Apologies have so much power. I love apologizing to someone who as just lost a couple points of my respect just to see how they take it. It is funny to see how their whole attitude changes all of a sudden. It went from a situation where no one had yet admitted fault and both parties have looming thoughts of “oh shit, I hope I’m not going to be in the doghouse for doing that,” to “yeah, you did mess up, but it is okay I forgive you.” Whoa, just because I apologize doesn’t mean you didn’t mess up either. And I know you know that you were no angel, but you’re not that smart to have fooled me into disregarding your rather ridiculous behavior.
The funny thing is that I am not talking about one specific situation here. I have a couple in mind actually, all with different parties involved. Taking the blame, to cite a useful example, is actually a very powerful maneuver when I intend to no longer upkeep a relationship with someone. They walk away all proud that they were right (silently thanking god that I didn’t call them out of their fears) and assume, for a while, that my silence is an indication that I am somewhat shy about crossing their path again, leaving me plenty of time to move along with my life without bother from said individual. (Note: this doesn’t apply to you if I still talk to you, and it took rather monumental incidents to illicit this type of extreme I am referencing here, but this was a natural reaction out of me before I realized that it causes problems leading to further analysis in hopes of finding a better way of reacting to such situations).
Sounds harsh, but that’s the difficulty in accepting an apology from someone else. (I’m talking about real apologies from real emotionally heightened situations, not just, “sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you just then.”) In accepting an apology, I do not see how to continue on past that actually. Like, “Okay, I accept your apology, but that doesn’t mean I can act normal around you again.” This coming from someone who actually has never mended a real broken relationship (except for one sorta, which I have no idea how that happened… probably because I have no idea how the relationship really started to begin with and I am rather blurry on what the actual context of the relationship really is/was.. oh right, I fell in love with him rather suddenly, I don’t know why…moving on…). I don’t know what else to say other than, it is over when it is over unless I can somehow manage to dream it back to life. But if I can do that, I’m obviously not over it.