In my latest lull, I flashed through my book of stars at light speed, taking note of how neatly organized the constellations finally looked as I blew by. Along the way, I danced a few steps along the edges of the brightest shapes and I couldn’t help but to try in vain, just once more, to grasp the bulbs that have been burning bright for perhaps too long. All that I loved but sadly lost and hated but was forced to find still radiate despite my efforts to smolder them with crushing fingers over my palms. Panic is my only savior. With panic at my side I am at once reminded not to linger too long in memory’s gaze, not to soak up all that I can neither touch again nor fix. With Panic I become bold and brave enough to turn away from Passion’s siren call. But Panic is fleeting, he is only there to pull me away, back into the safety of the orderly world. And there I always end up, stranded in the emptiness of his departure, half happy to have gotten out with my emotions intact, half tempted to go back and somehow recreate all those moments of the past where I really felt alive.
So I have learned… but in a different way. It is no longer about the basics, it is about how all the layers and remembrances come together to make all the cogs and pulleys of my current situation roll together to keep the machine of life running smooth enough to enjoy every minute of it. For a while there it was difficult to know what from the past I would need to utilize going forward, but once the pieces fell into place, suddenly it all seemed so clear. Clear enough that I am confident that I can coast along in my boat knowing that I will reap rewards once I arrive at my next cross road.
I need cross roads, perhaps more often than other people do. They make me feel alive because of all the different emotions and experiences that drive and challenge me towards completion of goals. I am forced to create goals by my drive to constantly having something to look forward to.
I once had a close friend whose method of disconnecting from things, eras in life, and people was much different than my own. He would put a lot of time and energy into building something awesome, then enjoy the fruits of his labor for years, only to one day kick it to the curb calling it a worthless piece of junk.
Nothing he called “junk” was junk at all. He simply couldn’t see how to bring the object, habit, or person into his next phase of life with him. Since he couldn’t form a plan to mix the old with the new, he automatically thought that the old must be gotten rid of. Labeling it as worthless was the only way he knew how to depart from it.
The gap in his reasoning evolved from his belief that by that point in his life he should know how to handle life. To save face from not knowing that more options for dealing with the situation existed, his ego assumed that his default method of departure was the only way to handle it.
Respectfully departing would involve feelings of loss, disappointment, evaluations of love, and many other emotions that, in order to save face, he had a strong urge to hide. These, more positive, goodbye emotions were replaced with disrespect. In justification for his actions, he pushed aside the good aspects to focus on the few things he felt resentful for. Since objects and people are never perfect, flaws pointed out can hold a lot of weight, especially when other people feel as if the flaws are the result of some sort of personal failure.
If something is junk, well then obviously someone wouldn’t think twice about getting rid of it. But a pattern of calling once-cherished things junk just to avoid facing the loss…is, well, sad. But people do what they do and it picking up the pieces gives them more things to do.
Often when I come across someone who holds a place in my mind, a whole wealth of memories flood into my mind screen. They just keep flashing and reminding me of all the different attitudes towards the person I have taken. I imagine the same thing about me is going off in their head. Suddenly I find that the conversation has overtones of previously unspoken attitudes. “Does he really realize that I didn’t like him?” I ask myself because all of a sudden the topics of choice all have a common theme. We are all of a sudden talking about people we’ve come across lately that we didn’t like. “Odd how the conversation went in this direction,” I continue thinking to myself, feeling a little exposed. It continues to the point where we discover how we actually have the same reasoning and methodology for not liking general people. I find it strange talking to people I don’t like about people I don’t like. It is kind of a mind trip, but the situation goes on and now we have actually found something in common. The confusion sets in because now, I have something in common with a person I don’t like… does that mean that I kinda do like his personality after all? I don’t know, but I’m definitely intrigued.
I have recently come across a few beliefs of mine that I have discovered to be false. Meaning something about life which I believed to be true isn’t and/or something about life I believed to be untrue actually is true. Also, I have come across something which I knew to be true, but didn’t want to believe it was true, so I assumed it couldn’t be true and tried to act upon principals which were erroneous in the end because it indeed is true. or so I have learned.
Often I disregard a harsh reality because the harshness is exposed only in infrequent and inconsequential instances. Meaning that I can continue on for quite a long time with a certain intuitive itch left unscratched because the situation has not grown to a large enough proportion to initiate action on my part. Then, the clouds part, I look to the sky with my hands up, and say “I knew it all along.”
Yes I am still learning, many things. At no point in life can I say that everything I have been learning has been learned and that I can start out fresh with a new set of things to learn. The more experience I accumulate, the more I manipulate them together in my tool box for use in current affairs. Which bothers me because some situations cannot be forgotten because of their shinning characteristics which will most definitely come in handy later, if not for myself specifically, but for someone else seeking help.
Breaks from past times (school, work, social network, etc.) have an odd way of letting me finally come to terms with many facts that were swirling around in my brain for a long time. I could hypothesize about the timing of these ideas coming together in my mind with a typical “Why now? why not then?” hands in the air type of thing but Timing will have to be saved for another Note.
What gets me is how reality sets in once I look back on situations that I am no longer facing everyday or often. I see how the regurgitation and reprocessing of thoughts definitely causes me to trim the edges of my emotion spectrum, meaning, (in the extreme) if hate and love are at two ends of one spectrum, in time I both hate and love less due to a lack of renewal of once obtained stimulus in the present. With everything relying solely on my past interpretations of thoughts, (which, I am only bringing into the present out of my own need and necessity to reorganize them) the intensity of life in those past situations has no additional fuel from which to burn and thus the fire dwindles. I understand this in myself, I understand my own rates of emotional expansion and contraction because my mind is most certainly at their mercy.
What I don’t understand is other people’s understanding of what has been going on.
The problem with people is that they live on in our psyche and an image of them haunts our natural contemplation over life. Good or Bad, thinking about a person and continuing to react to that person when they are not around is quite creepy to me- now that I think more about it. Because I don’t know who I am to some people, I have no idea where they formed this method of reacting to me but sometimes I wonder if they are reacting to who I am or an image of me that they created in their heads while channel surfing. It is strange that we are all adults but many people cannot responsibly behave and communicate to each other what problems are. Most basic relationship problems are only bad if you make them bad.
I can only hypothesize that this happens because people are not taught to actually identify and solve problems. If one is unable to see how their own behavior contributes to a negative feeling and/or denies their responsibility in the matter then you have…. you have…. you have drama. Exactly the same shit you watch on TV only now, you can live the high life and experience that life for yourself because you are complacent enough to let your real life suffer for the sake of being able to tell your drama-addict friends, “Hey, that same stuff that happened on TV happened to me.”
So not only do people thrive off not solving problems to create more drama, to make it worse, people do no know that they do no know how to solve problems. They don’t see their behavior as a problem because part of drama formation is to be totally confident in one’s own rationale and finally let the person know in an intense arena with an audience as opposed to a more personal atmosphere…essentially they think that the way they saw a similar problem handled on TV is how they should handle this problem in their real lives. Not only do people let others continue to do annoying things…they invite them to do it and keep tabs…. I understand evidence needs to be gathered, of course, but within a justifiable time frame.
Once the tab is big enough, they see it as a time to throw down the gauntlet…. This isn’t problem solving my friends, and it isn’t honest friendship either, this is a manipulative power maneuver. Once that gauntlet gets thrown over an accumulation of past situations specifically where it is way, way obvious that you invited or pushed for a certain reaction out of me……then all I can say is that I’m not going to play this game anymore.
I might just be a more emotional person, or perhaps I just notice my emotions more than others, not sure which since it seems impossible to really feel what others are feeling. There are many times when I just have the right words to express myself, but sometimes, sometimes I feel something building up and I react to it despite the fact that I don’t know what is causing it or why I am reacting to whatever it is. At this point it is extremely irrational because my conscious mind is reacting to a feeling that hangs over me like a cloud and is unable to see the cloud for what it is.
Traumatic situations cause this for me due to confusion and over analysis of what the hell just happened and, for the most part, time (often a lot of time) gives gradual clarity on the situation perhaps this is so because at least the source (the traumatic event) is identified. So this isn’t the type of situation I am speaking of, it is related, yes, but I’m focusing on undiagnosed feelings that bubble up in the course of everyday normal life events. I am also not speaking of ‘worry.’ Worrying implied that one knows what they are worried about and why they are worried about it. ‘Choosing to worry’ would be a different topic as well because choosing also implies one knows the object of the worry and uses a worry-cycle as some sort of means to an end or crutch in order to inhibit more productive and positive behaviors…this would in turn be, once again, another note that would go into detail of what purpose worrying has in life but I really don’t want to face that reality at the moment…. I have something more important to plop onto facebook for the time being.
I want to say it is anxiety, but I feel the term is used to write off feelings as simply “anxiety’ and thus pacifies people into believing that it is a feeling that they will just have to put up with. I don’t believe that is the correct approach, or, just not my way of approaching it.
This heavy feeling comes of many forms. the most recent that brought my thoughts together was when I was hanging out with a friend and I was kinda overwhelmed with some sort of heavy feeling that made it difficult to focus properly on the present moment and what was going on around me. Half of me could live in the present for the sake of survival, while the other half inside was wanting to step away from the social scene to organize my inner thoughts, which, weren’t thoughts at all, it was a heavy mental feeling disconnected from an particular event or issue going on in my life at the moment, or so I felt at the time, but it held me back from simply being myself in the moment and enjoying my company.
Then, like a flash of light, the heavy feeling is gone, why? How? I was simply able to express it with words and thus diagnose where the root of the feeling was. Once diagnosed it no longer bothered me on a emotional level. It turned into a rational, arguable circumstance, one in which I now understand where I have power over it and where I don’t. This understanding makes all the difference in how the feeling affects me and once in words, I can express it to my fellow bipeds and view it from a more detached, unemotionally reactive state. I am therefore able to recognize the feeling in the future and manage its effects on me (subconsciously to a degree) without going through that initial fuzzy state of confusion.
I learn about myself as a result.
I was just brutally awakened 30 some odd minutes ago (at 3:30ish) by the most horrid feeling of biting my own tongue, sure it happens once in a while but not usually while I’m sleeping and dreaming. I woke up in such a panic that I had to check and make sure I didn’t bite part of it off. All that pain and it didn’t even bleed… so unable to go back to sleep I have hopped on this here clicking-ticking modern-day do-hickey machine in an attempt to bore myself back to a sleeping state.
After my panic subsided, I lay awake trying not to think of anything too attention grabbing… of course I failed because my thoughts flowed to a chain of a few events that prove to me that some things never change.
The best example that I can come up with is this:
Imagine a kid whose mom is making… lets say… brownies. The mom is really busy making other things as well and the kid, lead by the smell of food, wanders in to the kitchen from whatever had been distracting him and asks nicely and sweetly if he can eat a spoonful of brownie batter. The mom hadn’t actually gotten that far in her cooking progress to have mixed the batter fully so she tells the kid that he must wait until she is ready. Annoyed because he had remembered to ask so nicely and doesn’t see why she can’t just mix up the batter instantly instead of first cleaning up the juice he just spilled, attending to the cookies in the oven so they don’t burn, pouring the spaghetti noodles into the colander so they don’t get too soggy, and also answering the phone that has just started ringing. Finally the batter is mixed and the kid is presented with a fork, not a spoon, of delightfully dripping chocolate… and he no longer wants to eat the batter. He is so focused on the fact that he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and in the way he wanted it, especially since he asked in the way he had been trained to, he is now just throwing a fit and storms off into the other room, denying his mom the satisfaction of giving him the batter that she put on a fork especially for him. The mom, not worrying too much about the situation, (because, after all, it is a kid throwing a fit) figures she will just explain later that she just thought he wanted the batter and didn’t realize he had put so much hope in getting the specifics fulfilled at a specific time.
So now pretend that the kid in this story is actually an adult and just watch all the ridiculous points of the situation that flow through your head. My main point in making him an adult all of a sudden is noticing that he isn’t strong in himself. He was expecting, or hoping, to get what he wanted in the way he wanted it and once he didn’t get it that way, piss off. He used the situation to trigger an emotional reaction to it… the mom has seen this program before and though his attempts are perhaps to get her attention, he won’t get it until daddy comes home from work and tells him to go in and apologize to his mother, tell her that he loves her and he is sorry,then they can move on to explaining to him that he shouldn’t treat people as objects for his emotionally reactive needs.
This note connects back into a previous one of mine where I mentioned not letting emotions be controlled by the outside world… but in this situation it is a bit different because the emotions aren’t being lead by the outside world, they are getting their fix through it. It is creating a dependency on other people by using them as emotional security blankets. For me, personally, there is only so much of this left over childish, maybe a bit adolescent of behavior that I can stand. Hence my enjoyment of solitude (a byproduct of which, makes me notice these things in life). No real, healthy, genuine companionship with another person, should rely on one person using the other to get some sort of emotional fix because the other person doesn’t want to have to clean up someone else’s messes, they just want to hang out, have a good time, express themselves, talk about misinterpretations, get support and advice, do exciting things… I don’t know….anything, except be surrogate parent for someone to blindly react to.
But you’re not that person, not yet anyway. The thing with masks is that they can only be worn for so long and only really work when no emotions are being invested in the circumstance…. in my experience anyway.
Emotions are tricky, don’t believe for a second that they won’t change your mind for you or pull the wool over your eyes. Bodies have a way of getting what they want and your mind is only a function of how it achieves that.
So don’t fight it. The emotions involved will pull through and only damage your credibility if you are trying to hide them, how? Act overly friendly…. then suddenly…silence? Doing nothing is just as much communication as saying something.
That doesn’t work to solve any part of the situation…but it will keep the hole in you wide open, giving you that constant something to fight for and with, which, you have dug so deep that it would take creating a whole new you all over again to fill it and you are too lazy to cause that kind of conflict, why? Because you went and jumped right back into what you spent so much time and energy getting away from. “This time it will be different, this life is different, more agreeable”… no. You have only changed the object, you… you’ve just created an illusion for yourself to live in and in that illusion you can at least have what you are missing. So why fight it? Why use extremes in an attempt to manipulate the outside world when they can be seen through, you’re only making it worse for yourself.
There is no reason to keep it all pent up. it doesn’t matter how you feel or what you are thinking as long as you express it in some way to the only person with whom it matters to. You can express it to a total stranger and you’ll get your quick fix…. or jump beyond it.
It is interesting to notice when people do as they are told and compare that to when they rebel. I am wondering what happens when an adult goes against what I am asking them to do, not because it makes sense, but blatantly rebelling for their own reasons, only to much later do exactly as I request, once again for their own reasons. As if I finally provided them with the bricks to build another emotional monument… one they can carry on their backs and use occasionally to stumble under the pressure of.
People can build monuments to any emotion. Loss is a great one to build it to, because it will be on the back of the minds of everyone who bore witness to it or contributed to the creation of the blue prints. The individual will be forgiven for bad behavior because it is widely known the importance of the piece of life that was lost. Having gone through a totally personal and unique experience, one can therefore (often subconsciously) hide in the shadow of their monument to what was lost and reap in benefits from others who subtly sense the monument builder’s new found weaknesses.
The builder thus starts a new cycle of gaining support (not a goal of living a happy, fulfilled life) but just for the sake of getting help and assurance that it is right to build his monument. So you can see that he will fill his workforce with people who need distractions themselves from the gaps in their own lives (chosen or not) and therefore sacrifice themselves to the needs of the monument, they too can now live in its shadow and pay homage to it because it is the only reason they were able to slither into the world of the monument builder and use his resources for shelter from their own cold, beaten, continuously abandoned hearts.
You can see that it is in the best interest of the workers to never let the builder ever realize that this monument does not have to be built. He is thus allowing himself to be taken as a fool…and will blindly continue to do so.
The builder is in fact safe to regain the pieces lost if only he would not spend so much effort building a monument and use that creative energy to fight properly and tactfully for what was lost. This becomes more difficult as the construction process nears completion. The further he goes, the more he is under the supervision of his own workers, who he, deceptively, feels now depend upon him for happiness and support. This is an illusion, they don’t care for him, they are just using him to fill their own gaps for the time being. They are not evil in a sense, just not emotionally fulfilled and happy in their own lives, which isn’t a horrible thing, but they are not the properly progressive influences that the builder stubbornly feels they are. When they themselves realize that they are capable of filling their gaps they will leave the builder to build yet another monument to loss, taking with them the pieces of him they can still use while shitting on the rest. Thus he had cursed himself to work through life as Sisyphus does (you might want to look up the ‘myth of Sisyphus’).
The goal is to notice when you are using a piece of life to build a monument and once you see it, stop building it. Don’t be afraid to face the real motives of construction (workers, building materials, etc), it is better to face reality than keep running to hide from it because once faced, you are then free to happily focus on the far more beautiful and talented aspects of life, including those you once gave up on.