Category Archives: Hobbies

Commitment

Commitment

Commitment is one of those states of being that you are only aware of when it accompanies feeling stuck.  I don’t have a choice, this world will take away some big things I care about if I don’t conform.  No, I wouldn’t lose it all I would just trade one set of problems (slave to the system) for another (being homeless and poor).  Luckily I am smart and have a more comfortable stuck-state than many people, but still the cloud looms over me at times.

The bright side isn’t in some foreign country or with a different group of friends.  I’ve been there and I’ve met them.  I am still me no matter where I go or what I do.  I should be grateful for that fact that I have had the opportunity to encounter myself in such a vast variety of existence, but I feel a sense of normalcy about it because it is my life and it was me doing what made the most sense at the time.

So I’m finally here.  At that place where there is nothing to discover in my favorite things.  I have no choice but to live for the small excitements.  The little pieces I hadn’t noticed before.  The personalities I previously overlooked.  The benefits of ongoing love and attachments lingering down the same streets as usual.

I’ve been in a place similar to this many times when my dreams abandoned me because I accomplished them.  I asked similar questions like, “have I not aimed high enough?” “Could I have done more?”  The answers are never clear.  All I can do is make new dreams from the drive left over from the old dreams.  That means mapping out a road leading me right back where I am now.  All that work and emotion focusing on what I don’t have to get me what I want, only to get it and be right back here feeling empty.

But the goals are forming, soon they will be full fledged dreams pumping my heart so I can run in these circles all because the sun keeps rising and I enjoy my days to have a standard of comfort.  Off to work I go, I may as well rise through it…

On feeling emotionally blocked

On feeling emotionally blocked

I’m blocked.  I can’t finish anything, I can’t hold on to excitement for anything for more than a few weeks (the new boyfriend as the only exception).  Maybe it is just him that I want to focus on and it just makes everything else seem so blah.

I have all these ideas in my free time but I keep getting interrupted by work, family, friends… my real life.  My dream world receives no steady fuel, just stark reality.  I have no hope for excitement arriving in the near future.  Real world goals are not easy.  They are not laid out on a neat syllabus with set milestones for results.  Moral causes are immediately rationalized away as life rolls over them.

I know too much.  I see the next step in everything I have enjoyed and I cannot get there in any of them:

Dancing – teach, make costumes, and travel

Fashion – have a clothing company

reading/writing – write stories

Education – PhD

Career – CPA

Music – learn more about it and put together good performance music

Photography/Videography – learn to put it all together

Travel – need a profitable plan

Yoga is the only place where I have no place else to move forward with.  I think that is the essence of Yoga though to move peacefully with it.  Knowing that in itself make me feel I am at a progressive pace with it.

There is something about the next step in all that I listed above that shuts me down and makes me feel lazy.  It is too hard and I don’t trust myself to have the stamina to follow through.  In some areas I feel I need more education, like a fashion degree, to get me immersed in the culture of things.  But I have taken so so many classes and have a hard time showing up to all of them.  I feel compelled to rebel against the system in place and must gather my freedom.

In many ways I would only be taking a next step for myself with my own money.  That was a down fall of the CPA exam part II failure.  I had no one to be accountable to except myself and I was willing to waste more money on the task just to test my ability to focus. Sigh.  Honestly I don’t even like accounting.  It drains me but pays my bills, so getting my CPA is a difficult task because the subject is just like work and I can’t focus on that stuff for so much of my day.

I need to play.  That need counters my need for goals and productive routines.  I need to play.  It comes down to productive play… Maybe I’ll just let it all go and keep playing for the sake of playing.  Eventually I’ll get over my need to be productive in my free time.  I just wish that work didn’t suck up so much of my productivity and drive.  It could go two ways: 1) just accept it and put more energy into work, or 2) Keep stressing myself out and battling myself in my free time.

I don’t see a clear way out while I’m enslaved to my bills.  6 more months of debt to go.  I just need to remember to make life as awesome as possible in the mean time. Which in itself is another difficult task to add to my list.

On Internal Dialogue

On Internal Dialogue

I spent all day working on my tile project in my dad’s bathroom. It looks great! I am so please with how well the flaws I found while working on it are disguised or barely noticeable. Now I am at a loss for what to do with myself. I might try reading again… something short though. I think my recent issue with reading is that I get tired of reading through so much stuff just to get to one small interesting bit of information (Can you relate right now? :). I need a way to pass time joyfully.

I was listening to my internal dialogue while I was putting in some tile and I realized that I’m not as nice to myself as I think I should be. I’ve always been pushy with myself to get stuff done like studying or whatever else I need to do to accomplish something I set out to accomplish, which is healthy in itself, but my method of ridiculing myself in the process needs to be changed to a positive-reinforcement method. I learned from my mom that if there is something about myself that I do not like or just aren’t happy with, then change it. So I found ways to change habits over time, one of those is bitching at myself. While doing a project, my old habits resonate in my mind. A very simple example is that it crossed my mind that I may not vacuum up the excess mess I made before I finish up for the day. I used to never finish projects though I have managed to finish my projects now, clean up is something that I have always gotten lazy about. I don’t always think the benefit of having a clean space is necessary, though often when I have cleaned up I find small problems that could have created a bigger problem if I had left it for later. Regardless it seems ridiculous for such an issue to be a problem to me.

The big issue is not my laziness, it is really that I can manage that aspect of myself in a healthier way. All I have to do to avoid mistakes from starring me in the face in the future…is to fix the problem in the present, which can be done through more self assuring methods. Now that leads me into mistakes, or at least those things I perceive to be mistakes because I am sure there are more but I don’t mind those mistakes because they were either minimal or inconsequential.

So in changing my habits, I bitch at myself to avoid mistakes. This coping mechanism has in the past worked (looking back: for a long time), but I can tell that it is causing me more distress than it is worth because I have suddenly been made aware of it. A key aspect of it is that once I make myself feel like shit, no one else can really tell me otherwise unless I am certain that their standards are higher or at least on par with my own. I respond well to criticism since it is an obvious tool to get myself to change my mind or actions so I don’t really resent internal criticism, I just deal with it because I believe I need it (keyword: believe). Seeing as I constantly criticize myself, it is no wonder that I can often be overly sensitive and not be able to handle even the slightest notion of external criticism. With all this effort I put into myself, external criticism pisses me off unless I can see how it is constructively legitimate, which it often is not, or at least, not worth telling me about.

Anyways, it is going to take a few tries but I need to be nicer to myself and I think everyone else will benefit.

Social Experiments

Social Experiments

The problem with conducting social experiments is that I am playing two roles. Role A is the Experimenter who, based on need for greater insight into my own behavior patterns, has formulated a plan for testing out a hypothesis. Role B is reacting naturally to external stimuli that I have placed in front of me through a scene setup depicted by Role A.

So once I find a good enough situation (recognition of which is usually a split second “Initiate Experiment Now!” resonating in my head) to conduct my experiment in, then I am still left to pick up the post-experiment pieces. Which is fine because a major part of the experiment is to see if I can replicate a specific type of emotional reactivity which involves everything after the fact.

This experimenting stems from me seeing how well I can get specific reactions out of people. If I am able to successfully stage a reaction, then I am more aware of past situations where maybe it was simply just my behavior that ruled the whole situation. If replication is not possible then I can rule out how tightly connected my behavior is to the external world.

A difficulty is that now the experiment itself becomes part of my past and thus to an observer who is unaware of my conscious experiments, it would seems like a pattern which has yet to be stopped. When in reality, I did it on purpose this time. Which may in itself mean I have just found another way of perpetuating that same emotional reactivity…. but no problem is going to be solved until it is either no longer a problem, or is well understood enough to apply an antidote.