Author Archives: ThinkingHabit

The Future

The Future

All the cool stuff is happening in the future right now and I am stuck in the present just watching it all happen over and over and over.  All my possible futures are happening right behind my eyes and all I’m doing is sitting here watching and waiting endlessly for my turn to play life to its fullest again.

I find myself noticing how I have forgotten what it is like to be a child.  I’ve been strict and committed to the idea of never forgetting from about the age of 4.  I say 4 because 4 is the age I don’t remember being, yet I remember learning this idea prior to remembering the age of 5.

Now that I know that I will have another break from employment obligations my brain has instantly gone back into summer vacation mode.  A job hopper’s dream, dream, dream come true!  This will be the first time between jobs (out of 15) that I get paid to take a break from work.  My ego is stroking itself repeating, “I’m so good at this,” over and over and I just watch and laugh carelessly in agreement as if it were actually true.  It’s not because I’m good at this.  It’s because of random timing.  I just happen to finally find a “permanent” job two years before that job was being moved out of state and it just so happens that I will get bought out of my “at-will” employment agreement.  This is really a “please don’t sue us” or a “statistically, if we buy you out of your job you are less likely to be a problem in the future” payout.

What does this have to do with summer vacation?  Summer vacation is when, not only does your environment not change, but your standard of living also goes up for those three months.  While not on summer vacation one must adhere to the norm of civilized educated society by showing up at a location at a specific time and paying attention to/remaining in that specific location for a specific period of time.  None of that happens on summer vacation.  None.  On summer vacation I sleep when I want to sleep, I eat when I want to eat, I talk to people when I want to talk to people, and best of all I drive when I want to drive. I am essentially my true self.  Not this mercenary self who is well aware her student debt needs to be paid off in order to move forward in life.

It’s the need to be a mercenary that has created its own survival personality.  This is survival in its simplest form.  I should be grateful that my survivor personality is not a staring victim of war or a self defending warrior of a warring nation.  No, mine is one of a bored middle class adventurer.  Very first world problem, thank. god.  But that’s what I’ve got and thats the biggest problem my almost unemployed brain wants to go with.  The fact that playtime is nearing in 100% of it’s truest form (of the likes I have not seen for more than a decade) and I have forgotten how to play.

For years my hobbies have been dwindling out of my everyday routine.  All my favorite toys are collecting dust in my closet or under my bed.  I think of them often but am too put off by the amount of work it takes to play with them.  I’d rather not start than get half way through, not finish, but still have a huge mess to clean up.  That’s what she said 😉

I’ve seen no point in continuing activities that aren’t going to actually and practically get me ahead in the world.  I haven’t had the mental energy to juggle too many ideas at a given time.  I dislike my day being full of scheduled activities and feeling obligated to clean off my to-do list.  I’m an essentially sick of many things that used to fly me away into happiness.  They say that is a sign of depression.  If so, I’m the happiest depressed person that I’ve ever met.  Maybe I was depressed and didn’t know it and suddenly I’m not depressed and have forgot the extremity of where I was a few weeks ago before I found out that I have the opportunity to be myself again (for a long time) very, very soon.   In that case it wouldn’t matter, at least not until I’m back down to a level that relates, which would be in the future where apparently not only cool stuff is happening.

 

Flow

Flow

Achieving a constant state of flow is expensive, both directly in terms of cost and indirectly in terms of opportunity cost.  Because of this inherent cost, I have gotten myself into a good enough state of artificial flow.  During my week I feel a sense of achievement in making sure my boss is happy with my work.  He is easily pleased and I am actively learning something new almost everyday.  I also have family and enough friends to keep me occupied in my free time.

Then comes the weekends where nothing is planned.  I catch up on sleep, then complete most of my to-do list.  Once all that clears away I am painstakingly aware that despite all the goals I have achieved, all the knowledge I have attained, and all the money I have saved in my retirement account, l feel as though I have gotten no where.

I feel so lazy at the thought that despite all that work I still feel empty like a hamster on a wheel.  I accomplished all my dreams.  I feel so grateful and fulfilled that I have been able to do all these things that I needed to do to evolve into who I am today.  So why the hell am I so bored?

Nothing is keeping me in the flow.  Goals feel like just more shit I have to do because I accomplished all my goals, I rose above and now all that goal accomplishment energy has no true goal to apply itself to.  Any new goal is just me trying to find the next subject or topic that will keep me engaged in the world.  Something that captures my attention and holds me to it all the way to the end.  Sadly, no.  I can’t find flow.  Even in books.  I can’t find a new genre to get into.  I miss the captivation of a new subject to master.

I have things to do, I just don’t feel like doing them will get me anywhere.  I’ll still end up on the other side of that goal in the same place trying to find the next thing that will take me some place exotic.

I could pay for another degree or plane ticket.  I could, but once that trip is over, like all the others, I’ll probably be sitting right here again, bitching about how all my work has done nothing but keep me occupied while time passes.  My flow is fragmented, all the pieces are living their own separate lives and I’m just juggling all my various skills and abilities trying desperately to get them all together into something that keeps me happy all the time.

Hope and Reality

Hope and Reality

“I just want the pants!”  The phrase that plays in my mind whenever I think of performance inabilities.  I was taking a pattern making class at a community center in a suburb of Auckland, New Zealand.  The woman who exclaimed the phrase had been to several Saturday pattern making classes because she was a very wide-hipped and narrow-waisted hour glass.  The kind who never in her life had a pair of pants that actually fit her shape perfectly.  She was on the verge of tears, trembling lip an all, as she yelped out that echoing phrase.  Making her own pants was the last option within her budget.  Despite hours of hope, all hope was lost.  It suddenly became clear that nothing she could do was going to fulfill that hope.  The dark cloud of despair entombed her face and never left for the rest of the class.

Maybe it is the budget that kills us.  Yes, if we had all the money in the world we would be able to let someone else deal with the stress of finding us pants that fit.  First world problems.  The ability to dream and see in one’s mind that a different reality can exist for us is monumental to our survival.  No one can stay sane if they are aware that every day of their future is likely to be just as shitty as the one they have been experiencing for the last God knows how many days.  No one.  I must envision a brighter future.  I must see how my inputs into this waste of time will convince someone that I am capable of moving on to the next level.  Beating the boss takes stamina.  It takes wit and intellect.  These’s people are dense and narrow minded because they need to be to keep their cog of the wheel operational.  They can’t just let everyone pass go and collect $200.  You have to pass their unacknowledged tests to pass go.  That’s life.

Problem is, passing Go takes time.  The amount of time passing Go takes is different in different cultures.  Some cultures understand the real world.  Some cultures understand their own real world.  To a person who has traveled and lived in the “real world”, this idea is confusing.  Imagine taking a multiple choice test for an online college course.  No lectures, just a text book to rely on for information.  One test question asks, “The best way to make a profit is to buy low and sell high, true or false?”  What is your answer? You can rationalize that both answers are correct in some way or another.  But according to the text book that you are being tested on, the answer is “true”.  Not because your life experience has told you that it is true, not because your friends agree, but simply because in the context of this specific life situation, the text book explicitly says that on page 279.  A+ for you.