In a brief moment of despair at not being in love for far too long, I summoned up my favorite lover from my memory. After dancing the softness of his skin and reliving the sparkling spot in my soul where his memorizing eyes met mine, I finally remembered what it felt like to be in love again. For a brief second the portal between us opened again, long enough for me to whisper “but i love you…” Swooning once again in a state of ecstasy, he awoke from my spell, “Mareks…Mareks, darling are you still there?” said a sweet voice over the phone. “Hm, hmm, yes yes, uh blue, blue is a great color for the guest bedroom, look I’ve got to go, I’ll call you back when I’m on my way home” he replied….”Love you too….cheers….bye”. He nervously stood up and looked out the window over Sydney Harbour. He remembered too.
My words are ink blots, designed to play upon the very essence of what my readers want to hear. Sadly, I have neither granted wisdom beyond what they already knew, nor I have provided them with insight beyond what pieces they had already put together. Whatever it is that they seek they will not find here. But what of me you ask? What do I see in it all? in every word I see his bright blue eyes peering down at me in first sights spark, I feel his arms toss me into the sky only to catch me in his bed of roses, I hear his foreign voice resonate through my mind in a harsh language spoken so sweet, I see that smile that was only for me that night he took me to watch the Emerald City’s lights, and I feel my heart start pounding again like it did when he put his palm to my chest and astonishingly said, “you have a pulse.” In the divine, star-crossed madness of it all, I have to catch my breath and smile because I can still feel him pulsing through my veins.
I sat outside the Sydney Airport, scanning the rather empty parking lot for the shuttle to the city that seemed to have forgotten about me, when a old Australian man struck up a conversation with me.
“Got a light?” he asked,
“no, sorry, sir, but that man on his cell phone over there just finished smoking, he probably has one,” I replied while motioning in a direction off to my right.
The man got a light and returned to the bench where I sat.
“American or Canadian?” He asked me while blowing his smoke the opposite direction of me.
“American,” I said as cheerfully as I could having just been deep in thought about how I just landed half way around the world alone, “I’ve never been to Australia before, I’m excited.”
The man looked around as if he too was in a brand new world, “yeah, change is in the air.”
At first I thought he was being sarcastic in a way that I just didn’t understand, but in that moment I realized he was really being contemplative, basing his words off some sort of wisdom that I had yet to acquire.
I looked around not feeling change being in the air because my arrival was the result of a natural progression of events for me, and said, “well, everything seems normal around here, like, I’m sure this is how this place normally operates.” My voice cracked midway as I spoke as the emotion of realizing that I had really flown here alone hit me again, it came in waves.
“But you’re here,” the man said, “that’s a pretty big change, and not just for you, I tell you change is in the air, I can feel it.”
Just then the man’s ride pulled up. He put out his cigarette and a woman, who looked to be his daughter, helped him load his luggage into the car.
“You take care of yourself, and enjoy Oz,” he said to me with a grim as he got into the car.
“I will!, thank you!”I responded just before he closed the door and the car drove off.
I sat there for a few minutes thinking, “I have really done this.”
On was on this mission to face my fears. I managed to:
-Handle gardening with huge, meaty Australian spiders in Byron Bay,
-Walk boldly through brown snake infested areas at night with only a flash light
-Not freak out too much after finding a well fed leech glued to my arm in Daintree Rain Forest
-Scuba dive with Reef Sharks and Sea Snakes in the Great Barrier Reef
-Wade in a river where crocodiles have been spotted in the Palm Forest
But I had yet to face the bees. I couldn’t do it alone, so I decided to stay with some Beekeepers for a few days. Luckily, the bees were in the far side of the yard, so for the first day or so, I was out of the hazard and only dealing with the fun aspects of bees: beeswax. I made scented lipbalm, candles, and all sort of little random things these beekeepers sold out of their little shop. But the day came when I had to put on a netted hat, long sleeves and pants, and gloves and take apart some bee hives.
I learned a lot about bees, even that there are bees that do not have stingers! They’re so cute! Little black Nat looking things that make a unique tasting honey. If only all bees didn’t sting.
But talk about riding the fear. They were crawling on me and flying near my face. And here I am listening to my host tell me all these procedural things about dealing with bees, all while desperately holding myself back from sprinting into a chaotic run.
Later they got a call. A bee swarm has overtaken the backyard of a town resident and they wanted the bee keepers to come remove the bees. Upon arrival at the scene, it was clear that removing the bees would be no easy task. Even the bee keeper wasn’t crazy enough to climb the tree and capture the clump of bees that were grouping around their homeless queen. “Give it a few hours,” the bee keeper told the resident, “they might just be stopping for a rest, hopefully they’ll move on.”
He was right, hours later, just as a swarm of bees had moved into the bee keeper’s yard, the resident called to report that the bees had gone.
It is an uneventful story from the outside, but I was proud of myself, because by the time I left I was able to stand in the middle of a bee swarm and without flinching.
Next time I travel I want to do it in style. Granted I have learned much about myself but honestly I need another vacation from my vacation from my vacation, which points to home. I really love that home is going to be a vacation for a while and it will be nice to snuggle into my bed where only I exist and all of this will be a dream.
I have so many thoughts to pour out but they always seem to hide when it is time for me to get them out.
Faith and compromise have been the major themes to this adventure of mine. Actually it hasn’t been a proper adventure. The east coast of Australia is extremely overrated. Perhaps I think this because I’m not an 18 years old and I’m not even a backpacker at all. Sure all my stuff is carried from one place to the next in my backpack, but backpacking, truly, is far more hardcore than this. I’ve just been budget traveling… and I’m sick of it. I would have rather done it “flash packer” style with a rented car or camper van and definitely some nice hotels instead of hostels.
Back to faith and compromise:
It is nice to come across people who have restored my faith in, well, people. I have realized that I have become an extremely stubborn person. When I first got to Sydney I felt kind of strange with the thought that I can do whatever I want whenever I want to, but almost a year and a half later that behavior has become natural to me to the point that I really have no idea how to compromise. My first thought at any compromise is “I don’t have to compromise, because well not to many others I know do.” Honestly… I’m just speaking about men here. All my girls are as good as gold. But boys… my gosh… being an adult isn’t about just being proud that you’re doing what you want and proving to me with your actions that you aren’t going to give in to me. There are guys who actually try and try again… maybe because they know what they want and are so sound in themselves that the first ‘no’ or apprehension from me doesn’t shake their path to the goal. Or they actually want to hang out with me…. hhmmm I guess there are people who wouldn’t want to hang out with me… but I really would rather not think about that. This concept is new to me because I have no way of getting to my goals with guys, all my efforts seem to fail or provide little feedback so I abandon the mission.
This is just the first piece of ‘the idiots guide to me’ that I think I’ll post up here… because my verbal communication skills really don’t relay enough information about me. I can only tell when asked and if no one is asking and just assumes, they really won’t know me.
It is defiantly true that I will say ‘no’ to you at first, I just will if your idea is far off from the plan I have in my mind. That plan BTW isn’t concrete and I’m relearning that other people’s plans could produce highly desirable circumstances. I am just stubborn and need facts and perhaps a debate; I like debating, especially with a smile 🙂
All this goes out the window with disposable relationships though… they can’t last without huge compromises offering hopes on a word that may have no history of reliability and probably a lot of time in between… sigh…
I’m just bored with myself.
…as well as the inability to do a task that disresembles a typical “I really am working hard, really” look… I must just type a note to keep my emotions from flaring up behind my face. If such an event, which is on the verge of happening, does occur, it will take me at least an hour to find the correct emotional antidote that should put me back on track.
If I could access myspace from here, I must admit, boldly and with all my heart, possibly my soul, and maybe a lock of hair – just for kicks, that I would rather leave this blog type-a-thingy on that profile.
Saturday morning I am going to spin down a rabbit hole and see what sort of land I end up in. Seeing as I don’t have anyone to break my fall, I hope I don’t break any porceline people upon landing in wonderland. If I do, I k now I can glue them back together, but it would really break my stone cold heart to see their faces cracked for life.
I do have some expectations for myself along the way. I plan on meeting a walking pen, with whom I’ll exchange story ideas with and perhaps get some tips and pointers on writing styles. I must indeed fall in love on my journey…with whom? You might be asking…. I’m not really sure who is left to forcast. There has been the wise wizard, the horse rider, the archer, the Hindi drunkard, a few hobbits, and…a skunk…..none more worth noting. I fell in love with them all in someway, for some reason or another. Perhaps I’m in the mood to fall in love with a philosophical sun who has the ability to bottle the happiness in me and pour a drop or two into my mouth when i’m feeling down. Or maybe a moon with a teleporting cloak who can whisk me away to his palace high in the mountains where, when no one is awake, I can walk to the cliffs and ‘throw little things off, like car parts, bottles and cutlery, or what ever I find laying around’….and go through all that so I can feel safe up there with him.
I’ll need companions, of course. I think a clever mouse, a mermaid, an inventer, oh and slithering snake. I’ll be the sorceress, with an apprentice, definately.
The plan is to jump from the cliffs, dive in shipwrecks, and twirl in circles around the clouds, eat some mushrooms and bathe energizing sunshine… all while collecting gold coins along the way. I’ll be the warrior Princess… none of this Peach pansiness, I’ll battle the bad guys with my mind altering super powers and if in a bind, then my dark knight in shining armor will rescue me from the evil boss. My knight and I will then live happily ever after. The end.