I’ve been taking note of my favorite things and I’ve found that I have far more favorites than I imagined. The most obvious favorites, like specific food or clothing, have easily identifiable reasons for why they are a favorite. There are so many others that I found, which I didn’t realize fall into the favorite category but have now been placed there because of my more detailed observation. The most difficult to categorize are objects for which there are no substitutes because of who I received them from or how long I’ve had them. But the most favorite by far, I realize, are the things I do not let other people see or touch because I would be just that heart broken if they ruined or slandered it in some way.
I get nervous when people start heavily interrogating me about my point of view or what I want in life. Sure in an interview these are questions I can answer fairly solidly (or at least I think so because I’ve been hired), but just in everyday life from friends or coworkers I get really paranoid.
I begin to wonder “Why are they asking me this?” or “What difference does it make?” My difficulty with such questions is that people tend to use my answers to forecast some future event and they forget that life doesn’t pass exactly as planned and that perhaps events in the future may inhibit something I have planned from happening.
I think people get fixated on needing to know about the part of their future that revolves around me because of some difficulty in coping with how uncertain life can be. Anyway I am hesitant to even answer some questions. Especially questions about what I want in the future. How can you receive answers to that type of question seriously? Sure I may want “A” at the moment, but that is because I have no idea that “B” will happen and make me want “C” more than “A.”
Do you see that there is no good answer to questions about the future? Life works like this: You have elements in life such as skills, knowledge, connections, past times, assets, etc. At any given point in time you have a finite amount of life elements at your disposal, therefore you will make decisions based on the present elements as a way of heading toward desired elements. But those desired elements, which you hope to have in your future, do not exist in your life now, and may never exist exactly as you postulate because you are only creating an idea about future life-elements based on the present elements you have in life.
You don’t know what else you are going to encounter that may make you change your plans and neither do your friends. So in trying to answering people’s questions about the future, you leave out the unknown, because that is what people want to hear. “Based on what I know now….I will probably do…blah blah blah.” Nod and smile and change the subject….
Then as time passes, you just go with the flow and perfect the art of collecting elements that complement who you want to be.
the idea that quality is always better. It is often better, but that doesn’t mean that it fulfills a need better than a lower quality item. Like my car is an American car, which some people say aren’t as good of quality as others, yet… I love it more than I would the typical silver M3 that almost everyone in Irvine drives. Maybe something is better and gets the job done better, but if that were the case, you wouldn’t have to shove it down people’s throats, they’d already see it and agree.
What many people don’t see is that the argument of quality can be a way to put down other people’s point of view. Like some friends in the past, I don’t know why, but everything I loved, they starting disliking, whether it be a music artist, my car, a favorite vacation spot, yadda yadda yadda, this person would always revert to the quality argument by saying that Bjork isn’t that great, my car is made of too many plastic parts, spending family time at camping in the motorhome a few times a year isn’t as good as one expensive overseas trip per year…. so I was ridiculous for loving these items too much. In reality, they just weren’t comfortable with the idea that we like different things and instead of accepting that, they continued to express how difficult it is on them that I enjoy some particular things so much. After exhausting myself by standing up for my favorite things, I simply hid my favorite things from that person, and it is no wonder we are no longer friends.
So I’ve learned to be careful when someone puts down things I love because it really doesn’t always have to do with the quality at all…. it is simply a mechanism people use to not have to deal with part of you that they perceive as a threat in some way.
At some point in time you realize that the ideas and opinions you learned from other people are just other people’s ideas and opinions that you learned from them. You can essentially unlearn them and be no worse off than if you had continued to assume they are the best way of approaching certain aspects of life.
The unlearning process is kinda fun, well, it is once you get over the initial stage of realizing what an idiot you were to actually thinking some ridiculous ways of viewing the world were actually a good idea.
I think the best part of unlearning is confronting the reasons you had in the first place for learning something from specific people. Sometimes I was just forced to put up with a person’s opinions because I wanted to hang out with that person and thus, through repetition, learned to agree with their ideology. Or I just thought the person was so cool and interesting that I just naturally uploaded aspects of them. Regardless, once life alters course some of the information learned from past people isn’t applicable to life anymore, and that is the point where I see faults in preconceived notions. Finding fault in things is definitely a sign that I have grown out of old ideas, otherwise I wouldn’t be aware of how it doesn’t fit into my way of thinking.
It gets funny when I put two and two together and see the bigger picture of why other people formed some of their ideas back then. Often they were out of some sort of rebellion or addiction and the person just happened to be so adamant about their perceived rightness over the subject that there was no real need or reason to question them. The funniest one is the alcoholic explaining why being sober is so unappealing and why people who don’t drink much are boring. But now I just can’t help but laugh because I used to get so bored drinking and being stuck at someone’s house all night. No wonder I would fall asleep early at gatherings…. I was bored and trapped in my drunken state of mind without the ability to safely drive myself to a more exciting location. Then ‘d spend half the next day recovering from a hangover instead of actually getting out and doing something active. I didn’t seek out something better to do because I’d be going away from what my crowd was doing. Now I realize that there are way more productive ways to spend my time that make me feel like I am accomplishing something as opposed to doing what someone else wants to do because I feel like I need to spend time with this person to be their friend. I guess I learned to enjoy hobbies and have yet to find a reason to unlearn that.
Once in a while I find it difficult to explore new ideas because I am not always aware of exactly where I got the idea to explore something new in the first place. Somethings just jump out at me and say “Hey! I fit into your paradigm perfectly! Study me.” Others just manifest slowly to the point that I am not aware of how surrounded by their essence I actually am until I become aware of it enough to seek out additional details.
It is in that seeking that I find it difficult to continue at times. Because once something of interest is on my radar I see it so often and suddenly realize that the idea was in no way unique… it has been starring me in the face for quite sometime… i just for some reason had internalized it to the point of being able to recreate it, all without knowing what I had done until I have finished one piece and go in search of further inspiration, only to find perfect substitutes already in existence.
“if you talk too much you might say something that upsets someone, so it is best to keep talking to a minimum.”
Isn’t that the whole point. To see how well you can handle someone when they are under stress? To not want to upset someone is simply a cop-out, a brilliant dance around their emotions. “Look! Look how well I can fool some one! Look at how well I’ve got them figured out!” That’s not love, that’s simply knowing that you’ve got someone at your disposal who you can take advantage of, someone who you can control to fulfill the empty pieces of yourself which you are incompetent of completing with your own mental capacities.
Someone might say you are lazy, but no, you don’t deserve that stipulation, you aren’t worthy of being called LAZY. For lazy is a virtue due to it’s self perpetuating drive to preserve itself at the heavy cost of time and emotion. You, you are only worthy of being called pitiful. You waste your time seeking approval after underhanded deeds, after proving to have flirted with Satan, your self-created god still forgives you! She is not your god. She is your toy, a toy who at the same time does not want to admit that you are not her self-projected crush. So fine, you be stuck in your instability. You suffer the fate you’ve created for yourself by not just letting yourself be itself. Go ahead, seek approval, get it, and suffer knowing how weak you are to give in to such futile existence at such an old age. Know that no matter how far you go, your brain is still limited in it’s scope of what it can imagine. THAT, my friend, is the metaphor we all know of as HELL. I won’t be floating any further down the river styx on your behalf.