I got my mind from my dad’s side of the family. I know this because the only relatives who completely (and I mean without a doubt) understand me at my wildest edges of the English language are from that side of the family, specifically my paternal grandmother’s side, they also completely understand my contempt for 95% of people I meet (yes, most of you are socially annoying and you cover it up by getting even more in people’s private business, the thought that no one needs you is terrifying, the thought that no one needs us is liberating… we are a different breed and we love ourselves for it). That’s not to say that I didn’t get any aspects from the other three pieces. I definitely gain extraordinary abilities from he other sides. My magnetism for reading and overly advance practicality came from my maternal grandmother’s side. My hardworking ethic and royal blood (over sense of self worth once reduced to peasant status) from my maternal grandfather’s side. I just realized that I have never met a sole from my paternal grandfather’s side of the family (aside from my grandfather himself, who passed when I was 2)… I asked my dad and apparently they were all a happy family until he moved to California with his parents from Charleston, West Virginia to California in 1957. So I really am not sure what traits my mind has gathered from that side of the family. But judging from stories… my wandering eye definitely originated there…. but thanks to my maternal grandmother though, I’ve never felt the urge to cheat.
There are just so many rules in social life to follow… too many rules! I know them all so well that I am aware of many many opportunities to to break them, but I don’t break them on the world stage. Instead I break them in my mind. I play out the entire scene for my own amusement and often detriment. Generally the penalty for breaking social rules is embarrassment. If perchance you happen to not get embarrassed then people go out of their way to explain why you should be embarrassed while giving you those looks meant to teach children to behave and conform. Having broken many social rules, I am conditioned to be highly aware of rules, so aware that I automatically leave social gatherings with a feeling that I did something wrong. It is an automatic response that typically lasts until I finish reviewing the event for validation of the feeling. On a good day this feeling doesn’t bother me, but if I have been stressed, hungover, or not feel particularly well, my ability to deflect irrational thoughts decreases and I become unable to shake it off. Dwelling in these irrational thoughts only makes me feel worse. Awareness of what is going on helps but doesn’t fully cure my episode of despair. All I can do is hope that my general sense of well-being returns to brighten my day.
In a brief moment of despair at not being in love for far too long, I summoned up my favorite lover from my memory. After dancing the softness of his skin and reliving the sparkling spot in my soul where his memorizing eyes met mine, I finally remembered what it felt like to be in love again. For a brief second the portal between us opened again, long enough for me to whisper “but i love you…” Swooning once again in a state of ecstasy, he awoke from my spell, “Mareks…Mareks, darling are you still there?” said a sweet voice over the phone. “Hm, hmm, yes yes, uh blue, blue is a great color for the guest bedroom, look I’ve got to go, I’ll call you back when I’m on my way home” he replied….”Love you too….cheers….bye”. He nervously stood up and looked out the window over Sydney Harbour. He remembered too.
As social beings, we are naturally inclined to react to other people. Growing up, we are conditioned on how to behave towards people as well as how to read the basics of communication, yet there is still so much for which our vocabulary is heavily insufficient to explain. Often people apply all the right rules and following all the social back and forths only to be further away from others than they were when they were strangers. In all manner of capacity, the cultural social cues should have been enough, but more often than not, they fail us. In all honesty, human connection is one of the least understood aspects of life, cognitively speaking. There is no explanation for subtleties affecting why certain people are great friends yet others can’t stand the mere mention of one anothers’ names. In reality it isn’t the social banter that it important, it is how others make you feel. There are some of us who are quite sensitive to how other people affect us, meaning our internal reaction to someone’s presence drives whether or not we bother to make contact or continue on with mindless social exercises. There are many different ways that people make me feel. Some more pleasant than others. One feeling in particular is horribly annoying: the allergic reaction.
Like any allergy, it take a few interactions with a person to realize that I am allergic to them. Once the allergy is full blown, my immune system switches my brain into self preservation mode. All energy goes into getting as far away from the person as possible. My vision narrows so that my brain can focus solely on escape routes as well as be unable to make clear eye contact. My vocal cords tighten to only allow out desperate cries for freedom. My sinuses tighten so my nervous system can be ready to produce tears in case I really need to show someone how serious I am. I instinctively want to curl up into a ball by hugging my knees to keep the individual from thinking that I am open to their presence.
I know this is an allergic reaction because once the allergen is gone, I feel relieved that I am able to act normal again. Like any in any other allergy situation, the best thing for my health is to avoid the allergens, so I do…and guess what?!?!? I’ve been allergy symptom free! 🙂
I don’t think I want to get married. It is odd how difficult it is to admit. All paths on the map to get there are dead ends. Thinking about it hits my nervous system and almost makes me want to cry. But I don’t cry, maybe a slight sob will come out. I’m mourning the loss of my dreams. At one time I had thought that’s what I wanted.
The next thoughts is, “What am I going to do instead?” I think that’s where the lost cry comes from because I don’t know. I guess I will just work, save money, travel, enjoy my freedom, continue to dabble in experience with men if I met one who is interesting enough. That’s all. It can be summed up that quickly. Mourning the loss of my dreams because I have out grown them. I always had difficulty accepting that I have to grow up. I’m never fully ready for it, usually I’m way past the point when I realize what about me needs to be changed.
I still have some hope that the world with change and I will be able to see things differently, but as far as I can tell, the situation is out of my control. The guys I like don’t like me, I don’t like the guys who like me, I’m broke, so are they… I don’t enjoy feeling obligated to socialize with people, it exhausts me. I am happy the way I am with my day to day happenings. I see dating as a form of prostitution and marriage as a prison where I am damned to be the bitch he cheats on and a surrogate mother he has to ask for permission to stay out late.
You feel confident when in certain situations, but when specific people are around you feel the need to compete for the friendship. Your “friend” encourages this by naturally not making social concessions/offering agreed upon reassurance towards you. When confronted your friend acts like they didn’t notice because they do it on purpose as their way of controlling you. Confused you assume it is just in your mind, so you try to ignore it. It happens again when the “better” friend is around.
Suddenly you realize that there is a hierarchy and the needs of the friends higher on the list are met before yours. Often the needs of higher friends is that your “friend” be cold to their lower friends. This modern day Machiavellianism is how friends exert dominance other each other for their own negative, controlling self indulgence.
The world is apparently flattening yet all over I still sense a need in people to cling to old forms of social class structures. Top schools, top jobs, top companies, top designers, top top top top top. Are we working for money or recognition? If someone pays you a salary, you are working class. If you live paycheck to pay check, regardless of income amount, you are broke. If your net worth is negative, you are broke.
The standard of living gives people a false sense of social standing. The ability to talk and act “up” also give a false sense of where they stand. People aren’t competing against each other, people are competing against what others claim to have or be doing. There is a big difference, especially if you encounter a habitual exaggerator who defines themselves by their dreams not by their actual accomplishments. But anyway, why the need to compete after the contest is over? After the good school, good work experience, good standard of living, etc. At what point does the competitive drive just allow everyone to kick back and simply enjoy the fruits?
i guess I just want the competitive people to shut up. It is the noise coming out of their mouth, infecting my ears that irritates me. For some reason my brain finds meaning in it, fearful meaning. Perhaps my sensitivity to words is just flaring up again. The words hit at my insecurity about no being smart enough or good enough. So whenever I hear the competitive chatter, it gets to me. I don’t like being taunted, teased, or put down. Words have meaning and I respect them. Therefore I don’t use them aggressively unless I mean to, but that doesn’t mean I should expect everyone else to follow my same doctrine.
Harnessing my own insecurity would help. If I accepted that I am perfectly fine and capable, then I could move on. I could fill in the empty space were my old insecurity sat with something better that doesn’t listen for fearful confirmation. I could replace it with confidence and the ability to not need to second guess myself.
I knowingly bought a ticket to the known world. The place where all the pieces are planned and mapped out. Where life doesn’t just happen to you. Where most attempts to find vibrant life end with a mediocre thought of “at least I tried”. But I bought the ticket anyway because it is a place where I knew I could sit back, feel normal, and make sense of what I’d been through. Now that I’ve recuperated internally I’m looking out and I can’t help but struggle with my decision. I look back and wonder what could have been done differently in all the wildness. I guess the unrealized sense of a piece of life being over has now become fully realized. In efforts to create a new plan it makes sense to look back and list out all the dislikes in order to make better decisions for the next round. This time around, part of me didn’t realize it was over. Part of me is ready to go, part of me wants to stay, and most of me can’t afford to leave. All in all, it is good that I stepped on the train, because the known world is good for people who don’t know what to do next yet.