Often when I come across someone who holds a place in my mind, a whole wealth of memories flood into my mind screen. They just keep flashing and reminding me of all the different attitudes towards the person I have taken. I imagine the same thing about me is going off in their head. Suddenly I find that the conversation has overtones of previously unspoken attitudes. “Does he really realize that I didn’t like him?” I ask myself because all of a sudden the topics of choice all have a common theme. We are all of a sudden talking about people we’ve come across lately that we didn’t like. “Odd how the conversation went in this direction,” I continue thinking to myself, feeling a little exposed. It continues to the point where we discover how we actually have the same reasoning and methodology for not liking general people. I find it strange talking to people I don’t like about people I don’t like. It is kind of a mind trip, but the situation goes on and now we have actually found something in common. The confusion sets in because now, I have something in common with a person I don’t like… does that mean that I kinda do like his personality after all? I don’t know, but I’m definitely intrigued.
Every once in a while I run across a guy who thinks that just because I make some sort of witty comment back at him that I am flirting, or that I am playing some sort of word/communication this-means-I-like-you game. Without knowing my personality, they must assume that I reserve this behavior to someone I am interested in. In this situation (lately it happen to be sailing class where I was stuck on the boat with this guy for 6 hours three Saturdays in a row) no matter what I did I couldn’t escape the guy. If I commented back, he would make it into a bigger scene for the rest of the classmates to witness and if I remained silent I still heard my name being annoyingly tossed around. Even after I declined his drink offer, nothing changed. I can only attribute this behavior towards me to my singleness, because he wasn’t harassing the married girl on the boat. But maybe if her husband wasn’t there he’d’ve harassed her as well.
I watched a documentary about dreams recently and it got me thinking that perhaps my brain has a love affair with dreaming. I’m often not fully paying attention when I’m awake because my thoughts gravitate to more interesting scenarios which may or may not be actually happening… in other words often my dream world is far more interesting to me than real life. This accounts for much of my behavior like my so called “spaciness” and wanting to be alone so often (I can follow my own train of thought without having to explain it to anyone as well as not have to follow their social rules in the process).
So that is a practical explanation for why I continue to be lost in a daze much of the day. But I am thinking that from a more physical assumption, perhaps I am not fully awake. Like, I am thinking that if our brains have certain genetically programed patterns of sleep that cause dreaming (this specific documentary said that REM sleep is for practicing and preparing for future situations based on data it processed during non-REM sleep) then if I am not fully waking up then my daydreams are running in similar patterns to night dreams. Then anxiety about a made up situation that isn’t a real life danger, would be the day time equivalent of a nightmare.
From this prospective, I can see why people have a difficult time being in a good mood when they worry about stuff that actually will never happen to them. If you can’t always wake yourself up from a nightmare because you think it is really happening, how are you going to wake yourself up from fear…especially when you are convinced that you’ve got to prepare yourself to face this fear?
I think it will help to remind yourself that in your waking life you’ve not always as awake as you think you are.
There comes a point in already damaged relationships where I realize that I am not equipped to deal with a person’s entire view of life and how they react to it. I realize that I have been treading water for a very, very long time because I had nothing better to do and the phone happened to ring.
My breaking point happened in less than one sentence. In those few words I found my out. I found the one thing that pushed beyond the limits and is in fact unforgivable. Not because I am stubborn, but because it showed me the hidden side, the frustrated side, the side that was unwilling to take my side.
Why? I can only guess. My guess is that someone just thinks it is okay to say such a thing to me because they learned to treat people that way at one point in time. And that is preciously what I am not equipped to deal with.
I have never had anyone say such a thing to me before because the people who care about me do not say such things. I see a bigger picture that actually has nothing to do with me personally. I just happened to provide an outlet for this type of dramatic behavior to play upon and of all the possible reactions that could have been played out, that was the one which was thrown my way. And I am relieved because I know I am no longer going to put up with it, I am finally done.
I often confuse myself when I think too much about my opinions of the outside world. As a habit I filter things through my own point of view; I am empathetic. I see great value in this over-thought of what I perceive because of the oddly creative stuff that I find spewing out of my own head. The subtle connections (either real or imagined) provide me a great amount of entertainment in my solitary world as well as make me more self reliant emotionally. So you can say that this is a root factor in my enjoyment of being socially withdrawn. As a habit I see what is on my mind in the world and in what people say. For a while this was rather difficult to shut off, but now that I understand it and am better able to control it to the point that I can use it to my advantage in running “what-if analysis” before making a decision.
I cannot honestly say that I am always aware that I am not objectively interpreting a situation and wouldn’t be made aware until discrepancies start to formulate, only then would I go back and adjust my interpretation. I am not disturbed by this because I am not the only one who misinterprets situations based upon fears or opinions of people involved. The difficultly is proving to people that their interpretation is incorrect and that the meaning was misconstrued due to personal bias. At this point projection bias is then coupled with belief.
Belief can a dangerous thing if one is not willing to introspect objectively or one has no reason to take that extra introspective leap. Additionally, intuition steps in to oppose belief. Running two opposing programs, one in your mind and one fueled by outside parties usually brings action to a halt. Frozen by excessive thought about an over stimulating situation, I can only act as I would have acted if this event had not occurred. Pretty much play it cool until I figure out what the hell to do. So ly in your actions, go through the motions and pretend that all is as it was, pull it off and not even your best of friends will notice that you are facing an internal dilemma of rather large proportions.
Once an action has been made, it is rather difficult to convince people of what was going through your mind this entire time because people don’t realize that one can hide such a problem because they believe that someone wouldn’t hide such a thing. They believe in relying on everyone else to help you through dilemmas and that it is in fact everyone’s business. As if showing weakness is the only way to gain support and get people to connect with you.
All I can do is hope that I have gotten it right, and hope that my hope doesn’t just prolong the torment.
There was a time when my lapses in judgment caused me no great harm or worry so I didn’t attribute the cause of my action to lapses in judgment, things just happened as they happened. I usually enjoyed the outcomes of my judgment lapses with the attitude of “I cannot believe that just happened…wow!” Now I feel as though I have too much to lose by acting too strongly on impulse. The funny thing is that I’ve got less to lose than I did before, yet I feel as if it is more. This could be the result of my world being much more narrower now than it has been in the past, so greater weight is given to fewer aspects of life. Do I have a greater sense of responsibility?…. well, no not really, it is just that my choices tend to be only mine to make.
My worry about my judgment calls is causing me to narrow my world to extremely safe bets… if even you can call them bets. I recently realized that bad judgment calls come out of no where; going into them they appear to be perfectly reasonable things to do. Only when something bad happens is the judgment call considered bad. That is the trick, I don’t know how the situation is going to turn out, I can only base my projections on what I have experienced in the past, if I make a projection at all. So for the sake of accomplishing my goals I realize that I need to restrict myself from situations where I have experienced a negative effect of a judgment call. To clarify, I am speaking of extreme situations here from my more wild side. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to continue having heaps of fun, but I am just drawing a temporary line to keep myself on the right track.
Sailing is just so cool.
I want to write but have nothing specific to write about. So I’m going to just ramble. I’ve been thinking about the lifestyle choices of some people and I do not understand their reasoning behind the big picture of what they are doing in life. Do they see a big picture? Some people do not care about the big picture. Other people seem to see opportunities as a waste of time or effort. I like to do cool things, so I tend to figure out what needs to be done to get where I want to go and start heading in that direction. I get really frustrated when other people do not care to do what it takes to get where they claim to want to go. They find so many excuses, excuses that often are valid in the short term, but amazingly deceptive in the long term. For example, people just freakin’ love to eat, eat, and eat some more. So people find all sorts of colorful ways to justify why they need to eat so much. Exercising seems to be the most popular excuse I have heard. “I exercise so I must eat so much.” no no no…you just love your food enough to harm yourself. People want to think they can exercise off all that food they are eating without having to adjust their lifestyle. Just find another hobby, like restructuring your habits. Imagine the person you want to be and just be that person, it takes practice, lot of practice, but I enjoy practicing so maybe you should learn how to enjoy practicing too. I get so tired of everything revolving around food as some sort of magical experience, when in reality people have some sort of fear of starvation and they just don’t realize that it isn’t a steady food supply that they are afraid of not having access to. I’m not so afraid of starvation as I am of poisoning (believe it or not). I don’t like people coming into my world and messing it up. Any new addition to life must make it better or easier or more delightful; I must be better off in some regard than I was before I accepted a new addition otherwise the silence grows. This isn’t to say that I don’t see the value in things growing over time, quite the opposite because I do enjoy the fruits of my labor, even if the undertaking of that labor did make life more miserable in the short run. Down times in life are just as inevitable as up times and I definitely will push through tough times as best I can, but I have to see what my effort is going toward. Choosing rebellions wisely is something not very many people are good at. Usually people just need to express some sort of power and the actual topic they choose to rebel against is the easiest to conquer and rationalize for them. They pick a sure bet that will get people’s attention. Unfortunately other people actually believe them. Being gullible is definitely a good reason to stay indoors… It is amazing once you realize who actually does not think for themselves. They think, and think a lot, but seem to always be seriously contemplating advice from horrible sources. It is sad when you come across someone like this because there is nothing you can do, they don’t dream to live it out one day, they just dream to make today easier to get through.
Confiding in people often only has short term benefits. Essentially what you are doing is willingly giving the receptor of your personal information power over you because of your compulsion to speak out the energy on your mind. In the short term you feel better, hopefully accepted and more clear headed to further sort out your dilemmas. But what does the person you passed along your personal information do with it once your conversation is over? They often confide in someone else because the energy you passed along is too great to keep in (that’s the reason you spoke it out loud to a listening body in the first place). So now this person knows something about you, which you will probably forget about because what they don’t realize is that they heard of the issue at just one moment in the chain of processing data and that that specific moment may not really be of much significance once the overall scheme of things has been played out. Sadly they are left feeling empowered over outdated information.
Sadly, they will remind you of your outdated information. The speaking of emotional gibberish is just that gibberish. A fact that a listener should always take into account when attempting to grasp the macro-situation they have become involved in…. good listeners know this and realize that often people just need the physical breathing body in the room to receive sound waves that come out of their mouth to just feel better. Emphasize “feel better.”
But some listeners do not understand what a person is actually accomplishing by transferring information to them…. these listeners think that they must do something with the information, that they are now somehow involved in the direct line of events… when in reality they are simply perceived as an open ear. In essence, now that they are in “the know” it is now their business. Which is not the case…. they then become meddlers.
The difficulty with a meddler is that they think that meddling is a sign of friendship, like in order to be friends we have to know everything about the person and openly deal with all aspects of them….tiring as it may be, they need to meddle to maintain the appearance that they do have “friends” in order to feel something (confident, happy, cool….anything).
What meddlers don’t understand is that many people do not like their privately conveyed information used as a ball and chain.