I’m blocked. I can’t finish anything, I can’t hold on to excitement for anything for more than a few weeks (the new boyfriend as the only exception). Maybe it is just him that I want to focus on and it just makes everything else seem so blah.
I have all these ideas in my free time but I keep getting interrupted by work, family, friends… my real life. My dream world receives no steady fuel, just stark reality. I have no hope for excitement arriving in the near future. Real world goals are not easy. They are not laid out on a neat syllabus with set milestones for results. Moral causes are immediately rationalized away as life rolls over them.
I know too much. I see the next step in everything I have enjoyed and I cannot get there in any of them:
Dancing – teach, make costumes, and travel
Fashion – have a clothing company
reading/writing – write stories
Education – PhD
Career – CPA
Music – learn more about it and put together good performance music
Photography/Videography – learn to put it all together
Travel – need a profitable plan
Yoga is the only place where I have no place else to move forward with. I think that is the essence of Yoga though to move peacefully with it. Knowing that in itself make me feel I am at a progressive pace with it.
There is something about the next step in all that I listed above that shuts me down and makes me feel lazy. It is too hard and I don’t trust myself to have the stamina to follow through. In some areas I feel I need more education, like a fashion degree, to get me immersed in the culture of things. But I have taken so so many classes and have a hard time showing up to all of them. I feel compelled to rebel against the system in place and must gather my freedom.
In many ways I would only be taking a next step for myself with my own money. That was a down fall of the CPA exam part II failure. I had no one to be accountable to except myself and I was willing to waste more money on the task just to test my ability to focus. Sigh. Honestly I don’t even like accounting. It drains me but pays my bills, so getting my CPA is a difficult task because the subject is just like work and I can’t focus on that stuff for so much of my day.
I need to play. That need counters my need for goals and productive routines. I need to play. It comes down to productive play… Maybe I’ll just let it all go and keep playing for the sake of playing. Eventually I’ll get over my need to be productive in my free time. I just wish that work didn’t suck up so much of my productivity and drive. It could go two ways: 1) just accept it and put more energy into work, or 2) Keep stressing myself out and battling myself in my free time.
I don’t see a clear way out while I’m enslaved to my bills. 6 more months of debt to go. I just need to remember to make life as awesome as possible in the mean time. Which in itself is another difficult task to add to my list.