Some people are so absorbed in their culture that they have very rigid beliefs about the way society functions, or should function, that it is almost pointless to tell them any of your rather humorous fuax pas because, instead of laughing, they will start to pity you.
The moment you realize you are being pitied, is a moment of truth. The sun shines brighter, a breeze whirls around you, an intensely fresh scent intoxicates you, and it suddenly it hits you that you don’t actually give a damn. You find yourself yelling, “Finally!! I am free of this shit!” with you arms up to the sun in a victory V and your head tilted back. Your mind starts to reconnect the past in ways that make you realize why you’ve been feeling so disconnected with this person for so long but didn’t have words or reason to describe it.
Gingerly, you wait as time passes…”maybe it was just a fleeting moment and I will change my mind,” you think to yourself. But no, as time goes on, life gets better. There is no aching hole to fill, instead you actually enjoy using it for target practice and admire it like a trophy by hanging it on your wall…”See this here,” you imagine telling some future person, “this is all that’s left of that friendship, beat it to the ground didn’t we eh? nothing left to salvage [insert Santa Claus laugh here].” You realize that you didn’t actually need the person at all because you haven’t hardly even had an inkling of a reason to pretend like you are friends with them again. Now there is a whole open space, void of bitching and agreeing-just-to-avoid-negative-situations, that can be filled with new people and ideas and happy thoughts…..
When I partake in a guilty pleasure, for days afterward I am hyper vigilant that someone is going to call me out on it. Typically though, I am only called out on those pleasures for which I feel no guilt. So then, why am I expecting a negative reaction when I feel as though I have done something to feel guilty over? It must just be the effects of guilt, an emotion for which there seems to be no antidote for.
I often don’t realize that I feel guilty until I start to wonder why certain memories keep flashing into my mind. At that point I simply ask myself, “why are those few seconds of life so significant?” From there I shift through all past memories which I find are associated with this reoccurring thought and deduce a common theme. Guilt is tricky though because it is not an emotional which I like to admit I feel. By having a habit of avoiding it, I find that there are many other memories that have been left untagged by the guilt category, making the mess a rather large, draining chore.
But still with guilt, is isn’t like other emotions in that acknowledging it neither fully takes away its uncomfortable residue nor does it give me new habit to practice so as to make future situations less stressful. I’m am simply left feeling guilty and knowing it.
That makes me think that my propensity to feel guilty has less to do with the actual behaviors which excited the guilt in me and more to do with a need to feel far more guilty in life than is really necessary. Therefore the guilt in me is hungry for reasons to get its fair share of my waking life and thus attaches itself to situations simply because it has greater power than a more desirable emotion like joy. While this reasoning makes sense to me, it still doesn’t dissipate my discomfort. There must be something else going on in addition to the guilt…. perhaps it will surface in another note…
I understand. One thing I’ve noticed is that I can never form strong relationships with the people who I feel like I’d have a connection with, so I’m stuck hanging out with the more uninteresting people who are more accessible. I just think that I don’t naturally understand friendship. As kids we were forced to hang out with people and build bonds, but now as adults we can do our own thing and I find it difficult to merge my “own thing” with someone else’s “own thing”. Don’t get me wrong though, I am happier now that I do not have any close friends: life is drama-free, time passes smoothly, I’m focused on school, my career, and hobbies without anyone reminding me of my failures whenever I’m celebrating a success.
I never understood why people choose to tell me in person that I need to be more like someone else. If you prefer someone else, then go hang out with them, because if you think you’re more compatible with a different type of person, the feeling is most likely mutual. People come and go, and I’ve noticed that if I’m just open to new people I find a real gem of a person to hang out with every year or so. Sounds few and far between, I’ve learned to just keep my eyes open and enjoy the few enjoyables while their life is in sync with mine. In the mean time, I stay out of the personal lives of people I don’t feel a spark for while striving to be a good person.