Category Archives: Lovers

Summoning past lovers

Summoning past lovers

In a brief moment of despair at not being in love for far too long, I summoned up my favorite lover from my memory.  After dancing the softness of his skin and reliving the sparkling spot in my soul where his memorizing eyes met mine, I finally remembered what it felt like to be in love again.  For a brief second the portal between us opened again, long enough for me to whisper “but i love you…”  Swooning once again in a state of ecstasy, he awoke from my spell, “Mareks…Mareks, darling are you still there?” said a sweet voice over the phone. “Hm, hmm, yes yes, uh blue, blue is a great color for the guest bedroom, look I’ve got to go, I’ll call you back when I’m on my way home” he replied….”Love you too….cheers….bye”.  He nervously stood up and looked out the window over Sydney Harbour.  He remembered too.

Crush

Crush

Crush always likes to slam into me like a 30 foot tsunami.  I just don’t know what hit me and I don’t see him coming (no pun intended).  His desperation for a home is a result of my desperation for autonomy.  I say he is “desperate” because his fancy takes such a wide variation of forms, so wide that I couldn’t possibly choose just one.  I love them all (all meaning foreign ones, domestics are just pass times).  He makes me love the way they speak, the words they say, the tone they use, the stuff I would normally shun, the actions they so easily express without asking…I love it all.  I want to take it home with me.  Nurture it and live off it to the point where I am completely dependent on it.

Sadly crush doesn’t stay in one place for long.  His constant shifts sadden me.  But in my deepest, darkest despair over what I can’t have there is always a little light checking in.  He feeds me attention when I least expect it.  He actually gives me hope…. but I think it is just crush in friend’s clothing…

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

My words are ink blots, designed to play upon the very essence of what my readers want to hear.  Sadly, I have neither granted wisdom beyond what they already knew, nor I have provided them with insight beyond what pieces they had already put together.  Whatever it is that they seek they will not find here.  But what of me you ask?  What do I see in it all?  in every word I see his bright blue eyes peering down at me in first sights spark, I feel his arms toss me into the sky only to catch me in his bed of roses, I hear his foreign voice resonate through my mind in a harsh language spoken so sweet, I see that smile that was only for me that night he took me to watch the Emerald City’s lights, and I feel my heart start pounding again like it did when he put his palm to my chest and astonishingly said, “you have a pulse.”  In the divine, star-crossed madness of it all, I have to catch my breath and smile because I can still feel him pulsing through my veins.

Robots

Robots

A friend of mine sat on a lawn chair in the pool area of our apartment building, leaning forward with his head in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  He hadn’t taken a puff of his cigarette for a few minutes so his cigarette looked more like a long ash stick than an actual cigarette.  I approached him cautiously and said, “Hey Frank, what’s up man, rough day?” startling him out of deep thought, he jumped and once he realized who I was he mumbled, “Oh, Rob, hey man, what’s up?”

“You don’t look so good, what happened?” I asked.

“Oh my girlfriend blew up last night.” He said.

“Another one?!?” I asked amazed, “Isn’t that the third one this year?”

Yeah another one and, no, fourth one this year. Remember I had two in January. That was a disaster also,” he said throwing his hands in the air and slapping them down on his thighs, “I thought that if I have two on opposite cycles of the month then I wouldn’t have to wait around for them to, you know, be in the mood.  It worked out great for the first month but I couldn’t afford the maintenance, then when I kept getting their preferences confused, like which on likes wine and which one likes beer, they both exploded…. But I didn’t even see it coming this time.  I don’t get it Rob,” he continued, “I read the manual three, even four times and followed it exactly.”

“What model did you buy?” I asked.

“The Edu…educated Showpiece 5000,” he replied with a stutter.

“Holy shit, Frank, no wonder!  Why you messing around with such an advanced model?  You got a 5000 series with an education package?” I exclaimed.

“I know, I know, but I’m just sick of the dumb ones,” he said sucking on his cigarette,  “I didn’t realize that the education packages think so much, I just thought it just makes conversation and advice better.”  He explained, head bobbing low, “I didn’t realize that I actually had to put so much effort into them.”

I hate to say it man but that’s advanced material,” I responded, “I’ve never bought higher than a 3000 series, I like to keep things simple. Actually I’m happier with the 2000 series actually, they don’t analyze my behavior so much and it is much easier to persuade them to do what I want them to do, ” I trailed off realizing that my words weren’t really helping.

“Now I have to start all over,” Frank mumbled head in hands again. “Build the whole relationship from scratch, if only they didn’t cost so much money.”

“Well, just try being single for a while then,” I replied.

“No, no, I’ve tried being single before, it messes with my mind man,” he said with wide eyes, “suddenly everything in the world has a sexual connotation.  This one time I walked into a grocery store to return something and the cashier was talking to me in plain English but I didn’t get what she meant.”

“What was she saying?” I asked

“She said something like, ‘This is past the return DATE sir, we have to GO OUT to the warehouse and speak with my manager. Most likely she will approve it because we like to keep up good RELATIONS with our customers.  COME along.’ Then she had me follow her to the back and all I could focus on was her….”

“I hear ya, you don’t have to give anymore detail…” I interrupted while tapping him on the shoulder, “but hey, lets go grab a drink, take a load off.  I’ve had girlfriends blow up on me before too, it always sucks at first but, hey, it’s a learning experience, that’s why you try different models.  You’ll get it down…”

“yeah you’re right,” he responded as he got up to head off to the local pub with me.

While walking out of the pool area we saw smoke flowing out of a second floor apartment where a couple was arguing on the balcony.

Suddenly the man on the balcony yelled, TAKE COVER!!!!” instantly we jumped under the nearest table just in time to hear a loud BOOM BOOM BOOOOOM.  As the shards of plastic and metal wires rained over us, I said, “See, you’re not alone.”

On Closure

On Closure

I had a boyfriend for a long, long time who ended up dumping me for another girl.  I was heartbroken and spent years picking up the pieces and rebuilding my life with the friends who stood by my side.  After a while I realized that his departure was in fact one of the best things that ever happened to me.  I’m happy, more carefree, have good friends, and have accomplished a lot.  I thought I couldn’t be happier, until I found out that the girl he left me for dumped his ass.  Booya!

The Best Good Bye Letter Ever Written

The Best Good Bye Letter Ever Written

” ‘Jane Doe’ the name I will always remember and the name that always will be close to my heart. I have been away from my home country for almost 5 years, I’ve been to Europe and Australia. During my stay in Australia, in Sydney, I met many interesting people and made many friends. But if someone in my country asked me, “Hey who was your favorite person, who did you like most?” I will say, without doubt, Jane was my favorite and always will be my favorite girl because she rocked my world. Jane, you always made me smile all day, your funny messages made me happy all the time. As I told you, I never said to someone “I love you” but maybe I was one inch from saying ‘I love you’. Well, what the hell, I love you!

Boys II

Boys II

Boys get mad and throw fits when their females spend too much time away, not doing what the boy want them to do. Men, on the other hand, are happy not to have to ask for some free time and space.

I was talking to a woman at work recently who said that in her next life she’s hoping to come back as a man. I surprised myself when I immediately responded, “Well you’ve got a better chance than my ex boyfriend.”

Shopping for a Significant Other

Shopping for a Significant Other

A man stands outside of a luggage shop. He has walked by this particular shop everyday on his lunch break for the past few weeks, eying a piece of luggage that caught his eye. Today, he finally decided:

“I’m going to go inquire about this one.”

He walked in, and the shop girl asked, “Can I help you sir?”

“Yes, actually” he responded in a secure tone, “I’m looking for a new piece of baggage to carry around with me, some thing bright and cute, like the one in your window.”

“Well that particular one seems the most fitting, lets have a look” the shop girl responded as she pulled it into the aisle of the store.

The shop girl continued “She is bright and colorful and is sure to lighten your mood, but I must warn you though,” she stated, as she unclasped the latches and looked inside….

“She’s beautiful” you admire under your breath.

The shop girl continued (eager to make a sale), “Once you look inside” as she opened the luggage ” you’ll notice, sir, that her previous owner stole most of her pride and dignity, but I assure you, that can be replaced, with some proper care, whatever that may be.”

“It is of no consequence, my lady. How much longer do you think she has?” He asked.

“In her prime sir?” The shop girl responded back, “Most definitely, five years of consistent travel until she is stretched and smothered by your hauntings, which is the length of our warranty I must add, at which time you are free of her, I assure you that she will manage any carry-on baggage you acquire, for a fee of course, and leave you to go live your life in pursuit of other, perhaps, younger pieces of luggage,” She continued, ” to your hearts content,” the shop girl stated while condemning the luggage with a smile.

“What a perfect warranty package,” said the man, “Do you mind if I take her for a stroll around the mall, just to, to get acquainted?”

” By no mean sir, be back in 10 minutes?” She asked.

“No problem,’ the man responded as he walked out, handle in hand, out of the up-scale establishment.

Ten minutes later the man returned and asked the shop girl, “What of her previous owner, is he still in want of her?”

“Her previous owner? Well, sir, I must admit, he has called on occasion to ask of her status and tell me of his, but he has made no real effort to come and collect her, therefore I must assume that she is for sale as any other piece of luggage in the shop. Will you take he?”

“Most definitely, of course,” he said, “I cannot imagine a better warranty for such an object at the moment. Under warranty for five years and at that point, no hard feelings for getting rid of her at my whim’s content? What man could ask for such perfect use of a woman? I must take this colorful and enchanting beast and use her to my hearts content.”

How You Know Your Boyfriend Thinks of You as Another Mother Figure

How You Know Your Boyfriend Thinks of You as Another Mother Figure

-You take him to and from school
-He lies and tells you he needs a ride to school in the middle of the night so he can make it to class the next day….then calls you the next day hung over at noon (still in bed) saying he got too drunk after you dropped him off to make it to class.
-You are the one who convinced him to get braces
-He gets defiant when you tell him to cut his hair
-One day decides he has out grown you and takes off claiming to have “fallen out of love” but still wants to tell you what he is up to almost everyday and talk to you when he needs support
-When you tell him about your frustrating day he gets angry and tells you to stop complaining and do something about it, anything except complain to him.
-Tells you that it is ‘crazy’ to cry over a HUGE dent in your car that he put there which will cost you a lot of money you don’t have and he won’t work extra to help you pay for…. well not for 6 months at least
-He thinks that once he has done something then no one is as good or cool as he is until they do it too, but he didn’t realize you did most of this 6 years ago while he was in the nest still
-He declares his maturity by claiming to you that he wants no responsibility
-He claim independence by having someone else pay for him
-He claims that his memory sucks when you ask about sensitive topics
-You find yourself constantly going out of your way to see him
-After working and studying all day, then fighting traffic and finally stopping by home to pick up your stuff for the night while having a nice chat with your parents (who make you dinner and let you live in their house for free) he gets all butt-hurt that you are always late to come see him
-One stressful day he has a dinner gathering at his house and while you sleep a bit early because you have to work in the morning he stays up all night with some other girl and proceeds to express to you for the next week how cool she is
-Claims you are boring because you are bored with nothing to do at his place
-Insists that your favorite family vacation spot is an absolutely horrible place in the desert and finds any excuse to not go to the desert until he breaks up with you and goes there for a road trip with said girl from a few lines up and comes home to tell you how awesome the desert is.
-He doesn’t understand how you could no longer want to talk to him anymore