It is sad that us 30 somethings are leading no different of a trajectory then our parents. Sad because that wasn’t the plan. We didn’t plan to live blue collar jobs where 50 cent raises every year were a luxury. We planned to make bank. Instead of getting jobs at stable companies out of high school or after our AA degrees, we went full out and got through grad school. To make what? An inflation adjust equivalent of your parent’s 1980’s wages plus a student loan. Without what? a house and a family.
Seriously, my parents had a family young because they could afford one. They had the means to make it happen. My generation had them either by accident (trust me not a single one of my “smart” friends from high school has had a child out of wedlock because we studied the shit out of birth control) or planned without an infusion from inheritance.
I set out to beat debt. I wasn’t going to live like everyone else either racking up credit cards or using their house as an ATM. But it doesn’t work. The possibilities are too abundant and salaries have declined. Everywhere I turn are people trying to over charge for the most simplest of items. $3.00 for a kitchen sponge where I can get 10 for $2.00 elsewhere. Simple everyday things that suck the life out of me. These things add up, and marketers know that. I feel taken advantaged of. Employers know we need money so they hold it against us. This world is evil. We really are in hell, our own reincarnated level of hell. I’ve known this since I was a child and I see it to be true because happiness is only temporary. We are given what we get for no understandable purpose. the fact that it is not comprehensible or apparent that we know why we are here and playing in this specific position suggests that that is why we are here. The unknowns are the key. The unknowns are our reason for reincarnation or whatever you want to call it. We are tortured by the ones better off than us just as much as the less fortunate. We can not achieve higher and fear a fall further from grace.
Be not afraid is a mis nomer. Be afraid. So afraid that you chose to help create heaven on earth. Don’t worry about standing up to the politicians, go beyond them. Create heaven on earth, don’t wait for the after life. Make the after life heaven when you get there too. Clean up hell. Don’t yield to the intimation of the under world. Don’t go weak in the knees and embrace your own mortality. Merge heaven and earth. Bring them as one and no one will suffer. No one will be left starving or maddened by ignorance and illness.
Make life a better place in all realms and dimensions. Bring the gods in harmony, let the angels sing and the fairies unite. This place is only evil as much as we let evil in. Merge the worlds and summon the spirits to pull it all together for endless mirth and merriment. Only then will this abomination of disparity cease to exist.
It’s an evil place playing a dirty trick. Everywhere are teases of happiness and absolved despair with a price just out of reach. It allows you the knowledge that you’ll fall over a cliff if you lean just slightly more forward to grasp the carrot of a day. Nowhere is the actual capability to bring the carrot closer. Everyone is fooled. They tout ideas and strategies for bringing the carrot closer as they themselves remain carrot-less as well. The only way to ever get close to the carrot is to sell your soul to the evilness. To work for the madman to keep the distractions flowing so no one wakes up from the illusion. Those who have woken up are pitied for everything they’ve lost. In this place, no one can keep their worldly possessions without paying a price to the madman. Only two choices exist: pay with all your possessions and live in exile as an unfortunate, or pay with your heart and soul working your life behind meaninglessness barriers.
You feel confident when in certain situations, but when specific people are around you feel the need to compete for the friendship. Your “friend” encourages this by naturally not making social concessions/offering agreed upon reassurance towards you. When confronted your friend acts like they didn’t notice because they do it on purpose as their way of controlling you. Confused you assume it is just in your mind, so you try to ignore it. It happens again when the “better” friend is around.
Suddenly you realize that there is a hierarchy and the needs of the friends higher on the list are met before yours. Often the needs of higher friends is that your “friend” be cold to their lower friends. This modern day Machiavellianism is how friends exert dominance other each other for their own negative, controlling self indulgence.
I sat trying to read a book full of cool concepts but I couldn’t help but to internalize on all the memories that can finally come to mind without causing me distress. Well, I guess that isn’t true because if they no longer had a negative effect on me then the topic of them wouldn’t suck my attention away from the book I had set out to read. So, at least the horrible thoughts don’t completely incapacitate me as they once did.
It is annoying how crises often drive exciting times in life. But crises are often referred to as the catalyst for change. I see nothing wrong with that because crises happen all the time, the only difference is that for most crisis, I already have the appropriate coping mechanisms built up so they pass by without much left-over thought. For those crises that I am not prepared to deal with, I am cursed to constantly review and review and review and play out and play out and play out the events until my mind is finally a lean mean coping machine.
My problem with this method of learning is that I do not like the middle of the process where I am fully aware of the fact that I am in a state of turmoil with nothing but time needed to bring my mind back to a functionally healthy state. While waiting for my mind to get over it’s cold, confusion causes immobilization which in turn causes more conflict to arise out of the life situations that I now face in the aftermath of the initial crisis situation. In short, recovery is a long and arduous task and can only be accomplished by simply doing what it is I need to do to make myself realize that what I’ve gone through is actually normal, Fortune just had never swung her tiller so sharply for me before.
But afterwards, what is to be done when all evidence of some monumentous, now long past, occurrence in life is all but erased from my daily experience? Aside from the memories popping up here and there, things are calmer now, there is nothing to struggle against. Days pass by smoothly, people come and go, work gets done, new opportunities pop up to greet me, etc. I guess this is just what it is like to have let something go. But it feels weird to have once spent so long plagued by flashbacks in often silent despair, to now talk freely about all the details as if it were some sort of sitcom. Why did it take so long not to care about it? Why couldn’t I have been in this state of not caring sooner? I would be three years more advanced than I am now. Sigh, it is just the way of the cookie.
I was excited about the birthday gift I had bought one of my favorite friends. I found the coolest watch for her because years ago (before this friend had become friends with everyone else in my group of friends) she had excitedly shown me her watch collection and explained how much she liked having so many of them. After all this time I finally found a watch that fit my friend’s style.
That night, after a movie, I ran to catch my friend (who was getting in the car to go home) and give her the neatly wrapped box.
With a huge smile, I said “Wait! I have a present for you, Happy Birthday!”
After I handed my friend the package, she turned it over in her hands and without opening it, she apathetically asked, “Oh is it a watch?”
I lost all momentum and replied, “yeah, it is.”
My friend said, “yeah, everyone’s been giving me watches, but thanks.”
I felt a certain emotion for which at the time I had no words. It was a sudden disconnection that only years later would I be able to describe as the feeling you get when you realize that some friends treat everyone just like they treated you and to them, you are just another person to kill time with; nothing special and completely disposable.
Apologies have so much power. I love apologizing to someone who as just lost a couple points of my respect just to see how they take it. It is funny to see how their whole attitude changes all of a sudden. It went from a situation where no one had yet admitted fault and both parties have looming thoughts of “oh shit, I hope I’m not going to be in the doghouse for doing that,” to “yeah, you did mess up, but it is okay I forgive you.” Whoa, just because I apologize doesn’t mean you didn’t mess up either. And I know you know that you were no angel, but you’re not that smart to have fooled me into disregarding your rather ridiculous behavior.
The funny thing is that I am not talking about one specific situation here. I have a couple in mind actually, all with different parties involved. Taking the blame, to cite a useful example, is actually a very powerful maneuver when I intend to no longer upkeep a relationship with someone. They walk away all proud that they were right (silently thanking god that I didn’t call them out of their fears) and assume, for a while, that my silence is an indication that I am somewhat shy about crossing their path again, leaving me plenty of time to move along with my life without bother from said individual. (Note: this doesn’t apply to you if I still talk to you, and it took rather monumental incidents to illicit this type of extreme I am referencing here, but this was a natural reaction out of me before I realized that it causes problems leading to further analysis in hopes of finding a better way of reacting to such situations).
Sounds harsh, but that’s the difficulty in accepting an apology from someone else. (I’m talking about real apologies from real emotionally heightened situations, not just, “sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you just then.”) In accepting an apology, I do not see how to continue on past that actually. Like, “Okay, I accept your apology, but that doesn’t mean I can act normal around you again.” This coming from someone who actually has never mended a real broken relationship (except for one sorta, which I have no idea how that happened… probably because I have no idea how the relationship really started to begin with and I am rather blurry on what the actual context of the relationship really is/was.. oh right, I fell in love with him rather suddenly, I don’t know why…moving on…). I don’t know what else to say other than, it is over when it is over unless I can somehow manage to dream it back to life. But if I can do that, I’m obviously not over it.
There was a point, rather far in the past, where I was extremely jealous. This point in my life always comes back to plague me because nothing was actually solved at the time, I was simply “forgiven” for my horrifying emotion and all continued on with this situation pushed under the rug of our minds. My previous ponderings of jealously have lead me to believe that whenever I feel jealous, it is a signal that something in the relationship (whatever kind of relationship) isn’t actually working for me, and the emotions are just projected onto another party to formulate a cause for the emotion. The cyclical aspect of this is exactly what doesn’t make sense about it. But it was all I could come up with at the time.
Further pondering has lead me to a different approach, one that presupposes the jealousy. For this particular situation as well as an unfortunate second, I made one rather large error. That error being that I was under the impression that specific actions towards me were under the definition of the relationship I was in with said individual. In actuality, those actions were being given to me as if I was just an ordinary friend. Like, I thought something specific meant something special, when it really didn’t. Which explains why, when another person was treated in said manner, I was a little more than butt hurt about it. But then again, said individual was rather opportunistic… so I think this whole thing is an even bigger waste of my time. Yeah, I’m not even going to finish this thought for you.