Category Archives: Indecisiveness

On Depression

On Depression

Depression, the emotional memory aggregator, seeps in slowly through every tiny crack in my life.  At first its just a bad decision, like taking a cab when the bus was 1/4 of the price.  From there it builds.   Though I’m still maintaining happiness most of the time, I begin to notice that things just don’t go right here and there.  There is still enough going well that I don’t realize I’ve been captured and well on the dissent.

I start second guessing myself out of a vague feeling that I’ve been wrong a bit too much lately.  Then Indecision creeps in under my nose followed by his best pals: Confusion and Doubt.   The Depression Gang’s whispers and mockery between my ears get louder and louder as they dig through my memory files.  One by one they pull out all the photos they’ve taken of themselves during my life time.  Like parasites, they high-jack my eyes and ears to match their horrid memories to my outer world.  I see strangers with characteristics of all the people I’ve ever disliked in any way, actors on screen resemble friends who pushed me away, song lyrics stab at my heart with remembrance of precious people I’ve lost, and any misstep a reminder of anything I’ve ever set out for and failed to achieve.

In defense, my boundaries and walls strengthen with hot showers, funny movies, and positive meditations.  To draw me out, they tease me like I’m a hungry puppy and they have beef jerky.  They allow me to walk just up to the gates of my goals, so I can see what’s on the other side then slam the gates in my face. Licking my wounds, I try another gate, only to be once again denied and made to feel a failure.  After a while, I don’t see the gate keepers as real people, instead I see the evil possessing them; like puppet masters, pulling strings to make my life as teasingly miserable by using as many people around me as they can.

The process repeats all while their memory attacks increase.  I begin to see a pattern and the problem, I begin to believe, is me.  The world doesn’t like me and as proof, the memory movie of all the negative events of my life is now playing on repeat.  It won’t stop playing.  I can press pause and get relief through positive interactions that have nothing to do with my main goal

I can buy happiness, through hobbies and nice meals with friends, but the world won’t pay me happiness.  Not with depression around my neck.  He has convinced me of my unworthiness and I begin to simply believe it.  I give in and angrily take the meager scraps he has to offer.  But he will still make me wait, make me jump through hoops and hurdles all because I need something and am working hard to obtain it.

As my walls and boundaries erode, I fall back into the indebted world.  The light at the end of the tunnel above me gets smaller and smaller as Depression makes me wait until he says its time for me to climb myself back up to the normal world.

On the known world

On the known world

I knowingly bought a ticket to the known world.  The place where all the pieces are planned and mapped out.  Where life doesn’t just happen to you.  Where most attempts to find vibrant life end with a mediocre thought of “at least I tried”.  But I bought the ticket anyway because it is a place where I knew I could sit back, feel normal, and make sense of what I’d been through.  Now that I’ve recuperated internally I’m looking out and I can’t help but struggle with my decision.  I look back and wonder what could have been done differently in all the wildness.  I guess the unrealized sense of a piece of life being over has now become fully realized.  In efforts to create a new plan it makes sense to look back and list out all the dislikes in order to make better decisions for the next round.  This time around, part of me didn’t realize it was over.  Part of me is ready to go, part of me wants to stay, and most of me can’t afford to leave.  All in all, it is good that I stepped on the train, because the known world is good for people who don’t know what to do next yet.

On Post Post Traumatic Stress

On Post Post Traumatic Stress

I sat trying to read a book full of cool concepts but I couldn’t help but to internalize on all the memories that can finally come to mind without causing me distress.  Well, I guess that isn’t true because if they no longer had a negative effect on me then the topic of them wouldn’t suck my attention away from the book I had set out to read.  So, at least the horrible thoughts don’t completely incapacitate me as they once did.

It is annoying how crises often drive exciting times in life.  But crises are often referred to as the catalyst for change.  I see nothing wrong with that because crises happen all the time, the only difference is that for most crisis, I already have the appropriate coping mechanisms built up so they pass by without much left-over thought.  For those crises that I am not prepared to deal with, I am cursed to constantly review and review and review and play out and play out and play out the events until my mind is finally a lean mean coping machine.

My problem with this method of learning is that I do not like the middle of the process where I am fully aware of the fact that I am in a state of turmoil with nothing but time needed to bring my mind back to a functionally healthy state.  While waiting for my mind to get over it’s cold, confusion causes immobilization which in turn causes more conflict to arise out of the life situations that I now face in the aftermath of the initial crisis situation.   In short, recovery is a long and arduous task and can only be accomplished by simply doing what it is I need to do to make myself realize that what I’ve gone through is actually normal, Fortune just had never swung her tiller so sharply for me before.

 

But afterwards, what is to be done when all evidence of some monumentous, now long past, occurrence in life is all but erased from my daily experience?  Aside from the memories popping up here and there, things are calmer now, there is nothing to struggle against.  Days pass by smoothly, people come and go, work gets done, new opportunities pop up to greet me, etc. I guess this is just what it is like to have let something go.  But it feels weird to have once spent so long plagued by flashbacks in often silent despair, to now talk freely about all the details as if it were some sort of sitcom.  Why did it take so long not to care about it?  Why couldn’t I have been in this state of not caring sooner?  I would be three years more advanced than I am now.  Sigh, it is just the way of the cookie.

Not Being Able to Trust My Own Judgement

Not Being Able to Trust My Own Judgement

There was a time when my lapses in judgment caused me no great harm or worry so I didn’t attribute the cause of my action to lapses in judgment, things just happened as they happened. I usually enjoyed the outcomes of my judgment lapses with the attitude of “I cannot believe that just happened…wow!” Now I feel as though I have too much to lose by acting too strongly on impulse. The funny thing is that I’ve got less to lose than I did before, yet I feel as if it is more. This could be the result of my world being much more narrower now than it has been in the past, so greater weight is given to fewer aspects of life. Do I have a greater sense of responsibility?…. well, no not really, it is just that my choices tend to be only mine to make.

My worry about my judgment calls is causing me to narrow my world to extremely safe bets… if even you can call them bets. I recently realized that bad judgment calls come out of no where; going into them they appear to be perfectly reasonable things to do. Only when something bad happens is the judgment call considered bad. That is the trick, I don’t know how the situation is going to turn out, I can only base my projections on what I have experienced in the past, if I make a projection at all. So for the sake of accomplishing my goals I realize that I need to restrict myself from situations where I have experienced a negative effect of a judgment call. To clarify, I am speaking of extreme situations here from my more wild side. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to continue having heaps of fun, but I am just drawing a temporary line to keep myself on the right track.

Sailing is just so cool.

The Bubbles, Part II

The Bubbles, Part II

There are gaps in time where my social goals are put aside for the sake of indulgence. Aside from these gaps I am doing what I want to do, which, I realize, is not always what is natural to do. But I cannot be both who I want to be and who is natural with certain people, because of this I find myself in a state of being very unsure.

Maybe I am just prone to being unsure and therefore cling to (or create) situations that validate that my feeling is correct. Either way I am better off when in my own element and in the company of those who I do not have doubts about. I am just happy here with the normal ways of things.