Monthly Archives: May 2010

In Love with the Idea of Someone

In Love with the Idea of Someone

I think my habit of falling in love with the idea of things isn’t helping. Well it does help because it allows me to construct an ideal picture to guide my path, but the planning and discovering of what elements would be perfect to put in my situation distracts me from other things. Gosh, I’m trying to say that I shouldn’t fall so in love with ideas, yet all my support to that statement points to “I love falling in love with ideas.” sigh… I just love it so I’m just going to keep doing it. There is no rational way of saying that I shouldn’t dream so much, because dreaming has in fact proven to be the catalyst of all my travels.

But it poses a problem when I am not sure whether I love someone, or just love the thought of them. It is a tricky way of thinking about people. Because whatever data I have gathered is filtered through my brain and my dreams are end products that I use to see if I’m on the right track. If too much negativity manifests in my mind at the thought of you, then I take that as a sign that this isn’t working. If I get a positive reading, then we’re good.

Data selection is key here because when I have a good reading and I’m really enjoying the thoughts someone provokes, I tend not to want to hear anything that will spoil my inner fun. So if I think I need to gather more fuel for my fire (i.e. information), I will still chose to find positive things to outweigh any negatives I happen to run across in the process.

Love is strange in that it has a built in component that makes me refuse to find reason not to love someone.

Anyways, I do not see that it is a bad thing if someone is in love with the idea of a person; however, if that is the only thing about them that makes you love them, then you’re not really in love with them at all. You’re in love with the parts of them you can create. So this Pygmalion effect essentially is misdiagnosed as love, probably because of the euphoria and sense of completeness that is only attainable in my mind…

Passion for Solitude

Passion for Solitude

I get discouraged by passions creeping up on me. For many of them, I just naturally orient myself in their direction only to discover later that I am fact passionate about something. It leaves me wishing I had realized my talent earlier so that I could have been even better at it by now.

Passion is definitely a love, a real love affair with part of the self.  It is in you and can only come out of you if you do what it takes to get it out.  There is something so special in being passionate about oneself. I’ve just been doing it, making sure that I am taken care of. “love, love, love, love, I love, love love Love.”

The difficulty is that I believe that I am so complete inside that I do not seek out what I may be missing in the outside world. I don’t even want to try sometimes because if something isn’t working for me I crave being by myself, where I know all my mental cookies are there to feed me.

This habit leaves me with a looming fear that I am missing something in exchange for the things I like doing so much. Since I don’t really like missing out on cool things, this fear speaks volumes. Maybe I just need to learn to enjoy missing cool things… by why would I? what would be the benefit? To avoid giving the fear so much power? I guess I would change this trait of mine once the fear got to be too overwhelming and made it impossible to find enjoyment in the situation. I hate how fear does that to me. Takes the fun out of so many enjoyable ideas.

Doubts

Doubts

Doubts.  I don’t know where they come from but I would love to be able to ignore them and continue on as if I didn’t have these lingering thoughts flashing through my mind at oh so specific times. The fact of the matter is that they are there and keep reoccurring.

So what am I going to do about it? I don’t really know. Doubt, to an extent, is inevitable because it serves to sober you from some sort of ecstasy by lifting you way up in the sky where you think can see clearly all the players in the game and pass judgment outside yourself. In this it is deceiving. Doubt is an emotion, so by using one emotion to view others, you’re essentially still acting emotionally. No one emotion has all the answers, yet in our craving of one, we must encounter the others. This check-and-balance system, which I am assuming I learned from somewhere, needs to be monitored even for the dry emotions because I need to figure out what blanks they are filling in.

Mindfully Making Mistakes

Mindfully Making Mistakes

Some “mistakes” are continuously and consciously made because people know that they can clean up the mess it makes later. It is a method to maintain control over the outcome of a situation. If others are given more responsibility over the situation, it is more difficult to come in later and set things to one’s own desired outcome. Since society revers mistakes as undesirable and avoidable events, purposely making mistakes can put one at an advantage because the outside world will perceive the action as a traditional “mistake” and thus enact behaviors associated with dealing with someone who made a “mistake.” When in reality, the mistake-maker really was just knowledge that people would react that way and use the situation to get what he wants without being called a jerk.

In the Middle

In the Middle

I don’t know what is so draining about being directly in the middle of something that makes it seem like there is more weight pushing down on me. I guess it is that I know more about what is ahead than I did when I was starting out. Also, I can see the end, so I’m aware of how much freedom I will have once I am finished. I just have to remember to remember that life won’t always be so uncertain, one day when all the variables settle in place, I’ll probably apply this same sense of emotion I have right now to the fact that outrageous possibilities are few.

Wanting More as Missing Something

Wanting More as Missing Something

The most lingering, absent objects in life seem to be those that I did not get enough of. For whatever reason I was inhibited from reaching some sort of full potential, which my imagination deemed possible, and I am left with an internal confliction which refuses to be laid to rest. At one end I am at the height of happiness with my previous experiences and seek to push them further (either in my mind or in real life). At the other end is the whole realization of why it is best that it hasn’t continued to manifest in this perpetual present time.

These two poles of the matter alternate, both with completely legitimate arguments on each side. When the happiness over the thought dominates, I am totally convinced by its outright charms… but slowly the happiness fades into more sobering thoughts….that only confuse the matter in my mind. The sobering thoughts seem so realistic and based on facts that, if true, tell me that my once perceived happiness over the matter is, well, not obtainable or not really possible. I tell myself that I must forget about it because too much is at risk of going wrong if I pursue what I have been missing. This logic, painstakingly, leads me to simply carry on with my current involvements of day-to-day living, with my hands in the air because I don’t know which side of myself is to be believed. Both ideas are extreme to the point where the only middle ground is to do nothing and wait and see what happens. If nothing happens I will be free of both sides…. if something does, I will have to fully face both of them…. I’m stuck in a binary box where the answer is either accept or reject and I have a binary opinion on both of those outcomes.

Words can mean so many things… even nothing. The driving force isn’t the words because they are only taken as harshly or lightly as the listener chooses to perceive them. The fact that they were perceived a certain way is what is most telling of intentions. If you want an answer you can find it whenever you like, but it can only be based upon what you already know bent to the limits of your imagination. The difficulty is gauging how far beyond normal the imagination has taken the story and what purpose does it serve to take a few random thoughts to mean such extreme possibilities?

I’m just disturbed by discomforting news and I didn’t want to believe it, because I was tired of being crushed.

On Losing Patience

On Losing Patience

Sometimes it is just one comment that swings the pendulum. Maybe the trait was always there, it just happened to be directed at you for once. Maybe it will only happen once in a while but because of the extremeness of the comment you can’t help but to wonder if perhaps it was just the beginning of flood gates opening. In that case, it is cautious to steer clear of the river valley.

But it draws a line there and puts up a score board. How many times is the line going to be crossed before I don’t want to deal with it anymore? I just have to wait and see. But this is the problem I’ve had in the past: I wait and see for too long, so long that I’m so exhausted that I just want to shut the door and brick over the entrance.

I just don’t think I have a right to tell people that I think they are full of shit. Yes maybe it is just a phase and they haven’t realized how life has affected their personality contra to mine; I’m tired of waiting out those storms too. I wouldn’t want someone coming into my world and telling me I’m going about things all wrong, because I know- just as much as other know about themselves- that things are just fine and functioning enjoyably. People in themselves know what parts of their life aren’t optimal, they don’t need to hear how much worse those things are making it on people around them because there is probably not much they can fully do about it right now.

I’ve just lost the coping skill that should enable me to think of social bullshit in a non-momentous way. Why am I even thinking of it at all? Why can’t I just let it pass and not feel like I need to prepare myself for it to happen again? Because it happens a lot and I can’t have a good time when I’m constantly having to watch my behavior or words to shelter myself from some sort of attack.