Category Archives: Secrets

On Getting to Know Someone

On Getting to Know Someone

There is a certain point in the getting-to-know-people stage where they are becoming more and more predictable..and you are aware of this.  Suddenly that surprising phone call is no longer out of the blue, that invitation to hang out has a known end, and those mannerism speak for themselves.  Yep, you’ve just learned their personality.  You’ve got it down.  Now what?

In comes repetition and overlaying experiences.  You mix and mingle until, whoops!  You found out what you don’t like about them.  Oh dear, what a loss, you’re high has just fallen and suddenly all those fun memories have an hazy glow that keeps you from remembering that they were once considered cool.  Suddenly they aren’t cool at all.

Oh no! It isn’t that you realized what you don’t like about the person, you realized that you don’t like the person.  Oh a huge difference.  It is so big and potentially painful to the other party that you couldn’t bare to tell them.  So you keep going, keep answering the phone and hanging out.  After all you know you don’t like them, shouldn’t they too be figuring out that they don’t like you too?  Why is it taking so long?  How do I say no?  Why do they argue every time I say no?  How do I get out of this?  Oh god, I’m going to have to see the person soon and I have nothing to say, nothing I want to say and I don’t even feel like smiling.

Every time you are faced with the person, that first thing that you didn’t like about them becomes them.  It is there, walking by your desk, chatting in your ear, sending lines it text.  The person is no longer the person, they are everything that you do not like about them walking on two legs and they know it.  They must know that no one would ever like all of this.  How could they not know?  This is common sense to me, people don’t treat others so rudely and expect to be liked do they?  I learned this in preschool and they are still behaving this way?  Do people not know what a disgusted facial expression means?  Do they not know what it means to wear such an expression all the time?  They don’t. They don’t know.  Because they don’t know what you know.

But wait, sometimes things go the other way.  Sometimes you realize what you don’t like about someone and they never do it again.  Life just goes on and no one seems to notice.  You were waiting for them to do that annoying thing again and they didn’t.  You even held back to give them extra space to say that annoying word and nothing, there was silence.  or even better, they said something that you liked instead.  How wonderful this person is.

Then it continues for a long time and you realize that this person is stable.  They may do things that you don’t like but not every time and if it is a problem, they don’t hang their souls on the issue, they just do something else.  Ahhh, I see, this person is dynamic.  Those are my types of friends.  Shape shifters who don’t always operate on cue and enjoy having a deep pockets of happy social games to play.  You can still toss a nasty social pitch their way as a test, but you’ll notice that they deflect it with ease.  Instead of saying “you bitch!” they say, “I don’t play that game, but I like you so try another.”

Between the two extremes there ly the, well, inliers.  Those who stay in the gray.  You know enough about them that you know you don’t need to know any more about them.  They get a little annoying sometimes because you can never seem to get to know them enough to know whether you like them or not.  Which, in itself, is probably what you don’t like about them that they keep doing over and over so they really fall into the negative.  But give them a chance because sometimes it is just the situation that drives their behavior.

Summoning past lovers

Summoning past lovers

In a brief moment of despair at not being in love for far too long, I summoned up my favorite lover from my memory.  After dancing the softness of his skin and reliving the sparkling spot in my soul where his memorizing eyes met mine, I finally remembered what it felt like to be in love again.  For a brief second the portal between us opened again, long enough for me to whisper “but i love you…”  Swooning once again in a state of ecstasy, he awoke from my spell, “Mareks…Mareks, darling are you still there?” said a sweet voice over the phone. “Hm, hmm, yes yes, uh blue, blue is a great color for the guest bedroom, look I’ve got to go, I’ll call you back when I’m on my way home” he replied….”Love you too….cheers….bye”.  He nervously stood up and looked out the window over Sydney Harbour.  He remembered too.

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

My words are ink blots, designed to play upon the very essence of what my readers want to hear.  Sadly, I have neither granted wisdom beyond what they already knew, nor I have provided them with insight beyond what pieces they had already put together.  Whatever it is that they seek they will not find here.  But what of me you ask?  What do I see in it all?  in every word I see his bright blue eyes peering down at me in first sights spark, I feel his arms toss me into the sky only to catch me in his bed of roses, I hear his foreign voice resonate through my mind in a harsh language spoken so sweet, I see that smile that was only for me that night he took me to watch the Emerald City’s lights, and I feel my heart start pounding again like it did when he put his palm to my chest and astonishingly said, “you have a pulse.”  In the divine, star-crossed madness of it all, I have to catch my breath and smile because I can still feel him pulsing through my veins.

On Favorite Things

On Favorite Things

I’ve been taking note of my favorite things and I’ve found that I have far more favorites than I imagined. The most obvious favorites, like specific food or clothing, have easily identifiable reasons for why they are a favorite. There are so many others that I found, which I didn’t realize fall into the favorite category but have now been placed there because of my more detailed observation. The most difficult to categorize are objects for which there are no substitutes because of who I received them from or how long I’ve had them. But the most favorite by far, I realize, are the things I do not let other people see or touch because I would be just that heart broken if they ruined or slandered it in some way.

Confiding in People

Confiding in People

Confiding in people often only has short term benefits. Essentially what you are doing is willingly giving the receptor of your personal information power over you because of your compulsion to speak out the energy on your mind. In the short term you feel better, hopefully accepted and more clear headed to further sort out your dilemmas. But what does the person you passed along your personal information do with it once your conversation is over? They often confide in someone else because the energy you passed along is too great to keep in (that’s the reason you spoke it out loud to a listening body in the first place). So now this person knows something about you, which you will probably forget about because what they don’t realize is that they heard of the issue at just one moment in the chain of processing data and that that specific moment may not really be of much significance once the overall scheme of things has been played out. Sadly they are left feeling empowered over outdated information.

Sadly, they will remind you of your outdated information. The speaking of emotional gibberish is just that gibberish. A fact that a listener should always take into account when attempting to grasp the macro-situation they have become involved in…. good listeners know this and realize that often people just need the physical breathing body in the room to receive sound waves that come out of their mouth to just feel better. Emphasize “feel better.”

But some listeners do not understand what a person is actually accomplishing by transferring information to them…. these listeners think that they must do something with the information, that they are now somehow involved in the direct line of events… when in reality they are simply perceived as an open ear. In essence, now that they are in “the know” it is now their business. Which is not the case…. they then become meddlers.

The difficulty with a meddler is that they think that meddling is a sign of friendship, like in order to be friends we have to know everything about the person and openly deal with all aspects of them….tiring as it may be, they need to meddle to maintain the appearance that they do have “friends” in order to feel something (confident, happy, cool….anything).

What meddlers don’t understand is that many people do not like their privately conveyed information used as a ball and chain.

Push/Pull or Pull/Push

Push/Pull or Pull/Push

There is one behavior that I do that is really starting to drive me nuts, perhaps because I can neither figure out exactly where it came from, how long I have been doing it, nor what triggers it.

I have bits and pieces of data I’ve analyzed but I just don’t think it is enough to put the behavior in any specific category where it can be modified it and turned into something fruitful. On top of that, I am not even sure if other people notice it, if they don’t then…. i shouldn’t mind continuing to do it…. but i think people do notice it, or at least feel it.

It depends on the other party’s sensitivity and willingness to actually call others on what they are sensitive to. Without direct feedback I am left to analyze merely possible reactions to my behavior, which, in turn, drives me into a deep confusion because for a moment I forecast the idea that the reaction I got was actually directly related to my action,

then pause,

there are more possibilities, after all, peoples lives are really complicated with scattered experience so who knows, who knows if my behavior has anything to do with their reaction. After all they would tell me wouldn’t they? They do know what they are doing, don’t they?

No, no, think of all those gossip girls who never told the outcast why they would agree to let her join the group and then fill out and submit the list of chosen ones, omitting her name before she could come by and take you up on your promise. If she was pushy or not, you agreed to it, right? Can I believe you this time like I used to be able to?

So in my experience and education, people don’t tell others why they are pushing them away, they simply act as if they aren’t and then they do…. leaving me to wonder what the hell I did. Was I annoying? did I put them off or cancel too often? did I not answer the phone or take too long to get back to them? Did I cancel on too many times? Did I? Did I? Did I?

This is when the details get fuzzy (you’re thinking, “i thought it was already fuzzy,” but oh no my friend there is more to my confusion over human relations). I think I learned this behavior a long time ago and although I do know and have seen what it does to other people, I have found myself doing it to others on various levels of severity without giving it much notice or forethought, sometimes playfully over a poker game (it can be funny an taken as sarcastic – assuming my sarcasm is understood) but I can’t find that fine, perfect line where I am free to be me without causing injury, or at least feeling as though I have.

The fuzzy continues… push/pull and pull/push have to link at least two behaviors. There are many times that I pull and I pull and I pull and I pull, then a push behavior is thrown in. Perhaps in defense, perhaps for some other reason, but I don’t know what to do when, after all that pulling, the push seems to have undone all of my work. Undoing my work is like punishment, have I done it to myself or has it been done to me?