I got my mind from my dad’s side of the family. I know this because the only relatives who completely (and I mean without a doubt) understand me at my wildest edges of the English language are from that side of the family, specifically my paternal grandmother’s side, they also completely understand my contempt for 95% of people I meet (yes, most of you are socially annoying and you cover it up by getting even more in people’s private business, the thought that no one needs you is terrifying, the thought that no one needs us is liberating… we are a different breed and we love ourselves for it). That’s not to say that I didn’t get any aspects from the other three pieces. I definitely gain extraordinary abilities from he other sides. My magnetism for reading and overly advance practicality came from my maternal grandmother’s side. My hardworking ethic and royal blood (over sense of self worth once reduced to peasant status) from my maternal grandfather’s side. I just realized that I have never met a sole from my paternal grandfather’s side of the family (aside from my grandfather himself, who passed when I was 2)… I asked my dad and apparently they were all a happy family until he moved to California with his parents from Charleston, West Virginia to California in 1957. So I really am not sure what traits my mind has gathered from that side of the family. But judging from stories… my wandering eye definitely originated there…. but thanks to my maternal grandmother though, I’ve never felt the urge to cheat.
I don’t think I want to get married. It is odd how difficult it is to admit. All paths on the map to get there are dead ends. Thinking about it hits my nervous system and almost makes me want to cry. But I don’t cry, maybe a slight sob will come out. I’m mourning the loss of my dreams. At one time I had thought that’s what I wanted.
The next thoughts is, “What am I going to do instead?” I think that’s where the lost cry comes from because I don’t know. I guess I will just work, save money, travel, enjoy my freedom, continue to dabble in experience with men if I met one who is interesting enough. That’s all. It can be summed up that quickly. Mourning the loss of my dreams because I have out grown them. I always had difficulty accepting that I have to grow up. I’m never fully ready for it, usually I’m way past the point when I realize what about me needs to be changed.
I still have some hope that the world with change and I will be able to see things differently, but as far as I can tell, the situation is out of my control. The guys I like don’t like me, I don’t like the guys who like me, I’m broke, so are they… I don’t enjoy feeling obligated to socialize with people, it exhausts me. I am happy the way I am with my day to day happenings. I see dating as a form of prostitution and marriage as a prison where I am damned to be the bitch he cheats on and a surrogate mother he has to ask for permission to stay out late.
I get discouraged by passions creeping up on me. For many of them, I just naturally orient myself in their direction only to discover later that I am fact passionate about something. It leaves me wishing I had realized my talent earlier so that I could have been even better at it by now.
Passion is definitely a love, a real love affair with part of the self. It is in you and can only come out of you if you do what it takes to get it out. There is something so special in being passionate about oneself. I’ve just been doing it, making sure that I am taken care of. “love, love, love, love, I love, love love Love.”
The difficulty is that I believe that I am so complete inside that I do not seek out what I may be missing in the outside world. I don’t even want to try sometimes because if something isn’t working for me I crave being by myself, where I know all my mental cookies are there to feed me.
This habit leaves me with a looming fear that I am missing something in exchange for the things I like doing so much. Since I don’t really like missing out on cool things, this fear speaks volumes. Maybe I just need to learn to enjoy missing cool things… by why would I? what would be the benefit? To avoid giving the fear so much power? I guess I would change this trait of mine once the fear got to be too overwhelming and made it impossible to find enjoyment in the situation. I hate how fear does that to me. Takes the fun out of so many enjoyable ideas.
In kendo tonight I got to spar off with some of the more advanced students and these people were honestly coming at me with bamboo swords so fast that there was absolutely no time to think about anything else for these 2 or 3 minute sessions. I forgot how nice it is to be able to forget about everything else that is going on in the world except me and the other person. So many other aspects of life are too layered with history, emotions, background noise, third parties, etc… that I forget just just be reacting purely to the one person I’m presented with.
I haven’t been up to much lately, not much socializing, or going anywhere… I’ve pretty much been cooped up in my house for about the past three weeks. Why? Well I’m not always such a social being to be honest and I’m not involved in anything outside of my house that requires my direct attention other than Kendo and yoga and some friends once in a while… so I’m left to analyze the minor happenings I encounter.
I am amazingly equipped to enjoy this solitude, more so than most of people I meet… I’m not sure what predisposes me to this, it isn’t that I dislike people, I just prefer to interact with very few at a time given a choice (outside of work).
This is why I need very few friends, more are always welcome of course, but I have just a few archetypal places in my life for people who I can have that one-on-one time with. My need for that type of relationship with people is what may cause some confusion for some more social people. I honestly don’t understand how someone could constantly have multiple people around them all the time, I get tired and I need to go reset myself to process overly social situations, as if I have to figure out what parts of it actually means something and what was just filler and fluff. So you can imagine my confusion when someone constantly wants to bring other people in on our one-on-one time, I’m very inertial and need some time to adapt to the third, fourth, or fifth parties, I really only signed up for the one-on-one and now my needs aren’t being fulfilled because I have acquainted myself with a human who may potentially not value the one-on-one time as much as I have, or expresses it differently.
I like it being just me and the other person. I like being in the middle of that, playing around with it, making it into new things, but still keeping the structure. I’m weary of outside influences, not all the time, but at times when I’ve got something that I feel very strongly about and don’t want it spoiled. There is some fear of mental poisoning that makes me at first reject practically everyone until I can see something compatible within them.
Compatibility comes second to the effects they have by being in my life. Forced adaptation to new people in my social life is not something I get excited over because I tend to be in groups- of any kind- so I can be myself, not to hold back for the sake of the new guy. And I, in no way, enjoy walking around with a potential version of me intruding on this platform from which I intend to jump beyond myself. It only holds me back…and builds resentment (resentment is a whole nother note…I need to research it more though… I think my reasoning on it is flawed).
So as I’ve grown into my own shoes I have realized that I am more compatible with those who also like socializing in a mainly one-on-one manner and who can uphold that bond when larger scenes happen or third parties come to play. Only then am I reassured that I mean something to them.
I could stop here but I’ll keep going….
Reassurance is a major factor in any kind of relationship for me. Unfortunately the background noise of a persons life can inhibit them from providing the necessary reassurance that one needs to remain confident of the strength of previous bonding. Background noise is normal, but too much at one time can definitely stop new relationships in their tracks, but I think what keeps something going is not giving into fears when the reassurance isn’t happening.
Fear does nothing more than cause me to look for red flags of danger and want to run the other way, even if the reg flags where really white. [[are you actually reading this?]] But there is something about having your worst fear come true. It is liberating to never have to be afraid of it again and to finally be able to see what caused it to be there in the first place.
In times of immense social fear within a one-on-one structure, it is unwise to turn to related third parties, unwise. [[if you are, I am just wondering…..]] Doing so breaks the foundation of the structure, causes you to waste energy building new structures (like my monuments mentioned in a previous note) that only exist based on a weakness in an old structure (not mentally healthy), and shows the original friend that something is up – leaving their imagination to go wild with possibilities based on mere fragments of information. [[if it makes any sense]]You can see, it turns a simple human emotion into a huge mess. I don’t like emotional messes, so I would rather be weary of new members to my groups. Preference.