Category Archives: Conflict

Playing an Undesireable Social Role

Playing an Undesireable Social Role

The thing about spending enormous amounts of time alone is that you get to see first hand human socialization habits, as just that, habits, well more than just habits…. More like a series of pointless, often useless, and emotionally draining habits. Okay, okay, I won’t completely drag it down here; many of them are indeed fulfilling, useful, and personally rewarding. But unfortunately we have just been exposed to them and when we, for some reason, didn’t pull off the habit as well as others, we have spent an enormous amount of time trying and retrying to get them right and “fit in.”

This means we continually subject ourselves to other people for the purpose of fitting in to some sort of club only because at one point we thought we weren’t quite good enough to get into but we wanted to get in. In reality, we were in the club, just not the role we wanted for ourselves.

Our role was to be the person who never got it right, no matter what we did because once we got it right, the rules changed to keep us as the people in the club that the other members could talk about behind our back and use us as a conversational past time to avoid confronting themselves and their own ridiculous ways. Now once you’ve been in the club for a while you realize you aren’t the only one who is in this role, there are others in your same class of people who are never allowed to get things right.

Some of us may chose to ignore what I believe are negative aspects of this role and just accept the role in the club you have been given because deep down you need these people to make you feel at ease inside yourself (for reasons undiscovered thus far by me), regardless of how often you notice insiders casting quick smirking glances between each other when your sense of expressing yourself confirms something they noticed in a prior confidence.

Now all this depends upon the context of why these people keep inviting you around. There are plenty of times I am willing and able to make fun of myself and allow others to do so, but the difference is I want to be in that role.

Drama

Drama

There are some situations in which individuals seek to experience what they have perceived actually happens to other people whose lives are more exciting than their own. The lack of naturalism causes the situation to skew, leaving people to scurry around like headless chickens when the outcome didn’t happen as they had anticipated. Aside from their egotistical attempts to not have to admit that they have messed up, they limpidly continue on the same course, boldly holding strong that, yes, they have made and are making the best decision for themselves.

They go to great lengths to keep their coolly confident composure by finding personal cheerleaders to use as friends because they offer “support” that is needed. People in these “not natural” situations cannot do it alone because they didn’t get the original idea from themselves, therefore at some point they will latch onto someone, anyone, who makes them feel better about what they lost in an attempt to be like someone else.

A Major Problem with the Perception of Equal Rights Between Men and Women

A Major Problem with the Perception of Equal Rights Between Men and Women

Some men think that equal rights means that women should be treated as if they actually do think, understand, and process like men do.

I realize you are not a girl with a ‘package’…. so please don’t treat me like a guy with a vagina.

Push/Pull or Pull/Push

Push/Pull or Pull/Push

There is one behavior that I do that is really starting to drive me nuts, perhaps because I can neither figure out exactly where it came from, how long I have been doing it, nor what triggers it.

I have bits and pieces of data I’ve analyzed but I just don’t think it is enough to put the behavior in any specific category where it can be modified it and turned into something fruitful. On top of that, I am not even sure if other people notice it, if they don’t then…. i shouldn’t mind continuing to do it…. but i think people do notice it, or at least feel it.

It depends on the other party’s sensitivity and willingness to actually call others on what they are sensitive to. Without direct feedback I am left to analyze merely possible reactions to my behavior, which, in turn, drives me into a deep confusion because for a moment I forecast the idea that the reaction I got was actually directly related to my action,

then pause,

there are more possibilities, after all, peoples lives are really complicated with scattered experience so who knows, who knows if my behavior has anything to do with their reaction. After all they would tell me wouldn’t they? They do know what they are doing, don’t they?

No, no, think of all those gossip girls who never told the outcast why they would agree to let her join the group and then fill out and submit the list of chosen ones, omitting her name before she could come by and take you up on your promise. If she was pushy or not, you agreed to it, right? Can I believe you this time like I used to be able to?

So in my experience and education, people don’t tell others why they are pushing them away, they simply act as if they aren’t and then they do…. leaving me to wonder what the hell I did. Was I annoying? did I put them off or cancel too often? did I not answer the phone or take too long to get back to them? Did I cancel on too many times? Did I? Did I? Did I?

This is when the details get fuzzy (you’re thinking, “i thought it was already fuzzy,” but oh no my friend there is more to my confusion over human relations). I think I learned this behavior a long time ago and although I do know and have seen what it does to other people, I have found myself doing it to others on various levels of severity without giving it much notice or forethought, sometimes playfully over a poker game (it can be funny an taken as sarcastic – assuming my sarcasm is understood) but I can’t find that fine, perfect line where I am free to be me without causing injury, or at least feeling as though I have.

The fuzzy continues… push/pull and pull/push have to link at least two behaviors. There are many times that I pull and I pull and I pull and I pull, then a push behavior is thrown in. Perhaps in defense, perhaps for some other reason, but I don’t know what to do when, after all that pulling, the push seems to have undone all of my work. Undoing my work is like punishment, have I done it to myself or has it been done to me?

Complaining

Complaining

I’m not sure if I am the only one who makes up definitions for things based on my own experience, but I could have sworn that the definition of ‘complaining’ was something like this:

Complain (Come-Plain) : Repeatedly expressing a grievance over an event or situation that one does not admit (to oneself or others) is under one’s control, but that which one chooses to continue to bitch about for the sake of having something to bitch about, instead of solving the underlying problem or keeping it to oneself so as to save others the problem of having to listen to one’s problems. – from the Dictionary of Me, as a result of an interpretation from the Dictionary of Ex Boyfriend, the Ditcher.

So I was confused when I looked up the actual definition on dictionary.com and it read as follows:

com·plain (kəm-plān’) Pronunciation Key
intr.v. com·plained, com·plain·ing, com·plains

1. To express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment.
2. To make a formal accusation or bring a formal charge.

So what the hell is wrong with complaining? Why do people get so pissed off when people complain to them? Under my definition I can see why people would get pissed off, because the complainer just wants something to bitch about and wants no responsibility for their involvement in the issue. I think this one niche of complaining is a cause of the negative stigma surrounding the word. However, the definition in no way implies the sickness people attach to it.

No wonder people tell me (with an tone of discontent) that I’m complaining when I mention something that maybe perceived negative. In my mind I’m not “complaining” in my own negative sense of the word, I’m just mentioning that I’ve gotten a scratchy throat the past 3 winters and don’t know why, or that there is a strange rattle under the hood of my car, etc. etc. I have simply made a statement as to what is on my mind at the moment. And I see it as just that.

The problem here, in my mind, is that I’ve met people along the way who have these ideas about relationships (any kind – BF/GF, friends, etc.) always having to have happy moments and anything negative is either avoided, put down, or quickly swept under the rug with hopes that it will be forgotten. To keep their demons under the rug one then has to guard oneself against any attempts to lift the rug and thus gets angry at people for mentioning grievances in the relationship because it exposes the inner demons.

“Why are you complaining? I treat you good.” (Example contributed courtesy of Miguel of Oz)

It isn’t about the fact that someone is complaining, it is about the fact that they are telling you what they are habitually mulling over in their minds. It may be something that can be compromised upon with proper communication or it may be something that someone just needs to hear themselves say to an outside party to stop the thought from bouncing off the inside of their skull. What one does with the information after a complaint has been lodged is another note, but in the least, be grateful for those people who see you as someone they are safe to express themselves to (both positively and negatively) and vice versa, these people are your real friends.

Flakes and Blessings in Disguise

Flakes and Blessings in Disguise

“No doubt it is a beautiful harmony when doing and saying go together, and I do not want to deny that words are of greater authority and efficacy when actions follow.” – De Montaigne

(Have I used this quote before? I’m not sure…. It is one of my favorites, so I wouldn’t be surprised)

I love sudden realizations, especially ones that indicate where I’ve wasted time and energy or where I realize that I’ve made the right decision for myself. I am therefore freed of placing myself in that situation and blindly reacting to it again… or so I feel. One area that I noticed I was wrong and plain stupid was continuing to rely on a flake; not a corn flake, or frosted flake, or snow flake, but a human flake… one who makes promises and doesn’t intend to keep them or doesn’t even remember making them, and to my surprise many many times, doesn’t keep them.

At first I was angry that the promises, even simple ones weren’t being kept, but it wasn’t until way after the flake flaked out on me for the last time that I have come to terms with myself that I was the stupid one for not eradicating the flake out of my life long ago. I’ve known my actions had something to do with the ultimate flake-out, but I didn’t realize it was in my initial choice of a mate where I had drastically failed. I gave the flake more chances than any rational person would have, why? well, honestly, I saw so many other things that he did that were wonderful, but they honestly weren’t enough to hold it all together. Flaking out on one too many BIG things in someone else’s life definitely doesn’t win anyone a spot in the hall of fame no matter how many cool superficial activities one has done in the name of whoever.

So recently, after venting some pent up frustration over petty and childish incidents and instead of trying to figure out where I went wrong with specifics, I simply zoomed out and saw the flake for who he really is and how my not being strong enough to stand up for myself years ago has contributed to me wasting a lot of time and pointless heart ache on someone who I actually didn’t have the connection to that I had blindly thought I had. I cried for all the wrong reasons! How embarrassing is that?

As for him, any girl can have him, I’m not even going to pretend to care or ever be jealous of someone who simply inherited a flake from me and my dreams happen regardless of who I hold them to. So I’m free to live my life flake-free and be the coolest person the flake will forever miss out on, with friends I can count on, who enjoy my crazy antics and emotions and don’t mind going out of their way for me if I need their help.

So next time a flake tries to flake out of your life… let them go and move on to a non-flake who is hotter and not only better in bed, but doesn’t make you wait for the weekend to prove it to you.