Category Archives: Work

Merging heaven and earth

Merging heaven and earth

It is sad that us 30 somethings are leading no different of a trajectory then our parents.  Sad because that wasn’t the plan.  We didn’t plan to live blue collar jobs where 50 cent raises every year were a luxury.  We planned to make bank.  Instead of getting jobs at stable companies out of high school or after our AA degrees, we went full out and got through grad school.  To make what?  An inflation adjust equivalent of your parent’s 1980’s wages plus a student loan.  Without what? a house and a family.

Seriously, my parents had a family young because they could afford one.  They had the means to make it happen.  My generation had them either by accident (trust me not a single one of my “smart” friends from high school has had a child out of wedlock because we studied the shit out of birth control) or planned without an infusion from inheritance.

I set out to beat debt.  I wasn’t going to live like everyone else either racking up credit cards or using their house as an ATM.  But it doesn’t work.  The possibilities are too abundant and salaries have declined.  Everywhere I turn are people trying to over charge for the most simplest of items.  $3.00 for a kitchen sponge where I can get 10 for $2.00 elsewhere.  Simple everyday things that suck the life out of me.  These things add up, and marketers know that.  I feel taken advantaged of.  Employers know we need money so they hold it against us.  This world is evil.  We really are in hell, our own reincarnated level of hell.  I’ve known this since I was a child and I see it to be true because happiness is only temporary.  We are given what we get for no understandable purpose.  the fact that it is not comprehensible or apparent that we know why we are here and playing in this specific position suggests that that is why we are here.  The unknowns are the key.  The unknowns are our reason for reincarnation or whatever you want to call it.  We are tortured by the ones better off than us just as much as the less fortunate.  We can not achieve higher and fear a fall further from grace.

Be not afraid is a mis nomer.  Be afraid.  So afraid that you chose to help create heaven on earth.  Don’t worry about standing up to the politicians,  go beyond them.  Create heaven on earth, don’t wait for the after life.  Make the after life heaven when you get there too.  Clean up hell.  Don’t yield to the intimation of the under world.  Don’t go weak in the knees and embrace your own mortality.  Merge heaven and earth.  Bring them as one and no one will suffer.  No one will be left starving or maddened by ignorance and illness.

Make life a better place in all realms and dimensions.  Bring the gods in harmony, let the angels sing and the fairies unite.  This place is only evil as much as we let evil in.  Merge the worlds and summon the spirits to pull it all together for endless mirth and merriment.  Only then will this abomination of disparity cease to exist.

On feeling emotionally blocked

On feeling emotionally blocked

I’m blocked.  I can’t finish anything, I can’t hold on to excitement for anything for more than a few weeks (the new boyfriend as the only exception).  Maybe it is just him that I want to focus on and it just makes everything else seem so blah.

I have all these ideas in my free time but I keep getting interrupted by work, family, friends… my real life.  My dream world receives no steady fuel, just stark reality.  I have no hope for excitement arriving in the near future.  Real world goals are not easy.  They are not laid out on a neat syllabus with set milestones for results.  Moral causes are immediately rationalized away as life rolls over them.

I know too much.  I see the next step in everything I have enjoyed and I cannot get there in any of them:

Dancing – teach, make costumes, and travel

Fashion – have a clothing company

reading/writing – write stories

Education – PhD

Career – CPA

Music – learn more about it and put together good performance music

Photography/Videography – learn to put it all together

Travel – need a profitable plan

Yoga is the only place where I have no place else to move forward with.  I think that is the essence of Yoga though to move peacefully with it.  Knowing that in itself make me feel I am at a progressive pace with it.

There is something about the next step in all that I listed above that shuts me down and makes me feel lazy.  It is too hard and I don’t trust myself to have the stamina to follow through.  In some areas I feel I need more education, like a fashion degree, to get me immersed in the culture of things.  But I have taken so so many classes and have a hard time showing up to all of them.  I feel compelled to rebel against the system in place and must gather my freedom.

In many ways I would only be taking a next step for myself with my own money.  That was a down fall of the CPA exam part II failure.  I had no one to be accountable to except myself and I was willing to waste more money on the task just to test my ability to focus. Sigh.  Honestly I don’t even like accounting.  It drains me but pays my bills, so getting my CPA is a difficult task because the subject is just like work and I can’t focus on that stuff for so much of my day.

I need to play.  That need counters my need for goals and productive routines.  I need to play.  It comes down to productive play… Maybe I’ll just let it all go and keep playing for the sake of playing.  Eventually I’ll get over my need to be productive in my free time.  I just wish that work didn’t suck up so much of my productivity and drive.  It could go two ways: 1) just accept it and put more energy into work, or 2) Keep stressing myself out and battling myself in my free time.

I don’t see a clear way out while I’m enslaved to my bills.  6 more months of debt to go.  I just need to remember to make life as awesome as possible in the mean time. Which in itself is another difficult task to add to my list.

On Work

On Work

An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind.  Rework worries me.  I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself.  Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.

Rework makes me feel like shit.  Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true.  It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault.  But I often blame myself, not cognitively.  The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage.  It is a mess.  When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.”  I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework.  Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears.  Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.

I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process.  Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off.  Sigh… it never ends….

 

The Abuse of Power

The Abuse of Power

I’ve been noticing the influence of power in life, more importantly the abuse of power. The easiest example is always my boss, who can give me unwarranted shit since she is in the position to do so. Power abusers don’t realize that it is actually more difficult for others to judge if the criticism is an authentic critique of a specific situation or if someone is using the situation to show their power. Because most situations fall on a foggy line between the two, the recipient of the abuse- once aware of what is actually going on- cannot tell what the real problem is. So a cycle starts where the abusee ends up doing all these things at the request of the abuser, but never does it right because the abuser forgets (or even worse changes their mind without disclosure) what they instructed the abusee to do. The abusee can never explain the correct side of the story because abusers see their own power as a right to construct reality- as they see fit- for those which they have power over.

Sadly, it can take a long time to see comedy in all the ways which I have been tossed around at somelse’s whim. I’ve learned that once I laugh over a situation, I am more able to rationally deal it with and therefore end up relaxing because I start to express less defensive emotions in future encounters. From there I can see how the content is not worth reacting to because each situation is just a drug people can chose to feed off to get their power abusing fix. At the point it is just a game where I am a player capable of choosing not to play.

A Day in the Life…..

A Day in the Life…..

An employee sends an email to her boss requesting to leave early for the day to get a flawed lens replaced in her new glasses. After 30 minutes the boss has yet to respond and it is now only 45 minutes from the time requested to leave. So the employee sends an Instant message to the boss because she is sure that the boss’s attention will be grabbed and she will get a quick response to her simple, practically trivial, question. No response.

Thinking the boss maybe out of her office, she asks another employee if she has seen the boss. The other employee answers, “yes, she’s there, so she definitely saw your IM.” A wave of dread crashes over the employee. “What problem is she going to find with such a simple question? Or at least she could let me know if she is busy…”

After 10 minutes of wondering, the boss finally messages back… “Can you come in here so we can discuss it?”

Head down, the employee walks into the boss’s office. The boss is sitting there with a fake botox smile, points to the employee’s glasses and says suspiciously, “so, are those the glasses you’ve got there?”

The employee quizzically responds, “yes.”

“You don’t have another pair?” asks the boss, who, unlike usual, hasn’t removed her reading glasses.

“No,” says the confused employee as the boss squints over her own ornate, out-of-style glasses as if trying to see a problem with the employee’s glasses. The employee thinks to herself, “Why would it matter if I have another pair? No matter what, I’d still have to get the lens replaced in this pair before the place closes.”

“Well don’t you think you should call the optometrist first and let them know you are coming?” asks the boss.

“That’s the whole reason I need to go, they called and told me the lens was ready, so I need to get there before they close so they have time to fit it properly,” answered the employee politely.

“Oh, so you have called them,” says the big-eyed boss, now looking through her reading glasses. “I was going to say it would be much more productive if they know you’re coming, so it’s no problem, you can go.”

The employee, confused, heads back to her desk…. “Did she really call me in there to tell me how productive it would be for me to call the optometrist first?”

Bipolar Behavior

Bipolar Behavior

The most annoying aspect of an over expression of annoyance or anger is the transition by way of guilt . How one passes from positive to negative emotions I think plays an important part in their behavior towards other people. If I were to get into a positive mood by relaxing, reading, playing golf, etc. and completely moving into a positive mood unrelated to the negative state of mind then the forthcoming actions, when presented with that negative situation, is different than if I convinced myself that I have gone too far and used that realization to further “make up” for my previous over expression of emotion. Thus being able to be overly nice later is not honest because it would not have happened had I not been in a bad mood yesterday. Some people just need to be bitches in order to get to that super nice state of mind they probably wish they could always be in.

In reality, it is best to simply own your bad mood, possibly admit to those who took the brunt of it that you were wrong to get that heated or at least, completely address it to yourself so you can better understand yourself. Then, and this is key, return to homeostasis! Don’t go on a super overly nice spree because it is way, way obvious that your doing it because of yesterday’s behavior and just don’t want to address it by admitting you read way too far into the email for some stupid, emotionally reactive ego protecting reason. Beyond that, you’ll burn yourself out because most probably the people you are now trying really hard to be overly nice to, probably don’t deserve THAT much niceness. Knowing this, you will eventually get bitter and play the game called “Look at how nice I’ve been to you” and end up getting really, really pissed off at nothing once the wick of your Nice candle gets blow out by some common minor annoyance, which, had you been maintaining homeostasis, would have hardly been noticeable.

The Routine Life

The Routine Life

Are you ready to be bored? And skip a few lines? Or even think to yourself as you close this note, “Why is she writing this?”

I wake up every day between 6:30 and 7:00am depending on if the sun covered by fog or not and especially if the blinds are turned up or down. It is easier to wake up to the sun than to my new ambient cell phone ring tone, but I still need another alarm clock that I stole off my dad’s night stand (he doesn’t need it and hasn’t come looking for it since I took it two months ago).

I get ready with the same enthusiasm everyday but depending on whether or not I apply a darker shade of eye shadow and if I took a shower the night before or that morning, I might look like a drowned rat or a pampered princess. So these little subtleties are mere variations in my routine that have a rather large impact upon how my personality is perceived through out the day.

The fact that I do not rise joyfully to meet my day also plays a part because my tiredness and longing to relax as I lazily sleep in causes me to sacrifice vital time that I might otherwise use to dry my hair straighter. On those mornings where the sun pulls me out of sleep gently as it rises I tend to have much more energy to tend to things that a dark room encourages me to shun.

My days are constricted by my job and despite the lack of circulation, this desk job allows me ample time to indulge in a hobby of drinking tea.

Work

Work

The eulogists of work Behind the glorification of ‘work’ and the tireless talk of the ‘blessings of work’ I find the same thought as behind the praise of impersonal activity for the public benefit: the fear of everything individual. At bottom, one now feels when confronted with work- and what is invariably meant is relentless industry from early till late- that such work is the best policy, that it keeps everybody in harness and powerfully obstructs the development of reason of covetousness [this means: inordinately or wrongly desirous of wealth or possessions; greedy.] of the desire for independence. For it uses up a tremendous amount of nervous energy and takes it away from reflection, brooding, dreaming, worry, love, and hatred; it always sets a small goal before one’s eyes and permits easy and regular satisfactions. In that way a society in which the members continually work hard will have more security: and security is now adored as the supreme goddess. And now – horrors!- it is preciously the “worker” who has become dangerous. ‘Dangerous individuals are swarming all around.’ And behind them, the danger of dangers: the individual.” -Nietzsche

In “life as viewed by Me” I continuously make the mistake of assuming people know what I know, or at least can relate to where I’ve learned what I know, which is true in many many respects but not all, and most importantly not always the issues i view as important.

On a typical day I, luckily, drive traffic free to the office, arriving within 3 to 8 minutes late (I’m never quite sure because all my clocks show different times. I do this to trick myself into thinking I am late when I really am not, so then I will be closer to on-time, but the real effect is that I’ve made myself confused as to what time it really is and therefore give up trying to figure out the time…anyways…) Once arriving at work I grab some tea or coffee then start working on the task at hand.

Essentially something needs to be done, pieces need to be organized and processed into a usable and efficient package. Accomplishing this small goal is much the same regardless of what the job is. First I scan the chaos of raw material to pick out the most obvious parts to start with. Using my tools I process the raw materials and after X amount of time have transformed them relevant to the blueprints of what I was instructed should be the finished product.

The repetition of this robot process leads me to grasp to any distraction which provides and excuse for temporary relief of the monotony. My grumbling belly, chance for conversation with my neighbor, the beep of a text message, all these I either welcome the chance and opportunity to tend to or I make a mental note that nature is calling and I must give into the interruption sometime in the near future.

The hour for lunch is my time to indulge in myself, to read and daydream about how I would react if life were this other way or that, or if so and so was here, or what is really going on. I love to spend it alone with my books and only rarely do I find someone else worthy enough to spend this time with.

I leave work at exactly the minute I am allowed to depart and I drive home in a daze, carefully sucking in the life that has been ignored and put on a shelf for the last 10 hours.

“A traveler who has seen many countries and peoples and several continents was asked what human traits he had found everywhere; and he answered: men are inclined to laziness. Some will feel that he might have said with greater justice: they are all timorous [this means: subject to fear; timid]. They hide behind customs and opinions. At bottom, every human being knows very well that he is in the world just once, as something unique, and that no accident, however strange, will throw together a second time into a unity such a curious and diffuse plurality: he knows it, but hides it like a bad conscious – why? From fear of his neighbor who insists on convention and veils himself with it. But what is it that compels the individual human being to fear his neighbor, to think and act herd-fashion, and not to be glad of himself? A sense of shame, perhaps, in a few rare cases. In the vast majority it is the desire for comfort, inertia – in short, that inclination to laziness of which the traveler spoke. He is right: men are even lazier than they are timorous, and what they fear most is the troubles with which any unconditional honestly and nudity would burden them. ” Nietzsche