Category Archives: Expectations

Merging heaven and earth

Merging heaven and earth

It is sad that us 30 somethings are leading no different of a trajectory then our parents.  Sad because that wasn’t the plan.  We didn’t plan to live blue collar jobs where 50 cent raises every year were a luxury.  We planned to make bank.  Instead of getting jobs at stable companies out of high school or after our AA degrees, we went full out and got through grad school.  To make what?  An inflation adjust equivalent of your parent’s 1980’s wages plus a student loan.  Without what? a house and a family.

Seriously, my parents had a family young because they could afford one.  They had the means to make it happen.  My generation had them either by accident (trust me not a single one of my “smart” friends from high school has had a child out of wedlock because we studied the shit out of birth control) or planned without an infusion from inheritance.

I set out to beat debt.  I wasn’t going to live like everyone else either racking up credit cards or using their house as an ATM.  But it doesn’t work.  The possibilities are too abundant and salaries have declined.  Everywhere I turn are people trying to over charge for the most simplest of items.  $3.00 for a kitchen sponge where I can get 10 for $2.00 elsewhere.  Simple everyday things that suck the life out of me.  These things add up, and marketers know that.  I feel taken advantaged of.  Employers know we need money so they hold it against us.  This world is evil.  We really are in hell, our own reincarnated level of hell.  I’ve known this since I was a child and I see it to be true because happiness is only temporary.  We are given what we get for no understandable purpose.  the fact that it is not comprehensible or apparent that we know why we are here and playing in this specific position suggests that that is why we are here.  The unknowns are the key.  The unknowns are our reason for reincarnation or whatever you want to call it.  We are tortured by the ones better off than us just as much as the less fortunate.  We can not achieve higher and fear a fall further from grace.

Be not afraid is a mis nomer.  Be afraid.  So afraid that you chose to help create heaven on earth.  Don’t worry about standing up to the politicians,  go beyond them.  Create heaven on earth, don’t wait for the after life.  Make the after life heaven when you get there too.  Clean up hell.  Don’t yield to the intimation of the under world.  Don’t go weak in the knees and embrace your own mortality.  Merge heaven and earth.  Bring them as one and no one will suffer.  No one will be left starving or maddened by ignorance and illness.

Make life a better place in all realms and dimensions.  Bring the gods in harmony, let the angels sing and the fairies unite.  This place is only evil as much as we let evil in.  Merge the worlds and summon the spirits to pull it all together for endless mirth and merriment.  Only then will this abomination of disparity cease to exist.

Waiting for Prosperity

Waiting for Prosperity

Raquel sat waiting by the river for something positively exciting to happen to her. She’d had enough of the boring and miserable aspects of life. Death, loss, being broke, toxic relationships, career setbacks, etc. You name it, it’s happened. All these dark sides had shaken her confidence and belief in the attainment of dreams. She found herself going out less and not wanting to get involved in social activities because of the hidden costs associated with them. As she sat she reviewed all her naïve hopes from years past. “I was going to be great! I was going to put in the hard work necessary to make a grand living, gain respect and create my own small empire of wealth.” It distressed her to reflect on the situation in which those dreams evolved. Unfortunately, far from reality was that time of life. So small was the social circle and breadth of knowledge of how the world really operated, it was no wonder that she had once thought she could accomplish all that.

She in herself had changed too. When those dreams were stamped into her mission in life she had yet to experience her own joys of life outside the buffering childhood. The joys of solitude and general dislike for seemingly pointless and repetitive social cues were pivotal examples of how her own personality blocked her attainment of those dreams. Without at least a tolerance for politics how could she expect to navigate organizations in power or even encourage people to follow her should she wish to create her own environment? Some social constructs were fairly easy to navigate, however, those we generally found easy to everyone else as well making them less lucrative and/or just plain lazy.

In a way she was over those old dreams. After all, many of them had been accomplished so it was just a lingering few that refused to be fulfilled. Dropping the dreams was an option, but the feeling of “if I try just a little bit longer” always kept her coming back to them. The idea that she simply lacked new dreams was also toyed with. But her new found knowledge of the world shrunk her dreams to fit that realistic reality and thus new dreams were actually accomplished rather easy as they we both easily attainable with her current skills or simply dreamt up from a more practical mind.

All of which brought her to today, a place where she believed that simply waiting around for a lucky break into prosperity would do her more good than targeted action.

On being alone in the world

On being alone in the world

No matter how much we surround ourselves with people, animals, and thoughts of religious deities who validate our existence, we are indeed alone in life.  We rationalize the opposite instinctively.

It is a survival mechanism to utilize the imagination.  Without imagination we’d all be in loony bins because it is a shock to the system to see that no help is coming and there is far more to fall before we hit bottom.  Once we’ve reached the limits of our capabilities and related control over our life situation, there is nothing more than hope that Fortuna, the goddess of fortune and luck, will cruise in and sway her tiller in more a fortunate direction for us.

The fortune of humans.  Being in the right place at the right time does require showing up, but no guarantee that you’ll ever actually get there.

“When your prospects for the future solely depend on luck, you know you’ve screwed up.”  I quote myself.  I believe it to be true that luck lies in the realm of the gods, those mystical creatures who never show themselves to us in their true form. People pry and worship because they are at our lowest of lows and have exhausted all capabilities within ourselves to further our self-created cause.  If this is you, you are low.

Failure is a harsh term at times because it is usually attributed to personal failure as if it was someone’s fault.  In reality, failure is the world’s fault.  This person, a creation of this world, somehow was genetically programed to pursue a dead end cause.

There is a parasite in the Amazon jungle that reproduces by attaching itself to a specific ant specie.  These ants typically fallow along normal army ant (get food, build ant hill, attack enemy) behavior on the ground. Once this parasite attaches itself to the ant, suddenly the ant (for no genetic reason of its own) climbs a specific type of leaf growing off the Amazon floor and dies.  The parasite lays its eggs inside the ant’s body and when the eggs hatch, they eat the leaf before finding ants of their own to commandeer.

It would be great if my failed career attempts could so easily be attributed to a parasitic demon that drives me on adventures all over the world that consequentially spiral me into years of debt repayment AKA indentured servitude, but in reality, it is just me, in my head doing whatever it takes to make myself feel good, alone.

 

On Work

On Work

An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind.  Rework worries me.  I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself.  Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.

Rework makes me feel like shit.  Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true.  It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault.  But I often blame myself, not cognitively.  The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage.  It is a mess.  When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.”  I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework.  Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears.  Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.

I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process.  Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off.  Sigh… it never ends….

 

I think I don’t want to get married

I think I don’t want to get married

I don’t think I want to get married.  It is odd how difficult it is to admit.  All paths on the map to get there are dead ends.  Thinking about it hits my nervous system and almost makes me want to cry.  But I don’t cry, maybe a slight sob will come out.  I’m mourning the loss of my dreams.  At one time I had thought that’s what I wanted.

The next thoughts is, “What am I going to do instead?” I think that’s where the lost cry comes from because I don’t know.  I guess I will just work, save money, travel, enjoy my freedom, continue to dabble in experience with men if I met one who is interesting enough.  That’s all.  It can be summed up that quickly.  Mourning the loss of my dreams because I have out grown them.  I always had difficulty accepting that I have to grow up.  I’m never fully ready for it, usually I’m way past the point when I realize what about me needs to be changed.

I still have some hope that the world with change and I will be able to see things differently, but as far as I can tell, the situation is out of my control.  The guys I like don’t like me, I don’t like the guys who like me, I’m broke, so are they… I don’t enjoy feeling obligated to socialize with people, it exhausts me.  I am happy the way I am with my day to day happenings.  I see dating as a form of prostitution and marriage as a prison where I am damned to be the bitch he cheats on and a surrogate mother he has to ask for permission to stay out late.

On status anxiety

On status anxiety

The world is apparently flattening yet all over I still sense a need in people to cling to old forms of social class structures.  Top schools, top jobs, top companies, top designers, top top top top top.  Are we working for money or recognition?  If someone pays you a salary, you are working class.  If you live paycheck to pay check, regardless of income amount, you are broke.  If your net worth is negative, you are broke.

The standard of living gives people a false sense of social standing.  The ability to talk and act “up” also give a false sense of where they stand.  People aren’t competing against each other, people are competing against what others claim to have or be doing.  There is a big difference, especially if you encounter a habitual exaggerator who defines themselves by their dreams not by their actual accomplishments.  But anyway, why the need to compete after the contest is over?  After the good school, good work experience, good standard of living, etc.  At what point does the competitive drive just allow everyone to kick back and simply enjoy the fruits?

i guess I just want the competitive people to shut up.  It is the noise coming out of their mouth, infecting my ears that irritates me.  For some reason my brain finds meaning in it, fearful meaning.  Perhaps my sensitivity to words is just flaring up again.  The words hit at my insecurity about no being smart enough or good enough.  So whenever I hear the competitive chatter, it gets to me.  I don’t like being taunted, teased, or put down.  Words have meaning and I respect them.  Therefore I don’t use them aggressively unless I mean to, but that doesn’t mean I should expect everyone else to follow my same doctrine.

Harnessing my own insecurity would help.  If I accepted that I am perfectly fine and capable, then I could move on.  I could fill in the empty space were my old insecurity sat with something better that doesn’t listen for fearful confirmation.  I could replace it with confidence and the ability to not need to second guess myself.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

“At every moment of my life there open before me divers possibilities: I can do this or that. If I do this, I shall be A the moment after; if I do that, I shall be B. At the present moment the reader may stop reading me or may go on. And, however slight the importance of this article, according as he does the one or the other, the reader will be A or will be B…If the reader has resolved now to go on reading into the next moment, it will be, in the last instance, because doing this is what is most in accordance with the general program he has mapped out for his life, and hence with the man of determination he has resolved to be.” – Ortega

I sense that people put too much of their own well-being on the shoulders of others. We forget at times that the people in our lives are just that, people. They are living their own lives while expressing their compounded experience as it has affected them and just as prone to mishap and misunderstanding as anyone else.

Our social structure is lacking (there is much more to real life than what the TV has conditioned you to notice and react to). It is no ones fault. If we continue to place the burden of our own happiness on people’s reactions to us, we will most certainly be let down in some way, at some time. Why? Because there is no ‘supposed to,’ no one is supposed to do anything. Actions have to come from within and once a person is placed in a situation to ‘act’ on what is expected, disappointment will result either within the person who masks himself by conforming or in the social sphere that made the action a requirement for acceptance.

Then there comes blame. Should a friend not comply with the group standards he is blamed, most horridly, behind his back by those he once thought to be the best of friends. They aren’t the best of friends, if they were, they would sit down and work out with him what has caused this confusion, instead they sit in a circle with uppity fire behind their eyes, taking turns to spill out the green ooze of turning ones back on a close friend by each, in turn, sharing from their ‘oh so high and mighty points of view’ (keep in mind these are his condemners here, who believe that their methods and approached to life are by far the best!) why and how he has let them down. Are people so bored and pathetic that they must pick at living aspects of their surroundings for their entertainment and emotional highs?

How does this make sense? How can someone live up to expectations that you put on them? Expectations that you require as entry into your world, that are based on your own experiences… not his! Had you not expected those things of him, perhaps you would not have been let down and perhaps you would actually see all the times he was there for you. Who was there during all those times you just wanted someone to talk to, to listen to you, or to hang out with? Who was it that you drank with and laughed with and made memories with? Who was it? and now you sit there building your bonds of hatred against someone who has done nothing wrong, but simply been himself. Perhaps, if something went astray, he actually needs you to be there for him this time…and all you’ve done is just….talk….shiiit….

“Behind the bitterness…is concealed the belief that harmony will be reestablished of itself once evil has been ejected. [The] task therefore is purely negative: there is no question of building a society but only of purifying the one that exists.” – Sartre