Flow

Flow

Achieving a constant state of flow is expensive, both directly in terms of cost and indirectly in terms of opportunity cost.  Because of this inherent cost, I have gotten myself into a good enough state of artificial flow.  During my week I feel a sense of achievement in making sure my boss is happy with my work.  He is easily pleased and I am actively learning something new almost everyday.  I also have family and enough friends to keep me occupied in my free time.

Then comes the weekends where nothing is planned.  I catch up on sleep, then complete most of my to-do list.  Once all that clears away I am painstakingly aware that despite all the goals I have achieved, all the knowledge I have attained, and all the money I have saved in my retirement account, l feel as though I have gotten no where.

I feel so lazy at the thought that despite all that work I still feel empty like a hamster on a wheel.  I accomplished all my dreams.  I feel so grateful and fulfilled that I have been able to do all these things that I needed to do to evolve into who I am today.  So why the hell am I so bored?

Nothing is keeping me in the flow.  Goals feel like just more shit I have to do because I accomplished all my goals, I rose above and now all that goal accomplishment energy has no true goal to apply itself to.  Any new goal is just me trying to find the next subject or topic that will keep me engaged in the world.  Something that captures my attention and holds me to it all the way to the end.  Sadly, no.  I can’t find flow.  Even in books.  I can’t find a new genre to get into.  I miss the captivation of a new subject to master.

I have things to do, I just don’t feel like doing them will get me anywhere.  I’ll still end up on the other side of that goal in the same place trying to find the next thing that will take me some place exotic.

I could pay for another degree or plane ticket.  I could, but once that trip is over, like all the others, I’ll probably be sitting right here again, bitching about how all my work has done nothing but keep me occupied while time passes.  My flow is fragmented, all the pieces are living their own separate lives and I’m just juggling all my various skills and abilities trying desperately to get them all together into something that keeps me happy all the time.

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