyond it.

Ways to pass time at home…..

Ways to pass time at home…..

I’ve created a list of things that i can do at home to help spare me the frustration of not being in more exciting locations. (By more exciting locations I mean some place new, where people speak different languages and have adventurous stories to tell. I in no way intend this to mean that home sucks because it doesn’t, so please just question me next time you’re pissed off that I didn’t meet your expectations and I can explain that you have simply misunderstood me without a whole lot of wasted anger)

Further for the record, these are hobby ideas for heaven sakes, hobbies meaning things I will do in my spare time while in the company of my family, friends, hopefully a boyfriend one day, etc. This does contain some jokes, so please feel free to laugh…

So here are my ideas, some of them are far fetched but who knows, anything is possible for everyone.

Take classes like:
Fashion Design
Mechandising
Photography
Drawing
Writing

Work for the bathing suit company again if I have spare time when I’m working for Mr. Jim-is-genius

Learn to drive a stick shift while off roading

Redesign the sewing room so that it actually fits all the fabric and machines in it

Teach English so I can brush up on my Spanish in preparation for a South American adventure

Get a puppy so Lula can help me train it (I wonder if mom and dad will be so happy to have me home after babysitting my puppy all day while i work… Mu ha ha ha ha ha)

Join the scuba dive club and dive the Galapagos Island with them

Go sailing and flying with George (most definitely a must)

Find a job in Europe

Maybe a job in New York, but honestly if I’m gonna be that far away I may as well be in Europe.

Plan a trip to Thailand

Hmmm anyone else have any ideas?

Caught in Limbo

Caught in Limbo

I got out of bed this morning at 11:30 after being woken up to numerous announcements over the hostel loud speaker telling people to check out and get out….luckily I checked in for 2 nights so I don’t have to move if i don’t want to.

I like to lay in bed in the morning and just think… think think think… perhaps I think too much. No I read too much. I was wondering this morning how many of my ideas are actually my own… this thought, btw, isn’t my own, I got it from one of Schopenhauer’s essays, but that’s why I read because it make me think of things that I would normally never have thought of myself. Still, how much of what i do is actually me? Sure I filter though and pick out pieces of what I encounter that I can relate to, but why those things? and why those people? I swear this social networking that everyone claims is so good really just creates more problems and distractions from what people really want to do with their time.

I do have one thought (at least) that I feel is pretty much my own creation: All this single life stuff that I have felt so excited to experience and create will mostly be useless for the rest of my life… or at least I intend it to be useless. I’m just to lazy to spend so much time filtering though guys… I never had to do this before and I am so so so glad that I was spared for 7 years from this ridiculous dating scene that so many people I meet claim to love.

I was done typing but I’ve been away from the computer for so long that I just want to type more things for the Aspects of Me:

I love green food,
I’m not always in the mood to socialize, so i pretend to be asleep, read a book, pretend not to notice people, or simply hide in order to stay in my current bubble.
I love to ride my own momentum
I often soak up people’s mannerism or personality traits, so my personality is partly composed for the people who have made a big impression on me, I don’t always like this habit of mine because it can be too obvious that I’m reacting like someone else.
Many of my goals were actually someone else’s and I’ve accomplished them to simply do it before the originator had the chance… or to simply be more like the person who came up with the idea.
If I really like a song I will listen to it for a week or two straight… or in the case of Bjork… two years straight.
I need that spark with a guy
My body tells me what foods it wants more of…

Out of time…

Flash Packing, Faith, and Compromise

Flash Packing, Faith, and Compromise

Next time I travel I want to do it in style. Granted I have learned much about myself but honestly I need another vacation from my vacation from my vacation, which points to home. I really love that home is going to be a vacation for a while and it will be nice to snuggle into my bed where only I exist and all of this will be a dream.

I have so many thoughts to pour out but they always seem to hide when it is time for me to get them out.

Faith and compromise have been the major themes to this adventure of mine. Actually it hasn’t been a proper adventure. The east coast of Australia is extremely overrated. Perhaps I think this because I’m not an 18 years old and I’m not even a backpacker at all. Sure all my stuff is carried from one place to the next in my backpack, but backpacking, truly, is far more hardcore than this. I’ve just been budget traveling… and I’m sick of it. I would have rather done it “flash packer” style with a rented car or camper van and definitely some nice hotels instead of hostels.

Back to faith and compromise:
It is nice to come across people who have restored my faith in, well, people. I have realized that I have become an extremely stubborn person. When I first got to Sydney I felt kind of strange with the thought that I can do whatever I want whenever I want to, but almost a year and a half later that behavior has become natural to me to the point that I really have no idea how to compromise. My first thought at any compromise is “I don’t have to compromise, because well not to many others I know do.” Honestly… I’m just speaking about men here. All my girls are as good as gold. But boys… my gosh… being an adult isn’t about just being proud that you’re doing what you want and proving to me with your actions that you aren’t going to give in to me. There are guys who actually try and try again… maybe because they know what they want and are so sound in themselves that the first ‘no’ or apprehension from me doesn’t shake their path to the goal. Or they actually want to hang out with me…. hhmmm I guess there are people who wouldn’t want to hang out with me… but I really would rather not think about that. This concept is new to me because I have no way of getting to my goals with guys, all my efforts seem to fail or provide little feedback so I abandon the mission.

This is just the first piece of ‘the idiots guide to me’ that I think I’ll post up here… because my verbal communication skills really don’t relay enough information about me. I can only tell when asked and if no one is asking and just assumes, they really won’t know me.

It is defiantly true that I will say ‘no’ to you at first, I just will if your idea is far off from the plan I have in my mind. That plan BTW isn’t concrete and I’m relearning that other people’s plans could produce highly desirable circumstances. I am just stubborn and need facts and perhaps a debate; I like debating, especially with a smile 🙂

All this goes out the window with disposable relationships though… they can’t last without huge compromises offering hopes on a word that may have no history of reliability and probably a lot of time in between… sigh…

I’m just bored with myself.