Monthly Archives: January 2010

Coping Skills

Coping Skills

There are just inevitable situations in life that are so sudden and/or traumatic that recovery indeed takes a long time…. and actually you’re never the same person as you once were. This not only happens because you enjoy the new found “you” who has emerged out of your psyche to keep the body living, but also because pieces of you are in fact dead. Once over the mourning period, you get a new rigor and enthusiastically fill into your new shoes. Despite nature’s euphoria melting over your head, things still happen that can be stressful. Luckily the new you is well equipped to shrug off many incidents as normal errors in the process of discovery, but there are some situations that are not granted this stress-exempt status.

As with the rest of life, you find yourself simply reacting to these stress-situations as you would any other situation without realizing how much negativity you are actually piling on your shoulders. The effect of your push to maintain this new, more positive outlook is that perhaps too many negatives are overlooked and continuously overlooked and continuously overlooked, and habitually overlooked……

Then at some point your love affair with your new self fades and you’re back in the swing of real life. Looking back you can think of millions of happy thoughts to make you laugh out loud on elevators or completely space out in meetings…. but also there are those horribly unhappy thoughts that make me cringe with humiliation and dread.

My post traumatic life is filled with situations that haunt me, not because these situations were of any significance…. but because I have lost my ability to handle intense situations involving human interaction. I see people as way too complex for me because I can never know for sure what they really mean or what they are really thinking. My openness has caused me to get myself into situations that ended up being way more than I was told I was getting myself into. They are not all negative, which is worse because I can’t handle the fact that I can never get that love back.

Lying

Lying

I think everyone needs to come to terms with the fact that lying is a rather useful tool that humans quite naturally use to assist themselves in navigating their social existence. Anyone who does not lie because they “believe” it is wrong, obviously has not thought about all aspects of lying and what it entails.

First of all, making lying WRONG, really does not discourage it at all because the rebelliousness in us causes us to lie just because we are told not to… and then go brag to our friends about how we pulled one over on so and so.

Also, categorizing a person who does not lie as some sort of saint in no way indicates that person is better than anyone else, they just follow rules which society has indicated should be followed.

What really needs to be considered are the reasons people have for choosing to lie or not. Understanding these personal boundaries about people will help you understand when a person is actually trustworthy.

Here is why I choose not to lie:
-It is easier to remember the truth
-I do not want to deal with the repercussions of getting caught in a lie
-It is often illegal and thus could cost me and people I associate with a lot more than if I just told the truth
-I know I can’t keep lies straight, I’ve tried, the more time that goes by the more I forget what I made up…. but i do remember what actually did happen.
-I hate having to go out of my way to clean up unnecessary social messes

Here is why I choose to lie:
-The truth is none of your business
-I am required to keep something a secret, including that the secret exists…. so if you ask about it, I lie so you are not let on that I know that there is a secret.
-It is funny to find out actually how gullible people can be
-I know you are a gossip and that you will tell people what I say, so I tell you what I want everyone else to know…. he he he, plus I think it is funny that you so eagerly propagate lies….. oh oh oh and it is funny to tell the person you gossiped to the truth when they ask me about it.
-Duh, I am hiding something
-I do not want to deal with someone getting their feelings hurt about a situation that really has nothing to do with their everyday life.

So basing your assessment of a person on whether or not they believe lying is wrong or right really tells you nothing about the person. If my reasons for lying scare you, then we are not compatible, I am fine with that. Though, I have a feeling that I am definitely not the only one with a list this long of reasons why I lie…. I’m just one of the rare ones to honestly give myself away….

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

Breaks from past times (school, work, social network, etc.) have an odd way of letting me finally come to terms with many facts that were swirling around in my brain for a long time. I could hypothesize about the timing of these ideas coming together in my mind with a typical “Why now? why not then?” hands in the air type of thing but Timing will have to be saved for another Note.

What gets me is how reality sets in once I look back on situations that I am no longer facing everyday or often. I see how the regurgitation and reprocessing of thoughts definitely causes me to trim the edges of my emotion spectrum, meaning, (in the extreme) if hate and love are at two ends of one spectrum, in time I both hate and love less due to a lack of renewal of once obtained stimulus in the present. With everything relying solely on my past interpretations of thoughts, (which, I am only bringing into the present out of my own need and necessity to reorganize them) the intensity of life in those past situations has no additional fuel from which to burn and thus the fire dwindles. I understand this in myself, I understand my own rates of emotional expansion and contraction because my mind is most certainly at their mercy.

What I don’t understand is other people’s understanding of what has been going on.

The problem with people is that they live on in our psyche and an image of them haunts our natural contemplation over life. Good or Bad, thinking about a person and continuing to react to that person when they are not around is quite creepy to me- now that I think more about it. Because I don’t know who I am to some people, I have no idea where they formed this method of reacting to me but sometimes I wonder if they are reacting to who I am or an image of me that they created in their heads while channel surfing. It is strange that we are all adults but many people cannot responsibly behave and communicate to each other what problems are. Most basic relationship problems are only bad if you make them bad.

I can only hypothesize that this happens because people are not taught to actually identify and solve problems. If one is unable to see how their own behavior contributes to a negative feeling and/or denies their responsibility in the matter then you have…. you have…. you have drama. Exactly the same shit you watch on TV only now, you can live the high life and experience that life for yourself because you are complacent enough to let your real life suffer for the sake of being able to tell your drama-addict friends, “Hey, that same stuff that happened on TV happened to me.”

So not only do people thrive off not solving problems to create more drama, to make it worse, people do no know that they do no know how to solve problems. They don’t see their behavior as a problem because part of drama formation is to be totally confident in one’s own rationale and finally let the person know in an intense arena with an audience as opposed to a more personal atmosphere…essentially they think that the way they saw a similar problem handled on TV is how they should handle this problem in their real lives. Not only do people let others continue to do annoying things…they invite them to do it and keep tabs…. I understand evidence needs to be gathered, of course, but within a justifiable time frame.

Once the tab is big enough, they see it as a time to throw down the gauntlet…. This isn’t problem solving my friends, and it isn’t honest friendship either, this is a manipulative power maneuver. Once that gauntlet gets thrown over an accumulation of past situations specifically where it is way, way obvious that you invited or pushed for a certain reaction out of me……then all I can say is that I’m not going to play this game anymore.

On Internal Dialogue

On Internal Dialogue

I spent all day working on my tile project in my dad’s bathroom. It looks great! I am so please with how well the flaws I found while working on it are disguised or barely noticeable. Now I am at a loss for what to do with myself. I might try reading again… something short though. I think my recent issue with reading is that I get tired of reading through so much stuff just to get to one small interesting bit of information (Can you relate right now? :). I need a way to pass time joyfully.

I was listening to my internal dialogue while I was putting in some tile and I realized that I’m not as nice to myself as I think I should be. I’ve always been pushy with myself to get stuff done like studying or whatever else I need to do to accomplish something I set out to accomplish, which is healthy in itself, but my method of ridiculing myself in the process needs to be changed to a positive-reinforcement method. I learned from my mom that if there is something about myself that I do not like or just aren’t happy with, then change it. So I found ways to change habits over time, one of those is bitching at myself. While doing a project, my old habits resonate in my mind. A very simple example is that it crossed my mind that I may not vacuum up the excess mess I made before I finish up for the day. I used to never finish projects though I have managed to finish my projects now, clean up is something that I have always gotten lazy about. I don’t always think the benefit of having a clean space is necessary, though often when I have cleaned up I find small problems that could have created a bigger problem if I had left it for later. Regardless it seems ridiculous for such an issue to be a problem to me.

The big issue is not my laziness, it is really that I can manage that aspect of myself in a healthier way. All I have to do to avoid mistakes from starring me in the face in the future…is to fix the problem in the present, which can be done through more self assuring methods. Now that leads me into mistakes, or at least those things I perceive to be mistakes because I am sure there are more but I don’t mind those mistakes because they were either minimal or inconsequential.

So in changing my habits, I bitch at myself to avoid mistakes. This coping mechanism has in the past worked (looking back: for a long time), but I can tell that it is causing me more distress than it is worth because I have suddenly been made aware of it. A key aspect of it is that once I make myself feel like shit, no one else can really tell me otherwise unless I am certain that their standards are higher or at least on par with my own. I respond well to criticism since it is an obvious tool to get myself to change my mind or actions so I don’t really resent internal criticism, I just deal with it because I believe I need it (keyword: believe). Seeing as I constantly criticize myself, it is no wonder that I can often be overly sensitive and not be able to handle even the slightest notion of external criticism. With all this effort I put into myself, external criticism pisses me off unless I can see how it is constructively legitimate, which it often is not, or at least, not worth telling me about.

Anyways, it is going to take a few tries but I need to be nicer to myself and I think everyone else will benefit.

The Abuse of Power

The Abuse of Power

I’ve been noticing the influence of power in life, more importantly the abuse of power. The easiest example is always my boss, who can give me unwarranted shit since she is in the position to do so. Power abusers don’t realize that it is actually more difficult for others to judge if the criticism is an authentic critique of a specific situation or if someone is using the situation to show their power. Because most situations fall on a foggy line between the two, the recipient of the abuse- once aware of what is actually going on- cannot tell what the real problem is. So a cycle starts where the abusee ends up doing all these things at the request of the abuser, but never does it right because the abuser forgets (or even worse changes their mind without disclosure) what they instructed the abusee to do. The abusee can never explain the correct side of the story because abusers see their own power as a right to construct reality- as they see fit- for those which they have power over.

Sadly, it can take a long time to see comedy in all the ways which I have been tossed around at somelse’s whim. I’ve learned that once I laugh over a situation, I am more able to rationally deal it with and therefore end up relaxing because I start to express less defensive emotions in future encounters. From there I can see how the content is not worth reacting to because each situation is just a drug people can chose to feed off to get their power abusing fix. At the point it is just a game where I am a player capable of choosing not to play.