Category Archives: Boredom

Post vacation stress disorder

Post vacation stress disorder

Oh it’s real.  I do pretty good the first few days as I get back into my routine.  Then somewhere around Wednesday evening it hits me.  I overspent on all that fun, now I have to live a bit more frugal to stay within budget for the enxt few weeks.  “It was worth it,” says one of the minds in my head.  “Yeah, but maybe we could have had a bit more self control.”  Silence ensues as I internalize my internal thoughts.  “Girls, girls!” I butt in.  “It just is what it is and it was worth it.”

Anyway, it exists, but at least it is less intense with each iteration because with life experience i’ve learned to smooth out my happy highs enough so that I don’t fall so hard on the way down.

It doesn’t help that I have a permanent job.  Well it does, because at least now I have a job to return to right away when I return from an adventure.  But two weeks vacation = slavery.  Seriously, who sets these salary prices anyway.  Supply and demand.  I know, I took a few econ classes.  But in the real world I don’t see it as a reason for how all prices clear.  Belief systems seem more of a culprit.  I’m off topic.  Back to PVSD.

I’ve been day dreaming a lot this week about what i would do if I could do anything I wanted and be free like on holiday.  It’s therapeutic, but as a dark side that doesn’t pair well with PVSD.  Because when I think of all the stuff I would do if I could do what ever I want to do, I just feel more blue because it is so far from reality.  Why do our minds genetically tease us with the possibly of other worlds colliding with ours?  My brain must be miswired, because this habit of thinking in no way has gotten me to the top of the success pile. If anything, it holds me back because all the time spent in another world, is time not spent understanding how this one actually works.

Self doubt, lack of ambition, and a complete undesire to try to accomplish anything more, PVSD.

I would want to accomplish more if any of the things I’ve accomplished actually got me somewhere.  Oh mother of glory I am a goal achieving hamster on a wheel rolling up hill next to Sisyphus.  At least I don’t have to push up rocks, so there is a bright side.  Someone is just watching while puffing a cigar saying, “Oh good, she’s almost done with that accomplishment, what meaningless goals shall we have her achieve once she’s done?” Trophies, pieces of paper, recognition, its all junk. junk. junk. junk. Meanless junk.  Just more junk to put on the wall and sort though in my closet.

I just want to sleep in. Every. Day. That makes me happy.

Commitment

Commitment

Commitment is one of those states of being that you are only aware of when it accompanies feeling stuck.  I don’t have a choice, this world will take away some big things I care about if I don’t conform.  No, I wouldn’t lose it all I would just trade one set of problems (slave to the system) for another (being homeless and poor).  Luckily I am smart and have a more comfortable stuck-state than many people, but still the cloud looms over me at times.

The bright side isn’t in some foreign country or with a different group of friends.  I’ve been there and I’ve met them.  I am still me no matter where I go or what I do.  I should be grateful for that fact that I have had the opportunity to encounter myself in such a vast variety of existence, but I feel a sense of normalcy about it because it is my life and it was me doing what made the most sense at the time.

So I’m finally here.  At that place where there is nothing to discover in my favorite things.  I have no choice but to live for the small excitements.  The little pieces I hadn’t noticed before.  The personalities I previously overlooked.  The benefits of ongoing love and attachments lingering down the same streets as usual.

I’ve been in a place similar to this many times when my dreams abandoned me because I accomplished them.  I asked similar questions like, “have I not aimed high enough?” “Could I have done more?”  The answers are never clear.  All I can do is make new dreams from the drive left over from the old dreams.  That means mapping out a road leading me right back where I am now.  All that work and emotion focusing on what I don’t have to get me what I want, only to get it and be right back here feeling empty.

But the goals are forming, soon they will be full fledged dreams pumping my heart so I can run in these circles all because the sun keeps rising and I enjoy my days to have a standard of comfort.  Off to work I go, I may as well rise through it…

Waiting for Prosperity

Waiting for Prosperity

Raquel sat waiting by the river for something positively exciting to happen to her. She’d had enough of the boring and miserable aspects of life. Death, loss, being broke, toxic relationships, career setbacks, etc. You name it, it’s happened. All these dark sides had shaken her confidence and belief in the attainment of dreams. She found herself going out less and not wanting to get involved in social activities because of the hidden costs associated with them. As she sat she reviewed all her naïve hopes from years past. “I was going to be great! I was going to put in the hard work necessary to make a grand living, gain respect and create my own small empire of wealth.” It distressed her to reflect on the situation in which those dreams evolved. Unfortunately, far from reality was that time of life. So small was the social circle and breadth of knowledge of how the world really operated, it was no wonder that she had once thought she could accomplish all that.

She in herself had changed too. When those dreams were stamped into her mission in life she had yet to experience her own joys of life outside the buffering childhood. The joys of solitude and general dislike for seemingly pointless and repetitive social cues were pivotal examples of how her own personality blocked her attainment of those dreams. Without at least a tolerance for politics how could she expect to navigate organizations in power or even encourage people to follow her should she wish to create her own environment? Some social constructs were fairly easy to navigate, however, those we generally found easy to everyone else as well making them less lucrative and/or just plain lazy.

In a way she was over those old dreams. After all, many of them had been accomplished so it was just a lingering few that refused to be fulfilled. Dropping the dreams was an option, but the feeling of “if I try just a little bit longer” always kept her coming back to them. The idea that she simply lacked new dreams was also toyed with. But her new found knowledge of the world shrunk her dreams to fit that realistic reality and thus new dreams were actually accomplished rather easy as they we both easily attainable with her current skills or simply dreamt up from a more practical mind.

All of which brought her to today, a place where she believed that simply waiting around for a lucky break into prosperity would do her more good than targeted action.

On the Emotions of Richness

On the Emotions of Richness

In school we are taught to do things for the sake of being good at things. That structure is difficult to break out of when the adult world only wants one to perform tasks for the sake of making a profit.  Only a luck few are paid for what they enjoy being good at.  The rest have to force themselves to fit into the shoes of a roles of the workforce.  Emotionally this can take a toll as it isn’t natural for us to be actors that many hours in the day.  Stress comes from not having enough self expression space.  We are all feeling it, yet we all have reason to push it aside for the sake of some gain.  Though if this is a the biggest stress, slaves in this society have it easy.  We can find a way to afford things.  No none of us planned to finance our lives with borrow funds and good will from others, but it is a necessity.

Only the rich can afford not to need people.  That is when you know you are truly rich, when you wake up and realize that you haven’t listened to anyone in months.  You haven’t watered your relational roots because you no longer need the fruits they bare.  It doesn’t just apply to monetary richness.  Richness-of-Self behaves the same way.  It is a natural moving on without even realizing that one is leaving something behind.

On Money

On Money

Greed.  That word, that sinful word.  It’s meaning is out of style, like the idea that college is the key to success.  Everyone knows it, yet people keep throwing money at it.  Appealing to a persons sense of greed is the best way to scam money out of them.  They know that greed is bad and their self flagulative instincts don’t want a lashing!

There is nothing wrong with wanting money.  It is the only tangible proof that I existed during all those hours of modern day slavery, modern day “show up and do what we tell you, or else!”  It is slavery, because I go through all of this in life to get by and then, at the end, I am faced with a green image of me in the mirror.   An image telling me that I shouldn’t have wanted this because now I am greedy.

It isn’t the afterlife that will haunt you.  Christians got it wrong, they want to ignore too much.  There is much more going on.  They want you to stay in the bubble of purity where you won’t feel the harshness since you will have done no so-called wrong.  Feel it, for is exists.  I have greed, I have hunger, I want more because I don’t have enough.  If I tried to hide it it would show up in some other way, probably on my hips.  If I had enough, and still wanted more, then the more negative connotation could apply, but, most people I know are not there, yet they are referred to as greedy.  This is a problem because they feel that they are asking for too much, yet they have not asked for enough because they fear being labeled as greedy.

Don’t be greedy, give!  Get our numbers high!

On feeling emotionally blocked

On feeling emotionally blocked

I’m blocked.  I can’t finish anything, I can’t hold on to excitement for anything for more than a few weeks (the new boyfriend as the only exception).  Maybe it is just him that I want to focus on and it just makes everything else seem so blah.

I have all these ideas in my free time but I keep getting interrupted by work, family, friends… my real life.  My dream world receives no steady fuel, just stark reality.  I have no hope for excitement arriving in the near future.  Real world goals are not easy.  They are not laid out on a neat syllabus with set milestones for results.  Moral causes are immediately rationalized away as life rolls over them.

I know too much.  I see the next step in everything I have enjoyed and I cannot get there in any of them:

Dancing – teach, make costumes, and travel

Fashion – have a clothing company

reading/writing – write stories

Education – PhD

Career – CPA

Music – learn more about it and put together good performance music

Photography/Videography – learn to put it all together

Travel – need a profitable plan

Yoga is the only place where I have no place else to move forward with.  I think that is the essence of Yoga though to move peacefully with it.  Knowing that in itself make me feel I am at a progressive pace with it.

There is something about the next step in all that I listed above that shuts me down and makes me feel lazy.  It is too hard and I don’t trust myself to have the stamina to follow through.  In some areas I feel I need more education, like a fashion degree, to get me immersed in the culture of things.  But I have taken so so many classes and have a hard time showing up to all of them.  I feel compelled to rebel against the system in place and must gather my freedom.

In many ways I would only be taking a next step for myself with my own money.  That was a down fall of the CPA exam part II failure.  I had no one to be accountable to except myself and I was willing to waste more money on the task just to test my ability to focus. Sigh.  Honestly I don’t even like accounting.  It drains me but pays my bills, so getting my CPA is a difficult task because the subject is just like work and I can’t focus on that stuff for so much of my day.

I need to play.  That need counters my need for goals and productive routines.  I need to play.  It comes down to productive play… Maybe I’ll just let it all go and keep playing for the sake of playing.  Eventually I’ll get over my need to be productive in my free time.  I just wish that work didn’t suck up so much of my productivity and drive.  It could go two ways: 1) just accept it and put more energy into work, or 2) Keep stressing myself out and battling myself in my free time.

I don’t see a clear way out while I’m enslaved to my bills.  6 more months of debt to go.  I just need to remember to make life as awesome as possible in the mean time. Which in itself is another difficult task to add to my list.

On the known world

On the known world

I knowingly bought a ticket to the known world.  The place where all the pieces are planned and mapped out.  Where life doesn’t just happen to you.  Where most attempts to find vibrant life end with a mediocre thought of “at least I tried”.  But I bought the ticket anyway because it is a place where I knew I could sit back, feel normal, and make sense of what I’d been through.  Now that I’ve recuperated internally I’m looking out and I can’t help but struggle with my decision.  I look back and wonder what could have been done differently in all the wildness.  I guess the unrealized sense of a piece of life being over has now become fully realized.  In efforts to create a new plan it makes sense to look back and list out all the dislikes in order to make better decisions for the next round.  This time around, part of me didn’t realize it was over.  Part of me is ready to go, part of me wants to stay, and most of me can’t afford to leave.  All in all, it is good that I stepped on the train, because the known world is good for people who don’t know what to do next yet.

Fuel for the Dream World

Fuel for the Dream World

There are so many things that I won’t do again because I’ve learned that they aren’t for me or that specific types of situations really aren’t going to get me the results I would want.  But the beautiful part about it all is that I can just live it in my imagination, where, if I don’t like the outcome, I can ponder up an alternative or two or three all while sitting at my desk at work, taking in even more fuel for my dream world.

Not Being Able to Manifest the Fun

Not Being Able to Manifest the Fun

Lately I’ve been getting really excited about my plans, then walking away from the event feeling rather, well, bored or let down or like I just wasted my time or wasted someone else’s time. I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m excited to get out and do things, but I just don’t seem to have as much fun being out as I do when I’m home doing my own thing (practicing the drum, working on dance moves, reading, listening to songs over and over and over again). I don’t feel closed off, like I’m totally willing to be talkative, but I guess there really isn’t much going on that I can expressively share aside from the usual routine of school and work.

The problem is that I don’t have anyone to dance and play the drum with: those two things are literally all I want to do. I can’t even imagine having someone to dance and play the drum with. Like I’m not even sure I would enjoy that because when we’re not dancing and playing the drum I’d have to entertain them (they’d be house guests obviously) so then I couldn’t just naturally move from one activity to another without running a plan by the person. My free time is either doing what someone else wants to do or doing what I want to do… I have a hard time compromising because another person’s presence takes up space in my brain and diminishes the enjoyment of my usual alone time routine because I start feeling guilty that I should be doing more to entertain them. Which usually leaves me feeling even worse because I’m not very good at entertaining people who can’t entertain themselves.

I’m tired of feeling bad after situations that were meant to make me feel happy. Like those people who talk really big about cool plans, but never actually implement them, or if they finally do, it isn’t until way after my excitement over the idea has dissipated.
Or even worse, feeling bad because I realize the happiness was only a momentary disillusionment from reality….like “Damn it, there are other things to consider, and those other things really bring the whole idea down.”

Sigh… everything has this filter over it today. Aside from my school project (my abilities there left me confident and pleasantly surprised) the rest of the outside world just isn’t doing it for me. I finally step out of my bubble and end up seeing no point in being there.

Boredom

Boredom

It is 3am and I’m wide awake because I passed out at 7 or 8 when I got home from drinking. I’ve been laying in bed 1) thinking about how comfortable it is and 2) wondering what actually excites me in life. There are so many things I do that really are only interesting because they get me moving and out of my room. But do I actually enjoy it? that is a very different question, usually my response is, “I had a good time,” which is true but most of the time my head is still in another place or wishes to be for some reason.

It is that feeling of being 100% absorbed in something that I actually crave; that is difficult to obtain with other people around. Often I think that the people I’m hanging out with would enjoy themselves more if they were hanging out with someone else who is more entertaining. Maybe I’m just bored with myself sometimes so I assume others must be as well. Actually it is really a compatibility issue because more overtly social individuals need to be entertained to have a good time. They also need you to be over the top in explaining situations you enjoyed otherwise they don’t see the fun in it and respond with suspicion.

I think it is my knowledge of these overly social types that makes me wonder if I could have had a better time. I just see how other people “enjoy” situations more than I did and I wonder what I missed. But it isn’t that I didn’t have a good time, it is just that I didn’t have a good enough time. I think someone would have enjoyed themselves more with different company because I am not always that interested in social activities unless I’m extremely interested in hanging out with the parties involved.

I’m rather apathetic towards most people, like always have one foot on the ground and take it all with a grain of salt. I just don’t really want to be connected to anyone (aside from family) any more than I already are. Some sort of freedom from being defined by my friends. I don’t really know what to do about it, or if anything needs doing. School is good because it gives me a reason to hang out with people and a base for something to talk about.

The worst is feeling alone when people are around, because when I feel alone, I want to go be alone and that is often difficult when someone is relying on you to maintain your attention to the fact that they are there with you in the moment. Like if driving in the car and the other person wants to talk and I’m just zoned out, then I have to deal with the other person not being satisfied with my entertainment skills, when I really would rather be relaxing somewhere or practicing a new dance move in my room.

The problem with relationships is that I usually wonder why the person is hanging out with me and I usually don’t have a very good answer to that question. Just killing time, I guess, with something to do and someone to do something with. I think I’m just lacking adventurous excitement and the feelings involved. It all comes back to me being immobilized until I finish school. It is a personal choice and these are just the side effects of that choice that I must bear to accomplish my goal. I’m almost a year in and I have a year left, so it should go by fast. I have a lot of things to look forward to this summer. That dance workshop in July up in LA, getting these summer school classes out of the way, so the future doesn’t seem so grim, neither really does the present. There is just some left over dread from the past in dealing with people that comes up after certain interactions that makes me feel unsure of myself, but in so many other ways, I’m fine. I just wish I could go back to sleep.