When something has been a habit or other form or reoccurring trend in life often times it is but a symptom of some- probably- underlying issue, or so I have come to notice, especially in the realm of thoughts and behaviors which stand out or have more extreme effects on my otherwise calm presence. The acknowledgment that “this is happening for a reason” is actually the moment when your subconscious mind (call it anything you you you like) finally got the message through that an conflict is at hand which cannot be balanced on the level at which the SC usually goes about its business. Perhaps to, I have resisted some natural tendency too much and the SC must therefore take more drastic and stronger measures in an attempt to maintain homeostasis and keep you in what it believes is your natural balance.
So I am my own puzzle. These thoughts from my past which haunt me are just reminders of something. On the surface, I’ve learned what to avoid or what is not wanted for basic survival of the self, but there is more to it. I have thought these thoughts many, many times over and over again and my reaction to them has turned to disgust. Which is abnormal for thoughts that didn’t originate such an extreme response from me. What is still abnormal is that I haven’t forgotten them yet. Compared to similar thoughts, of which I couldn’t wait for a time when I wouldn’t remember anything more than the blank space in my mind cabinet that it once filled, these are be played and displayed consistently. I think this is just another layer of life that I have to work through; this one just has different attributes and it took me longer to realize that yet another layer of unresolved issues has been cleared leaving this odd one in full bloom. I guess the next question is: Is this constant uncovering of issues normal? I guess it is a good thing that my biggest haunting only stretches back less than two years ago.
I’ve been indulging myself in a somewhat guilty pleasure lately… well not lately… okay once lately, but most in the recent past. So I figured the best way to really get all my anger over my ex boyfriend abandoning me two years ago was to break the silence that I oh so enjoyed imposing upon him and send him all my anger via email (could be worse…. but he was afraid to actually call me once I gave him the okay [insert evil laugh here]).
It felt great, it felt awesome, I so so so wish I had more to get out of my system but then I realized that I’m still telling him how I feel about him. After all when I thought I was in love with him, I told him I love him… so why can’t I tell him that I hate him now that I realize he completely screwed me over?
Same same. no?
I can feel the boys cringe. There is nothing worse than an angry woman… run run run for the hills! He pissed me off and unfortunately he never learned the magic woman-neutralizing actions to make the situation better (well he was told it, but I doubt he was listening…. no he wasn’t listening)
But it is dangerous to really piss me off. I’m one of those people who is so so patient, so so nice and so so there for you….. until…. until…. you hit the button. The BIG button! Which encompasses treating me like a worthless piece of shit FOR NO GOOD REASON! Forget working it out or even acknowledging it, baby. Then feeling hurt because I’m mad at you for abandoning me.
Luckily I no longer give anyone that kinda power over me. I find my walls extremely peaceful because the only dramas are the daydreams I create in my head stories i read in my books, which… are fun and exciting dramas that don’t cost me anything to play out.
Being somewhat of an immensely yoga influenced person I find that it does help once in a while to step back from life and view it from a detached position so as better to see what is going on, especially in my mind. On a necessary occasion I like to try and think about nothing and not let any thought grab my attention no matter how badly I want to take hold of the reins and ride the thought into the sunset. By doing this I can see from the sidelines how the content of my life affects me.
I’ve known forever that I am a daydreamer, I love daydreaming. Daydreams are different to other thoughts in life because they are purely for entertainment purposes and ways to fill time while in meetings, brushing my teeth, walking around campus, trying to fall asleep at night, etc. Those are great but I have (in the somewhat recent past) developed a shift in my thinking. I’ve gotten in the habit of daydreaming on my life, my real life. I don’t make up pure fictional stories like I used to, I simply use the outside world as fuel for my everyday inner world, which I probably have always done, but I used to use more imaginary figures and places… (I spent 10 years with my nose in scifi/fantasy books… what do you expect?) Anyways, so I feel like I am drowning in my over active imagination, which consists of a multitude of events in my life that have never happened to me or probably won’t.
So taking a few-minute break from my thoughts was a great idea because it allowed thoughts to pop up on my mind screen and after instantly acknowledging them out of habit, I saved them for later, all before I grabbed hold of them which prevented them from fully being played out and reacted to. So you see… these thoughts that have often taken over my time, have only done so because I have allowed them to.
It isn’t easy fighting a mental program once the program has established itself and is propagating how it fulfills my needs, but sometimes enough is just enough. I have to stamp out useless thought programs fully to keep my mind strong.