Oh it’s real. I do pretty good the first few days as I get back into my routine. Then somewhere around Wednesday evening it hits me. I overspent on all that fun, now I have to live a bit more frugal to stay within budget for the enxt few weeks. “It was worth it,” says one of the minds in my head. “Yeah, but maybe we could have had a bit more self control.” Silence ensues as I internalize my internal thoughts. “Girls, girls!” I butt in. “It just is what it is and it was worth it.”
Anyway, it exists, but at least it is less intense with each iteration because with life experience i’ve learned to smooth out my happy highs enough so that I don’t fall so hard on the way down.
It doesn’t help that I have a permanent job. Well it does, because at least now I have a job to return to right away when I return from an adventure. But two weeks vacation = slavery. Seriously, who sets these salary prices anyway. Supply and demand. I know, I took a few econ classes. But in the real world I don’t see it as a reason for how all prices clear. Belief systems seem more of a culprit. I’m off topic. Back to PVSD.
I’ve been day dreaming a lot this week about what i would do if I could do anything I wanted and be free like on holiday. It’s therapeutic, but as a dark side that doesn’t pair well with PVSD. Because when I think of all the stuff I would do if I could do what ever I want to do, I just feel more blue because it is so far from reality. Why do our minds genetically tease us with the possibly of other worlds colliding with ours? My brain must be miswired, because this habit of thinking in no way has gotten me to the top of the success pile. If anything, it holds me back because all the time spent in another world, is time not spent understanding how this one actually works.
Self doubt, lack of ambition, and a complete undesire to try to accomplish anything more, PVSD.
I would want to accomplish more if any of the things I’ve accomplished actually got me somewhere. Oh mother of glory I am a goal achieving hamster on a wheel rolling up hill next to Sisyphus. At least I don’t have to push up rocks, so there is a bright side. Someone is just watching while puffing a cigar saying, “Oh good, she’s almost done with that accomplishment, what meaningless goals shall we have her achieve once she’s done?” Trophies, pieces of paper, recognition, its all junk. junk. junk. junk. Meanless junk. Just more junk to put on the wall and sort though in my closet.
I just want to sleep in. Every. Day. That makes me happy.