Monthly Archives: November 2010

On Breaking Points and Living in the Future

On Breaking Points and Living in the Future

The difficulty with a breaking point is that you never know where it actually is.  You often avoid certain behaviors because you believe they would get you to that point, when in reality you have probably 1) been totally obviously as to why certain behaviors got you to a breaking point in the past and 2) exhibited behaviors hoping to get you to a breaking point and it turned out that the breaking point is actually no where in sight.

Sometimes all you know is that you are stuck dealing with 49 negatives so you can get 51 positives and even though the positives out weight the negatives, you are definitely not happy.  Problem is that the grass on the other side is not looking much greener because you have convinced yourself that the path you are on is the right path and that you are lucky to be on it so you better count your blessings.

In reality most paths are suiting, you just do not have any kind of emotional or social connection to other paths, so, you tend to think that they do not have value.  Plus you have spent a lot of energy making plans.

I think the most difficult part of sudden changes in life is coming to terms with the fact that all the hopes and dreams you had envisioned yourself to experience are no longer within your capacity to grasp with your new altered set of resources.  You must dream up a new horizon to look forward to.  People tend to shy away in horror at this idea when they are not actually facing the real, immediate task of doing so, why?  Possibly because they either 1) have had to do it before and realize what a daunting task it is or 2) they have had the luxury of never having to create a new future for themselves unexpectedly.

If all goes well, Walter Benjamin’s Destructive Character will come out of you on its own to force you to pick up the pieces and find a better, more productive way of spending your time.

On the Freedom from Friendship

On the Freedom from Friendship

Some people are so absorbed in their culture that they have very rigid beliefs about the way society functions, or should function, that it is almost pointless to tell them any of your rather humorous fuax pas because, instead of laughing, they will start to pity you.

The moment you realize you are being pitied, is a moment of truth.  The sun shines brighter, a breeze whirls around you, an intensely fresh scent intoxicates you, and it suddenly it hits you that you don’t actually give a damn.  You find yourself yelling, “Finally!! I am free of this shit!” with you arms up to the sun in a victory V and your head tilted back.  Your mind starts to reconnect the past in ways that make you realize why you’ve been feeling so disconnected with this person for so long but didn’t have words or reason to describe it.

Gingerly, you wait as time passes…”maybe it was just a fleeting moment and I will change my mind,” you think to yourself.  But no, as time goes on, life gets better.  There is no aching hole to fill, instead you actually enjoy using it for target practice and admire it like a trophy by hanging it on your wall…”See this here,” you imagine telling some future person, “this is all that’s left of that friendship, beat it to the ground didn’t we eh? nothing left to salvage [insert Santa Claus laugh here].” You realize that you didn’t actually need the person at all because you haven’t hardly even had an inkling of a reason to pretend like you are friends with them again.  Now there is a whole open space, void of bitching and agreeing-just-to-avoid-negative-situations, that can be filled with new people and ideas and happy thoughts…..

On Guilt

On Guilt

When I partake in a guilty pleasure, for days afterward I am hyper vigilant that someone is going to call me out on it.  Typically though, I am only called out on those pleasures for which I feel no guilt.  So then, why am I expecting a negative reaction when I feel as though I have done something to feel guilty over?  It must just be the effects of guilt, an emotion for which there seems to be no antidote for.

I often don’t realize that I feel guilty until I start to wonder why certain memories keep flashing into my mind.  At that point I simply ask myself, “why are those few seconds of life so significant?”  From there I shift through all past memories which I find are associated with this reoccurring thought and deduce a common theme.  Guilt is tricky though because it is not an emotional which I like to admit I feel.  By having a habit of avoiding it, I find that there are many other memories that have been left untagged by the guilt category, making the mess a rather large, draining chore.

But still with guilt, is isn’t like other emotions in that acknowledging it neither fully takes away its uncomfortable residue nor does it give me new habit to practice so as to make future situations less stressful.  I’m am simply left feeling guilty and knowing it.

That makes me think that my propensity to feel guilty has less to do with the actual behaviors which excited the guilt in me and more to do with a need to feel far more guilty in life than is really necessary.  Therefore the guilt in me is hungry for reasons to get its fair share of my waking life and thus attaches itself to situations simply because it has greater power than a more desirable emotion like joy.  While this reasoning makes sense to me, it still doesn’t dissipate my discomfort.  There must be something else going on in addition to the guilt…. perhaps it will surface in another note…

On the Psychological Mirror

On the Psychological Mirror

In trying to differentiate what makes someone attractive or not, I can only come up with one solid reason for why I would choose to spend more time with a person.  (by attractive I mean any type of attribute which naturally [meaning subconsciously] causes me to hangout with somebody [as a friend, acquaintance, boyfriend, etc.)  That one solid attribute is the fact that the image of myself which they project back to me is in line with my own esteem for myself.  Yes, having things in common is a magnet (at least until we exhaust that topic) but it won’t really form any real bond because there are lots of people with whom I share many hobbies so that doesn’t, in itself, make one person stand out.  It can be annoying actually, when people push and push the things we have in common down my throat, like, we may have the topic in common, but our style of talking about it clearly isn’t in common, but that’s another issue.

I think it is much more difficult to project a positive image of a person when there is too much emotion attached to them.  So over time, longer relationships tend to dull out from the accumulated moments of another person projecting back at you a negative view of yourself.  It is the learning exchange.  You’re happy when another person picks up on a fun social game that you play because, well, you like that game and you like that you have someone to play it with.  But once you see how they learned some of your negative habits, the fun is over.  Because you know what they are doing because you taught it to them.  They didn’t throw that psychological ball at you before because most likely they didn’t know it yet or they didn’t know it would work until something you did subconsciously clued them in.

At that point, you’re sitting there watching parts of yourself that you dislike being tossed right back at you with a devious smile and life for those moments doesn’t get any worse.  You sit there, letting your body entertain the bitter body across the table from you while your mind tries to figure out what went wrong.  The situation is so subtle that it isn’t worth being frank about it because it can easily be denied.  But you know for sure you pissed someone off somewhere along the way and this is how they step up to the plate about it.

This is why it is good to give people time.  You need to see if the positive image of yourself they usually reflect is still maintained when they are under stress because of you.

On Social Games

On Social Games

The most recent situation I’ve encountered is the “if you don’t agree with me, I’ll pick on you” game.  At certain pivotal points people when speaking need to be listened to AND agreed with.  If for some reason you don’t agree and you state your opinion, even in a passive “oh by the way” easy-going manner, you’ll see the split-second glare, probably followed by a few word stumbles while they take what you said into consideration and finish the conversation as if nothing really bothered them.  Then…wait for it….wait for it….wait for it…. once the topic changes suddenly the next most interesting topic is criticizing something personal about you.  This will definitely make me avoid someone for a while.

The next one is what I like to call the “set you up to put you down” game.  This one I walk into all the time.  It just works so well on me.  Pick a topic that you know we both disagree on, bring it up by inquiring about how I recently responded less emotionally supportive than you think I should have.  I will defend my reasoning on the matter to show that I meant no ill harm, “the situation has nothing to do with me so it is reasonable for me not to get involved”.  Then respond to me with something like, “well, I don’t think you’re always rational”.  And I didn’t think it was necessary to bring up the topic.

On Being Blunt

On Being Blunt

In answer to the question, “would you say being blunt is a bad thing?” I found the following amusing answers in a random internet forum:

1) “I can admire putting aside pretension and telling it like it is. However, I have to draw the line at people who do not give a shit about what they say. Especially when it comes at the cost of another person’s dignity.  If more people were telling me, “You’re a dick,” than, “I appreciate your honesty,” — and if it was bothering me — maybe I’d wanna re-evaluate the way I choose my words. Not necessarily because my lexicon is somehow wrong, but maybe because I’m tired of being called a dick.”

2) “Well it depends now, son. If a girl comes out wearing a new dress and asks you how it looks, and you say, “you look as grotesque as always. putting on a new dress isn’t going to change that fact.” That could be honest or mean, maybe both. So you can be overly blunt and in effect, rude.”

On Friendships

On Friendships

I understand.  One thing I’ve noticed is that I can never form strong relationships with the people who I feel like I’d have a connection with, so I’m stuck hanging out with the more uninteresting people who are more accessible.  I just think that I don’t naturally understand friendship.  As kids we were forced to hang out with people and build bonds, but now as adults we can do our own thing and I find it difficult to merge my “own thing” with someone else’s “own thing”.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am happier now that I do not have any close friends: life is drama-free, time passes smoothly, I’m focused on school, my career, and hobbies without anyone reminding me of my failures whenever I’m celebrating a success.

I never understood why people choose to tell me in person that I need to be more like someone else.  If you prefer someone else, then go hang out with them, because if you think you’re more compatible with a different type of person, the feeling is most likely mutual.  People come and go, and I’ve noticed that if I’m just open to new people I find a real gem of a person to hang out with every year or so.  Sounds few and far between,  I’ve learned to just keep my eyes open and enjoy the few enjoyables while their life is in sync with mine.  In the mean time, I stay out of the personal lives of people I don’t feel a spark for while striving to be a good person.

Fuel for Dream Worlds

Fuel for Dream Worlds

New people can always wait, or so, I have recently found, is the best policy.  I didn’t always have that policy though, and I should have, especially with a few key individuals.  Funny how being open doesn’t have the same connotation as it once did.  I used to be so closed off, then all of a sudden I was way open and met some really cool people, through whom I have gradually realized I should be a bit more closed off.  Is it me or is it them?  The difficulty is that, in the beginning, people are always excited about new people with whom they share some sort of connection (or even a “spark” if they’re lucky) with.

That spark helps, it does… but it doesn’t mean that person is not going to treat you in a manner you deem as disrespectful.  It just means that you’re going to get a bit too close to someone too fast before you can gauge any real connectivity between the two of you.  Unless, of course, you can develop the ability to hold back a bit.  Yes, the Sparkers are on your radar more so than any others. Yes, you want to spend more time with them and get more information about them to fill your dream world with wonderful day dreams where this new person is the star player.  But no, you shouldn’t do that.  I was once told that it is not healthy to meditate/think in-depth about an actual person, now I understand why.

You can tell when another person has done this (used your essence for dream world fuel) about you, because at some point in time they will tell you all about how disappointed they are in you.  They will claim that the type of person they perceived you to be in the beginning is actually much different from the person they are speaking to only a few weeks later and they are no longer interested in you because of it.

When this happens, you must question your role in the equation, because in no way has your true character EVER been given a chance.  People (myself included) use the real world as fuel for their own internal dreamworld and it is best to identify this trait in individuals before you start making clouded judgments about them.

If anyone ever claims that you possess any personality traits which are completely opposite of who you know yourself to be, then, I am sorry to tell you, but you have fallen victim to a delusional mind.  There are no words that can convince the person of the type of person you actually are, because they already made up their mind as to who you are to them.  And who you are to a person is all they will LET you be to them.

The words are only a way to pass time while they come to terms with the fact that you aren’t who they want/need you to be, therefore the words mean nothing, so don’t get stuck on them.  Actions and body language are all that matter.

On Flashforwards

On Flashforwards

I woke up two months ago and it was all brand new, the light shook my hand with a smile, changing everything so that nothing before felt as if it actually happened.  Then freedom set itself in through my calmer routine.  Once the stresses of busy times subsided and I could sit back and reflect on the things that used to bother me, I found that not only did they not bother me anymore, but I also couldn’t quite remember why I was bothered by them in the first place.  This joyful forgetting has happened before.

Liberated, I’m ready to go explore again.  I just can’t yet, but I can taste it in my imagination.  This tinge in my mind sets in only when I am not engaged in conversation or distracted by some other task.  It is torturous, the constant salivating over something that you know you can obtain, the hungry knowing that so much time must pass before the harvest, and the painful tingling of possibilities of what will happen in the mean time…

I sit and go about my everyday life, routine after routine, carrying the thoughts of what has been and what could be both floating simultaneously with every movement and every word.  Dreams have turned into strategic scheming and gathering of data of how of how to get where I want to be.

I must admit there is still one thing bothering me.  But i think it is normal to be bothered by being told to go away before you have been given a proper chance.  I don’t know how long it will take until my psyche stops tossing that thought into my completely unrelated existence.