Yesterday I faced myself as a loser, today I’ve accepted that I’m actually not very smart. When I go at my own pace and can sort through dilemmas and problems in my own logical order, I make good decisions. Toss in time constraints and add some pressure and my decision making skills leave me flat on my ass.
The heat suddenly turned up and I started seeing a mirage. The devil showed me an image of everything I ever wanted and by pointing myself toward his smoke and mirrors, I shot myself in the foot.
The devil is gone and with him went the perfectly good opportunity I tricked myself into not wanting. So I sit here no further along in my search than when I started just more bored and pissed at my situation.
Yes there are things to do and ways to pass time and keep busy. But after a few credentials I’ve realized that there is no golden ticket. All my work has gotten me no where more than to a place where I still make bad decisions under pressure.
I knowingly bought a ticket to the known world. The place where all the pieces are planned and mapped out. Where life doesn’t just happen to you. Where most attempts to find vibrant life end with a mediocre thought of “at least I tried”. But I bought the ticket anyway because it is a place where I knew I could sit back, feel normal, and make sense of what I’d been through. Now that I’ve recuperated internally I’m looking out and I can’t help but struggle with my decision. I look back and wonder what could have been done differently in all the wildness. I guess the unrealized sense of a piece of life being over has now become fully realized. In efforts to create a new plan it makes sense to look back and list out all the dislikes in order to make better decisions for the next round. This time around, part of me didn’t realize it was over. Part of me is ready to go, part of me wants to stay, and most of me can’t afford to leave. All in all, it is good that I stepped on the train, because the known world is good for people who don’t know what to do next yet.
I once had a close friend whose method of disconnecting from things, eras in life, and people was much different than my own. He would put a lot of time and energy into building something awesome, then enjoy the fruits of his labor for years, only to one day kick it to the curb calling it a worthless piece of junk.
Nothing he called “junk” was junk at all. He simply couldn’t see how to bring the object, habit, or person into his next phase of life with him. Since he couldn’t form a plan to mix the old with the new, he automatically thought that the old must be gotten rid of. Labeling it as worthless was the only way he knew how to depart from it.
The gap in his reasoning evolved from his belief that by that point in his life he should know how to handle life. To save face from not knowing that more options for dealing with the situation existed, his ego assumed that his default method of departure was the only way to handle it.
Respectfully departing would involve feelings of loss, disappointment, evaluations of love, and many other emotions that, in order to save face, he had a strong urge to hide. These, more positive, goodbye emotions were replaced with disrespect. In justification for his actions, he pushed aside the good aspects to focus on the few things he felt resentful for. Since objects and people are never perfect, flaws pointed out can hold a lot of weight, especially when other people feel as if the flaws are the result of some sort of personal failure.
If something is junk, well then obviously someone wouldn’t think twice about getting rid of it. But a pattern of calling once-cherished things junk just to avoid facing the loss…is, well, sad. But people do what they do and it picking up the pieces gives them more things to do.
With many things, except money, I often do not dread the worst-case scenario the most. I dread the mediocre scenario. This is because if the worst-case happens, I am pretty damn sure that I will not go do it again. I will rationalize all sorts of reasons for why that particular “worst” is definitely not going to enter into my paradigm ever again, and I will build coping mechanisms (i.e. habits) that ward against these defined “worsts”.
But after having gone through a mediocre scenario, the passion derived from the “worst” escapes me. I have no real reason to repeat and no real reason not to repeat.
It is like a bad date, I know I will never see and/or date the guy again because of the disastrous events and feelings associated with the date, but at least I have a funny, drama filled story to tell. But a mediocre date, oh god, I could be doomed to repeat the same vanilla over and over in my efforts to force some value or at least a tickle of a feeling of excitement. But that is just one example.
The point is not to avoid the mediocre, it is to know what mediocre means and to learn from it sooner, rather than later. Identifying the mediocre makes the exciting shine.
Expectations can be rather confusing once one asks: where do they come from? Ideas. Sometimes created by you, other times from external sources. To try to never expect something from someone or a certain situation is rather difficult, for example, when some one asks me to participate in something, I am naturally going to inquire about the details of the situation. From there I formulate an expectation of what I am getting myself into for preparation purposes. Sometimes I am happy with the outcome, sometimes I am not…it is difficult to figure out exactly why.
Some people are more accurate in projecting my level of enjoyment in events, other people (I have learned through trial and too much error) to just never join them. That’s why I am trying new things: to see if I like it or not.
Sometimes I don’t realize that I’ve been trying new things again. New things just pop up and lately happen to randomly happen within a small amount of time. I don’t realize until after the fact that I have tried three new things and the reason I’m confused over my experiences of them is that I happen to try three new things in a row that I didn’t enjoy very much. I didn’t really realize the trend I was on. So, essentially, I need to keep trying new things until I find some new things that do leave me feeling cheery. I have this habit of sticking to the plan, and sometimes when the plan doesn’t happen, I only make it worse by trying to figure out why the plan didn’t happen. When in reality, there was no plan, just an idea that would have been better to take with a teaspoon of salt.
Some “mistakes” are continuously and consciously made because people know that they can clean up the mess it makes later. It is a method to maintain control over the outcome of a situation. If others are given more responsibility over the situation, it is more difficult to come in later and set things to one’s own desired outcome. Since society revers mistakes as undesirable and avoidable events, purposely making mistakes can put one at an advantage because the outside world will perceive the action as a traditional “mistake” and thus enact behaviors associated with dealing with someone who made a “mistake.” When in reality, the mistake-maker really was just knowledge that people would react that way and use the situation to get what he wants without being called a jerk.
I think everyone needs to come to terms with the fact that lying is a rather useful tool that humans quite naturally use to assist themselves in navigating their social existence. Anyone who does not lie because they “believe” it is wrong, obviously has not thought about all aspects of lying and what it entails.
First of all, making lying WRONG, really does not discourage it at all because the rebelliousness in us causes us to lie just because we are told not to… and then go brag to our friends about how we pulled one over on so and so.
Also, categorizing a person who does not lie as some sort of saint in no way indicates that person is better than anyone else, they just follow rules which society has indicated should be followed.
What really needs to be considered are the reasons people have for choosing to lie or not. Understanding these personal boundaries about people will help you understand when a person is actually trustworthy.
Here is why I choose not to lie:
-It is easier to remember the truth
-I do not want to deal with the repercussions of getting caught in a lie
-It is often illegal and thus could cost me and people I associate with a lot more than if I just told the truth
-I know I can’t keep lies straight, I’ve tried, the more time that goes by the more I forget what I made up…. but i do remember what actually did happen.
-I hate having to go out of my way to clean up unnecessary social messes
Here is why I choose to lie:
-The truth is none of your business
-I am required to keep something a secret, including that the secret exists…. so if you ask about it, I lie so you are not let on that I know that there is a secret.
-It is funny to find out actually how gullible people can be
-I know you are a gossip and that you will tell people what I say, so I tell you what I want everyone else to know…. he he he, plus I think it is funny that you so eagerly propagate lies….. oh oh oh and it is funny to tell the person you gossiped to the truth when they ask me about it.
-Duh, I am hiding something
-I do not want to deal with someone getting their feelings hurt about a situation that really has nothing to do with their everyday life.
So basing your assessment of a person on whether or not they believe lying is wrong or right really tells you nothing about the person. If my reasons for lying scare you, then we are not compatible, I am fine with that. Though, I have a feeling that I am definitely not the only one with a list this long of reasons why I lie…. I’m just one of the rare ones to honestly give myself away….