It isn’t what people say at the beginning of a conversation that is on their minds. Wait for it. The bread and butter will reveal itself. I know this because I know my own mind. It never stops living. My life is a mere continuation of my dreams, but in my waking life I are often interrupted by simple things such as people talking to me, cars needing to be driven, work needing to be done, and bodies needing to be taken care of. In my sleep there is no stopping the thoughts, they manifest to their fullest without remorse or guilt for any harm or discomfort they cause me. But I don’t mind, I like to roam free. In watching my thoughts, I am able to see through the layers by not getting stuck on one topic, so for a second, I get a glimpse of what is bothering me way underneath it all. Under those layers are the things I wouldn’t say until I was deep into the conversation. Under the layers are the situations that I wish never happened, the things I wish I could take back, and the things I wish would leave me alone. I see those issues there, but seeing is all I can do. If I pull out a topic from the roots and thus finally rid myself of its nagging existence, another topic will fill into that spot. The process is endless because the spots are always there, grasping issues to apply its emotions to. Seeing through the layers, clearing them off, and restructuring was just the beginning. It is overwhelming to climb what you thought was the tallest peak only to finally see how many more mountains are ahead of you. It is the space they layers fill that needs adjustment. How to adjust them, I don’t yet know. From here I cannot see how deep they go because the surface life covers them for most of my day. When the surface life is very smooth and thick, it crates a nice trail to follow that makes me not think about the foundation built below. Maybe this is because the deep layers really do not matter so long as life is in order. So I guess this one comes down to this: When life is good, don’t spoil the fun.
I’m lost in a sea of endless chatter
Front, back, and all around I hear the banter
I sit for days and ponder what could be
Never what could have been, maybe rarely though
The ramblings stop short in certain spots
Giving me relief from constant digestion of words to derive meanings
How can so little mean so much while at the same time not be clear
It becomes difficult to cling to the signs of the sane
when everywhere you see signs of other people clinging
If the signs aren’t clear then don’t follow them
They will only lead to friends who you can never fully grasp
Don’t be discouraged by the lack of clear signals
They are constant
Instead watch for the light houses
Their beacons always guide to go places with good food and peace of mind
Not everyone is a whole person to everyone else
If you cannot see 360 degrees then don’t bother
Some beacons are too bright, trend with caution towards them
They are sirens and devils in disguise
Don’t be surprised that these devils exist
Once you’ve meet one, you’ll be better able to spot another and thus avoid them
They take human form but fit awkwardly into the body
They cannot grasp simple things like hygiene, manners, social ques, etc.
They often claim to have a devastating mental disability or horrible upbringing, yet are extremely well educated
They are essentially harmless physically but will suck the life out of you
They feed off your energy and take over your life
These are not the real guiding beacons in life
They have nothing to show you, but only see what you can do to fulfill their goals and mission
The real beacons don’t intrude
they have manners because they aren’t devils who invaded another’s body
they are compassionate and considerate humans
there is more to life than beacons and signs
but still be sure to learn which are important to you
and which are really just dust.
An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind. Rework worries me. I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself. Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.
Rework makes me feel like shit. Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true. It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault. But I often blame myself, not cognitively. The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage. It is a mess. When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.” I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework. Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears. Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.
I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process. Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off. Sigh… it never ends….