Tag Archives: adult

Jumping the Gun Because You Want to Force Yourself to Feel a Feeling

Jumping the Gun Because You Want to Force Yourself to Feel a Feeling

One thing about being an adult is the idea that by now you should know what you are doing. You’ve been exposed to gender, age, role, etc. differences long enough to at least walk around as if you know what is up (or “what is on”… for all my aussies out there) and that you are doing what is in line with what you expect of yourself. There is a plan in front of you with space for additions and alterations so all is in line for you too keep trekking along happily.

Then the typical Spider Man comes outta freakin’ no where, picks you up and drops you off in a place that wasn’t part of your plan, then disappears into the night, the airport, the subway…(this is your story so you fill in those details). No Biggy… you’re, after all, capable of adapting quite well so you alter the plan (because that is why you made it malleable in the first place) and continue trekking.

Then the thought hits you, “There is something about what just happened that I want to explore more. how do I get that to happen again?”

With your eyes pealed you continue to go about your everyday existence and nothing is happening. There is no spark in any of the seemingly, potential spark-like events you’ve encountered. You decide you’ve got to take matters into your own hands and not let any opportunities pass you by. With your cat woman costume (boys pick your own costume) on, you prowl around on this new path you are creating for yourself, then FINALLY, you find something you can work with. Spark!, here it is, lets go! “Where is it gonna take me?”

While riding this wave you realize, “Oh shit, what have I just gotten myself into? Do I really want this right now?” Panicky, you jump off the wave despite the fact that it is still calling you. You desperately try to return to your pre-super hero state, wipe your forehead with a big PHEW and lay low for a while.

All is good until you start thinking about the wave. It wasn’t so bad, what were you so afraid of? It was honestly more exciting than any other 9-5. “Shall I give it another round?” you think, “Yeah why not?” You stand up, go into the phone booth and put your super woman suit on (guys, you take the super man costume for this one).

Just as you walk out of the booth, Batman comes outta freakin’ nowhere and BAM! Punches you in the face, knocking you to the ground as he yells, “AMATEUR!!!” and walks away.

Figuratively, of course.

Building Monuments

Building Monuments

It is interesting to notice when people do as they are told and compare that to when they rebel. I am wondering what happens when an adult goes against what I am asking them to do, not because it makes sense, but blatantly rebelling for their own reasons, only to much later do exactly as I request, once again for their own reasons. As if I finally provided them with the bricks to build another emotional monument… one they can carry on their backs and use occasionally to stumble under the pressure of.

People can build monuments to any emotion. Loss is a great one to build it to, because it will be on the back of the minds of everyone who bore witness to it or contributed to the creation of the blue prints. The individual will be forgiven for bad behavior because it is widely known the importance of the piece of life that was lost. Having gone through a totally personal and unique experience, one can therefore (often subconsciously) hide in the shadow of their monument to what was lost and reap in benefits from others who subtly sense the monument builder’s new found weaknesses.

The builder thus starts a new cycle of gaining support (not a goal of living a happy, fulfilled life) but just for the sake of getting help and assurance that it is right to build his monument. So you can see that he will fill his workforce with people who need distractions themselves from the gaps in their own lives (chosen or not) and therefore sacrifice themselves to the needs of the monument, they too can now live in its shadow and pay homage to it because it is the only reason they were able to slither into the world of the monument builder and use his resources for shelter from their own cold, beaten, continuously abandoned hearts.

You can see that it is in the best interest of the workers to never let the builder ever realize that this monument does not have to be built. He is thus allowing himself to be taken as a fool…and will blindly continue to do so.

The builder is in fact safe to regain the pieces lost if only he would not spend so much effort building a monument and use that creative energy to fight properly and tactfully for what was lost. This becomes more difficult as the construction process nears completion. The further he goes, the more he is under the supervision of his own workers, who he, deceptively, feels now depend upon him for happiness and support. This is an illusion, they don’t care for him, they are just using him to fill their own gaps for the time being. They are not evil in a sense, just not emotionally fulfilled and happy in their own lives, which isn’t a horrible thing, but they are not the properly progressive influences that the builder stubbornly feels they are. When they themselves realize that they are capable of filling their gaps they will leave the builder to build yet another monument to loss, taking with them the pieces of him they can still use while shitting on the rest. Thus he had cursed himself to work through life as Sisyphus does (you might want to look up the ‘myth of Sisyphus’).

The goal is to notice when you are using a piece of life to build a monument and once you see it, stop building it. Don’t be afraid to face the real motives of construction (workers, building materials, etc), it is better to face reality than keep running to hide from it because once faced, you are then free to happily focus on the far more beautiful and talented aspects of life, including those you once gave up on.

Stability

Stability

I have diagnosed a very simple reason for a very big cause of misery in life, which my be obvious to others, but since I tend to be completely oblivous to myself, I have just figured out my issue.

It isn’t that I expect the world to be stable and reliable, it is just that I was so accustomed to it being so. In my, more or less, predictable upbringing there really weren’t any sudden tragedies. Nope, not too many in comparison to those of the people I have met and those I enjoy having as friends. By the time some tragic situations hit me I was pretty much old enough to not be so affected by the ‘mystery’ of trauma and drama that affect children in a much different way than more adult-like persons such as I found myself at the time. The elderly, as well as those who were once our puppies, pass on, friends and lovers pop in and out of my bubble of existence (some in more dramatic ways than others), parents get ill and recover, etc. Other items of my life that would be labeled as unstable (many of which seem minor or rediculous to outsiders) have always been unstable and thus I find stability in those particular unstable cases, well, they are actually more stable, or at least reasonably so, in comparison to my life as it has been in Sydney and those times closely before.

My ‘baseline,’ that fortune has drawn for me, of what is stable and what is not, is the cause of some misery mentioned above. I have wasted countless hours recently lost with the most perplexed, twisted eyed look on my face over why my life doesn’t work out so smoothly as suggested by people, plans, travel itineraries, etc. Still I’m a bit wide eyed at where the epicenter of these mental and emotional earthquakes is seemingly located. Had I realized this sooner I could have been well past the point of needing to type this out and probably getting myself involved in something else that I wil probably only fully understand after the fact. At least if that were the case I’d be one step ahead of now, sooner, making my present more productive and even possibly more fun.

But moving forward, I’m suggesting that if I continue to rely on my external reality, like I was accustomed to for 24 years, I will become increasingly more unstable. I feel as though I’ve let too much of my emotions to be triggered and validated by the outside world, and it seems to be a rather big mistake that I increasingly keep making.

Realizing this, I’m not sure what to do. ‘ Trial and error’ still seems the way to effectively accept and reject the external pieces in life, but the ‘error’ part has to be the most disheartening aspect that I really don’t want to face anymore, or, at least, I need a break from. How many errors are the limit before I should throw my hands up and say ‘I’m done!’? How much instability and broken suggestions is cause for rejection? And what do I do when I have accepted something that fortune & fate is pulling away from me? I just think it is sad to find something so special and matching of my inner world and not be able to take it along with me in my travels.

Hopefuly more to come on patients, tolerance, and indecisiveness

Flash Packing, Faith, and Compromise

Flash Packing, Faith, and Compromise

Next time I travel I want to do it in style. Granted I have learned much about myself but honestly I need another vacation from my vacation from my vacation, which points to home. I really love that home is going to be a vacation for a while and it will be nice to snuggle into my bed where only I exist and all of this will be a dream.

I have so many thoughts to pour out but they always seem to hide when it is time for me to get them out.

Faith and compromise have been the major themes to this adventure of mine. Actually it hasn’t been a proper adventure. The east coast of Australia is extremely overrated. Perhaps I think this because I’m not an 18 years old and I’m not even a backpacker at all. Sure all my stuff is carried from one place to the next in my backpack, but backpacking, truly, is far more hardcore than this. I’ve just been budget traveling… and I’m sick of it. I would have rather done it “flash packer” style with a rented car or camper van and definitely some nice hotels instead of hostels.

Back to faith and compromise:
It is nice to come across people who have restored my faith in, well, people. I have realized that I have become an extremely stubborn person. When I first got to Sydney I felt kind of strange with the thought that I can do whatever I want whenever I want to, but almost a year and a half later that behavior has become natural to me to the point that I really have no idea how to compromise. My first thought at any compromise is “I don’t have to compromise, because well not to many others I know do.” Honestly… I’m just speaking about men here. All my girls are as good as gold. But boys… my gosh… being an adult isn’t about just being proud that you’re doing what you want and proving to me with your actions that you aren’t going to give in to me. There are guys who actually try and try again… maybe because they know what they want and are so sound in themselves that the first ‘no’ or apprehension from me doesn’t shake their path to the goal. Or they actually want to hang out with me…. hhmmm I guess there are people who wouldn’t want to hang out with me… but I really would rather not think about that. This concept is new to me because I have no way of getting to my goals with guys, all my efforts seem to fail or provide little feedback so I abandon the mission.

This is just the first piece of ‘the idiots guide to me’ that I think I’ll post up here… because my verbal communication skills really don’t relay enough information about me. I can only tell when asked and if no one is asking and just assumes, they really won’t know me.

It is defiantly true that I will say ‘no’ to you at first, I just will if your idea is far off from the plan I have in my mind. That plan BTW isn’t concrete and I’m relearning that other people’s plans could produce highly desirable circumstances. I am just stubborn and need facts and perhaps a debate; I like debating, especially with a smile 🙂

All this goes out the window with disposable relationships though… they can’t last without huge compromises offering hopes on a word that may have no history of reliability and probably a lot of time in between… sigh…

I’m just bored with myself.