Category Archives: Preparation

On feeling emotionally blocked

On feeling emotionally blocked

I’m blocked.  I can’t finish anything, I can’t hold on to excitement for anything for more than a few weeks (the new boyfriend as the only exception).  Maybe it is just him that I want to focus on and it just makes everything else seem so blah.

I have all these ideas in my free time but I keep getting interrupted by work, family, friends… my real life.  My dream world receives no steady fuel, just stark reality.  I have no hope for excitement arriving in the near future.  Real world goals are not easy.  They are not laid out on a neat syllabus with set milestones for results.  Moral causes are immediately rationalized away as life rolls over them.

I know too much.  I see the next step in everything I have enjoyed and I cannot get there in any of them:

Dancing – teach, make costumes, and travel

Fashion – have a clothing company

reading/writing – write stories

Education – PhD

Career – CPA

Music – learn more about it and put together good performance music

Photography/Videography – learn to put it all together

Travel – need a profitable plan

Yoga is the only place where I have no place else to move forward with.  I think that is the essence of Yoga though to move peacefully with it.  Knowing that in itself make me feel I am at a progressive pace with it.

There is something about the next step in all that I listed above that shuts me down and makes me feel lazy.  It is too hard and I don’t trust myself to have the stamina to follow through.  In some areas I feel I need more education, like a fashion degree, to get me immersed in the culture of things.  But I have taken so so many classes and have a hard time showing up to all of them.  I feel compelled to rebel against the system in place and must gather my freedom.

In many ways I would only be taking a next step for myself with my own money.  That was a down fall of the CPA exam part II failure.  I had no one to be accountable to except myself and I was willing to waste more money on the task just to test my ability to focus. Sigh.  Honestly I don’t even like accounting.  It drains me but pays my bills, so getting my CPA is a difficult task because the subject is just like work and I can’t focus on that stuff for so much of my day.

I need to play.  That need counters my need for goals and productive routines.  I need to play.  It comes down to productive play… Maybe I’ll just let it all go and keep playing for the sake of playing.  Eventually I’ll get over my need to be productive in my free time.  I just wish that work didn’t suck up so much of my productivity and drive.  It could go two ways: 1) just accept it and put more energy into work, or 2) Keep stressing myself out and battling myself in my free time.

I don’t see a clear way out while I’m enslaved to my bills.  6 more months of debt to go.  I just need to remember to make life as awesome as possible in the mean time. Which in itself is another difficult task to add to my list.

Timing

Timing

Dreams have their own timing. So enjoy putting the puzzle pieces of life together as they appear in front of you instead of pondering on the couch how it didn’t happen as you planned. You might miss your next window of opportunity to act. If you are paying attention, you’ll notice that windows of opportunity appear all the time They do not all look the same so you must make the right wish (within your means, so for me this is just a little above realistic) to alert your mind to learn how to recognize the necessary windows. It is all in your mind.

Coping Skills

Coping Skills

There are just inevitable situations in life that are so sudden and/or traumatic that recovery indeed takes a long time…. and actually you’re never the same person as you once were. This not only happens because you enjoy the new found “you” who has emerged out of your psyche to keep the body living, but also because pieces of you are in fact dead. Once over the mourning period, you get a new rigor and enthusiastically fill into your new shoes. Despite nature’s euphoria melting over your head, things still happen that can be stressful. Luckily the new you is well equipped to shrug off many incidents as normal errors in the process of discovery, but there are some situations that are not granted this stress-exempt status.

As with the rest of life, you find yourself simply reacting to these stress-situations as you would any other situation without realizing how much negativity you are actually piling on your shoulders. The effect of your push to maintain this new, more positive outlook is that perhaps too many negatives are overlooked and continuously overlooked and continuously overlooked, and habitually overlooked……

Then at some point your love affair with your new self fades and you’re back in the swing of real life. Looking back you can think of millions of happy thoughts to make you laugh out loud on elevators or completely space out in meetings…. but also there are those horribly unhappy thoughts that make me cringe with humiliation and dread.

My post traumatic life is filled with situations that haunt me, not because these situations were of any significance…. but because I have lost my ability to handle intense situations involving human interaction. I see people as way too complex for me because I can never know for sure what they really mean or what they are really thinking. My openness has caused me to get myself into situations that ended up being way more than I was told I was getting myself into. They are not all negative, which is worse because I can’t handle the fact that I can never get that love back.

Starting Things Properly

Starting Things Properly

I’ve been flashing backwards and drawing parallels between similar events that happened at different times and I’ve come to the conclusion (with my capitalist hat on) that starting things with proper footing will, for the most part, be the best way to map out a smooth course.

If you’re not one to want smooth courses in life then, well, you’re ridiculous because you can’t make your WHOLE life difficult for yourself can you? Maybe you can, but do you want to? I get exhausted and in the process exhaust my fellow bipeds when I’ve made things more difficult than I could have. I agree that sometimes difficulty is actually a blessing, especially on road trips where difficulty brings about unexpected adventure…. but there are somethings, for me, that will be adventure enough without reoccurring problems and bad behaviors stemming from not having started off with the correct footing.

The way I see it is that if part of my life starts off one way, in one set of circumstances then it might end a similar way when a new part of life starts. Happens all the time with hobbies. I was making a pair of pants once and they ended up not fitting properly so I never finished them, in my frustration over why I couldn’t get the pattern to fit right I started crocheting a scarf. So I used my new absorption in the new hobby as an excuse not to confront issues with the previous one.

Eventually I had 5 or 6 unfinished projects laying around that I had spent money on and every time I looked into the sewing room there they were calling out “FINISH ME, FINISH ME.” But when the going got difficult I put them aside in that dark room and used another project to give me something to look forward to. It was only way later that I actually sorted through all those unfinished high school projects and finished them. Now I’m free and can start a new project for the sake of getting it done instead of trying to distract me from where I screwed up in the past

Works the same with relationships…..say, for example, I make a new friend, but our friendship actually evolved because the other party was angry at their best friend. The activities that my new friend and I do began around him telling me the horrible side of his soon-to-be-former-friend.

I listen while my new friend tells the soon-to-be-former that he is doing their favorite activities with me instead and am relieved when his former friend declines the invitation to join us. I listen as my new friend hangs up the phone after saying bye in a seemingly friendly voice and says “Bitch, Ha!” Nonetheless he’s hanging out with me and we’re having a good time so what’s the harm? Their problems have nothing to do with me. Then time passes and that whole situation is practically forgotten in our minds… until… until… I notice the same behavior but this time I am on the other end… I am the soon to be former friend.

Had I not been dealing with the same objects in the respect to each other then this theory would fall apart. So I see it happen, I know how my friend treated his former best friend, I was there I saw what role I played and I can see who is playing the former Me. So in this case I would recommend, not starting a relationship of any kind with someone who uses you as backup to finish off another because in my experience it has too much potential to be a reoccurring behavioral response to certain conditions (if it worked before, why not again?) and you will either see it coming or wonder what point in your life you’ll be at when it does and who else it will effect.

Call it capitalist efficiency if you like, or call it peace of mind, or call it being able to finish what you start, or call it shaping your life into what you want it to be, or call it not being weak, or call it placing reliability on yourself instead of on other things or people…. anything except “just because.”

Luck

Luck

I’m not much of a big money gambler so in my mind if there is ever a time when your whole manner of being (that is income, house payment, car, credit card bills, etc) relies exclusively upon trying to acquire more luck or positive energy to aid your hope of things turning out the way you want them to… then you know you’re in too far and what you are trying to do is actually not possible for you.

Hospitality

Hospitality

First and foremost when inviting people into your house you must come to terms with the guest on what is expected of them before or upon entry onto your property. If during the visit they overstep a boundary, politely let them know, if they continue to go against your wishes ask them to leave or do not invite them back. Understand that anything you give them of yours- for which you do not ask payment for upon delivery- is a gift. It is customary for frequent guests to bring something in trade for your hospitality but do not rely on this as a source of supplies. If you require something specific, like food or drink, then ask them before they arrive, or before they get too drunk to drive to the liquor store; good guests are more than happy to provide party supplies but it is up to the host to ask if supplies or funds are definitely required.

If at anytime you are unable to provide proper hospitality, then you need to stop inviting people into your space.

Improper hospitality includes:
-Assuming you can request anything of your guests because you provide a place for them to get together
-Providing food or drinks and after the fact telling guests they need to start paying you for them. It is your responsibility to make sure guests know ahead of time what is considered a gift and what isn’t. Everyone has different awareness of how large their contribution to the festivities should be.
-Sharing beyond your means. If something is beyond your means to share, DO NOT Share it. People understand this as long as you communicate it to them.
-Failing to take into account a guest’s contribution to the festivities (how many times has someone brought over a case of beer and only drank one, leaving the rest for later parties?) and focusing on your own monetary needs.
-Assuming guests who leave early and don’t drink as much need to contribute as much as guests who stay later and drink more.
-Relying on unspoken requirements for entry.

It is most difficult for a host to block the build up of a sense of ‘entitlement to respect’ from their guests. At that point, when a host seeks to exercise perceived power, the host has put themselves on a different level than their guests. This imbalance of perceived power makes true friendship impossible as guests are continuously pressured to do as the hosts desires under the guise of how long they have been “friends” and how long a guest has been invited over to utilize the host’s offered resources.

If a host demands compliance from a guest because of the longevity of their friendship…it is in the guest’s best interest to no longer choose to be a guest. If you meet at a bar and a friend needs help…..well…….that topic would be included in a different note titled: “On what makes a good friend.”

Building Monuments

Building Monuments

It is interesting to notice when people do as they are told and compare that to when they rebel. I am wondering what happens when an adult goes against what I am asking them to do, not because it makes sense, but blatantly rebelling for their own reasons, only to much later do exactly as I request, once again for their own reasons. As if I finally provided them with the bricks to build another emotional monument… one they can carry on their backs and use occasionally to stumble under the pressure of.

People can build monuments to any emotion. Loss is a great one to build it to, because it will be on the back of the minds of everyone who bore witness to it or contributed to the creation of the blue prints. The individual will be forgiven for bad behavior because it is widely known the importance of the piece of life that was lost. Having gone through a totally personal and unique experience, one can therefore (often subconsciously) hide in the shadow of their monument to what was lost and reap in benefits from others who subtly sense the monument builder’s new found weaknesses.

The builder thus starts a new cycle of gaining support (not a goal of living a happy, fulfilled life) but just for the sake of getting help and assurance that it is right to build his monument. So you can see that he will fill his workforce with people who need distractions themselves from the gaps in their own lives (chosen or not) and therefore sacrifice themselves to the needs of the monument, they too can now live in its shadow and pay homage to it because it is the only reason they were able to slither into the world of the monument builder and use his resources for shelter from their own cold, beaten, continuously abandoned hearts.

You can see that it is in the best interest of the workers to never let the builder ever realize that this monument does not have to be built. He is thus allowing himself to be taken as a fool…and will blindly continue to do so.

The builder is in fact safe to regain the pieces lost if only he would not spend so much effort building a monument and use that creative energy to fight properly and tactfully for what was lost. This becomes more difficult as the construction process nears completion. The further he goes, the more he is under the supervision of his own workers, who he, deceptively, feels now depend upon him for happiness and support. This is an illusion, they don’t care for him, they are just using him to fill their own gaps for the time being. They are not evil in a sense, just not emotionally fulfilled and happy in their own lives, which isn’t a horrible thing, but they are not the properly progressive influences that the builder stubbornly feels they are. When they themselves realize that they are capable of filling their gaps they will leave the builder to build yet another monument to loss, taking with them the pieces of him they can still use while shitting on the rest. Thus he had cursed himself to work through life as Sisyphus does (you might want to look up the ‘myth of Sisyphus’).

The goal is to notice when you are using a piece of life to build a monument and once you see it, stop building it. Don’t be afraid to face the real motives of construction (workers, building materials, etc), it is better to face reality than keep running to hide from it because once faced, you are then free to happily focus on the far more beautiful and talented aspects of life, including those you once gave up on.

Persistence

Persistence

All my notes are overwhelming me… and possibly you if you care to read all my fluff… but since I’m working on my writing skills I figure I may as well put this one up. What I am trying to say may be somewhat fuzzy, hopefully not too cheesy, but nonetheless I’m practicing writing out my theoretical ideas in hopes that one day they will all come together and form something clear.

On persistence
It is more beneficial to go for what you want or dream of not only for the sake of getting it, but for clearing the way for new desires to fill its place and build upon the last. I could spend ten years wanting one thing, but if I simply persist in getting it this year, I’ve cleared the way for, well, at least nine more ‘wants’ to be fulfilled. I say, don’t waste time dreaming for what you want, be persistent. Get it, every time, so that you are finally free to go one more step beyond it.