Tag Archives: all sorts

On Work

On Work

An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind.  Rework worries me.  I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself.  Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.

Rework makes me feel like shit.  Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true.  It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault.  But I often blame myself, not cognitively.  The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage.  It is a mess.  When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.”  I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework.  Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears.  Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.

I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process.  Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off.  Sigh… it never ends….

 

On the few I wish I Never Met

On the few I wish I Never Met

There are a few people who I wish I never met.  The few fantastic or enjoyable moments spent with them were in no way worth the years of being reminded of them.  I think it was just that I was left in limbo, a place of constantly being unsure of what was going on in my life.  The existence of this unknown area, where I was powerless to express myself without being ignored or pushed aside, cause me all sorts of confusion.  The world usually worked a certain way, but with this person all the usual ways were not the right way, all the simple gestures were not noticed, all the words I spoke were not as clear as they needed to be, and so on.  It was almost as if I were silently being told “if you want me in your life then you’re going to have to suffer for it first: you’re going to have to wait, you’re going to have to be broken down, you’re going to have to be granted permission.”  I just didn’t want it to be that way, I wanted it work.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that life doesn’t work with everyone, what I haven’t come to terms with is how long it can take me to realize that sometimes.  I’m tired of feeling embarrassed for it.

The Mediocre-Case Senario

The Mediocre-Case Senario

With many things, except money, I often do not dread the worst-case scenario the most.  I dread the mediocre scenario.  This is because if the worst-case happens, I am pretty damn sure that I will not go do it again.  I will rationalize all sorts of reasons for why that particular “worst” is definitely not going to enter into my paradigm ever again, and I will build coping mechanisms (i.e. habits) that ward against these defined “worsts”.

But after having gone through a mediocre scenario, the passion derived from the “worst” escapes me.  I have no real reason to repeat and no real reason not to repeat.

It is like a bad date, I know I will never see and/or date the guy again because of the disastrous events and feelings associated with the date, but at least I have a funny, drama filled story to tell.  But a mediocre date, oh god, I could be doomed to repeat the same vanilla over and over in my efforts to force some value or at least a tickle of a feeling of excitement.  But that is just one example.

The point is not to avoid the mediocre, it is to know what mediocre means and to learn from it sooner, rather than later.  Identifying the mediocre makes the exciting shine.

Day Dream Derivatives

Day Dream Derivatives

There is a certain pattern to daydreams that I’ve taken note of lately. As with anything that has been occurring for ages, but only recently has become worth noting, this pattern has become a problem (without the negative connotation). “Problem” meaning simply something to solve or get something extra out of because the pieces just don’t fully make sense with my current mode of thinking.

The pattern is as such: a outside occurrence (trigger) gets me thinking of some story to keep my mind occupied or distracted. The topic is of no consequence, the only criteria is that it fills me with some sort elation and intense need to play out the entire story over and over until all the loose ends are figured out and I have one linear daydream. The process is the best part, I get to feel all sorts of emotions which my everyday life doesn’t have (perhaps I don’t actually want in my everyday life) and I’m the one creating the story so I can imagine all sorts of possibilities that are off limits to the put-downs of outsiders. Of course when I encounter a situation in these daydreams that I dislike, I can still play out the drama, but then later decide that I wouldn’t want that to happen so I can go back to any part in the story and recreate the ending from there. I imagine I could write real stories this way… I would just have to record my voice because typing takes too long. Who knows, people may like it, the only problem being that I use real people as characters in these day dreams so I’d have to disguise them somehow. (I know, I’m not supposed to mediate on real people, I know I know, bad habit, because it distorts my perception of who they really are…but that is for another note)

Anyways, so that is the daydream pattern. Probably not too dissimilar to your own. But the “problem” comes along when I realize that my end product daydream is actually obtainable for me and I would really like it to happen. There is one piece that lets me know whether or not the idea is actually capable of happening: The beginning. Often these daydreams start as some sort of life altering event occurring that takes me into a whole new world or stage of life. Like, Prince Charming shows up and I suddenly don’t mind giving up my single freedoms… that sort of “outta the blue, completely change of behavior and outlook on things” type of cheesiness. (Day dreams are full of cheesy scenarios, don’t try to ly, I know yours are too, I blame Disney).

The thing with “the beginning” is that it cannot be planned as such. One cannot plan sending in a resume in response to a simple Craigslist job ad and suddenly having the job of your dreams, because things like that tend not to happen on cue. But once you do have the job of your dreams you can work with it, but there is no viable way of getting it suddenly or with luck.

What I am saying is that those sudden things you would need to happen in your life to get you to the next phase or step cannot be planned for because who knows if and how they could actually start to happen. But sometimes you do actually have a “beginning” that is reasonable and involves simple action on your part to get the ball rolling. Those are the viable daydreams to focus on, because you can actually make those happen, or at least take steps to see if you were right in believing that you would actually enjoy it if it did happen.

So “the beginning” is actually the last step in the dreaming process for me. I’ve got to play out the normal, nitty-gritty aspects of an idea to see if I like the idea before I can even think of where to begin, otherwise I would keep starting a whole bunch of things only to find out later that I don’t actually like doing it. And I’ve done a lot of pretty awesome things in life so far, so I don’t doubt that this method didn’t contribute to all that. There are probably other ways of getting me into action, but so far, my mental forecasts have done the job well enough.

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts

I want to write but have nothing specific to write about. So I’m going to just ramble. I’ve been thinking about the lifestyle choices of some people and I do not understand their reasoning behind the big picture of what they are doing in life. Do they see a big picture? Some people do not care about the big picture. Other people seem to see opportunities as a waste of time or effort. I like to do cool things, so I tend to figure out what needs to be done to get where I want to go and start heading in that direction. I get really frustrated when other people do not care to do what it takes to get where they claim to want to go. They find so many excuses, excuses that often are valid in the short term, but amazingly deceptive in the long term. For example, people just freakin’ love to eat, eat, and eat some more. So people find all sorts of colorful ways to justify why they need to eat so much. Exercising seems to be the most popular excuse I have heard. “I exercise so I must eat so much.” no no no…you just love your food enough to harm yourself. People want to think they can exercise off all that food they are eating without having to adjust their lifestyle. Just find another hobby, like restructuring your habits. Imagine the person you want to be and just be that person, it takes practice, lot of practice, but I enjoy practicing so maybe you should learn how to enjoy practicing too. I get so tired of everything revolving around food as some sort of magical experience, when in reality people have some sort of fear of starvation and they just don’t realize that it isn’t a steady food supply that they are afraid of not having access to. I’m not so afraid of starvation as I am of poisoning (believe it or not). I don’t like people coming into my world and messing it up. Any new addition to life must make it better or easier or more delightful; I must be better off in some regard than I was before I accepted a new addition otherwise the silence grows. This isn’t to say that I don’t see the value in things growing over time, quite the opposite because I do enjoy the fruits of my labor, even if the undertaking of that labor did make life more miserable in the short run. Down times in life are just as inevitable as up times and I definitely will push through tough times as best I can, but I have to see what my effort is going toward. Choosing rebellions wisely is something not very many people are good at. Usually people just need to express some sort of power and the actual topic they choose to rebel against is the easiest to conquer and rationalize for them. They pick a sure bet that will get people’s attention. Unfortunately other people actually believe them. Being gullible is definitely a good reason to stay indoors… It is amazing once you realize who actually does not think for themselves. They think, and think a lot, but seem to always be seriously contemplating advice from horrible sources. It is sad when you come across someone like this because there is nothing you can do, they don’t dream to live it out one day, they just dream to make today easier to get through.

People Who Base Their Opinion of You on What Their Friends Say

People Who Base Their Opinion of You on What Their Friends Say

Most of my friends, I’d say, have cool friends… who I find fun to hang out with and get to know. But a few times in the past I’ve been stuck having to hang out with someone who I don’t particularly enjoy just so I can hang out with my cool friend. When put in that situation all sorts of thoughts run through my head. this included the thought that maybe my friend has horrible taste in people, then I realize that they have chosen me as a friend, so…. what does that say about me if they have horrible taste in friends? Then I realize that some people are just social whores who have a very basic definition of what a friend actually is and therefore have heaps of acquaintances whom they refer to as friends. Since I normally can’t function coherently in diluted relationships I rule out that explanation as well, because, I wouldn’t be there if I felt the relationship was diluted.

The worst though, is when one of those friend of friends points out things about me that they don’t like. All of a sudden my friend sees me through the prospective of their friend who obviously isn’t compatible with me otherwise I wouldn’t dread hanging out with that person. “yeah, you know what.?.?. You’re right, she is like that” my friend says to their friend. The conversation probably continues on as they build together their agreement about me- which serves as a private bond between them from which they are able to read each other’s silent facial expressions, in my presence, confirming their private conclusions about me.

At that point I realize that my friend whore is either not capable of monitoring their own influences or they are willing to find any reason under the sun to relate to their friend more, even that the expense of me. I have seen it both ways. The end result is usually my distance, which I don’t mind at that point because I will do anything not to have to hang out with that friend of my former friend, what a relief!

Another shitty thing is when a friend can only think I am as cool as his friends say I am. You will see this when you meet new friends whose friends have already heard A LOT about you, and I mean A LOT. Like these people can tell you about yourself for 5 drunken minutes. So there you are on your pedestal, freaked out because you’re only that cool to that one person because he fills a specific friend role for you and you tend to treat that archetypal role much different than people you just met at a party. So inevitably, you get a lectured later on what everyone at the party thought of you and/or what you should work on for next time as if you are socially challenged.

So it was my mistake I shouldn’t have subjected myself to these parties because I didn’t go to the party to hang out with THEM, I was there because YOU invited ME and I like hanging out with YOU. So cut me some slack for passing out early because the friend whores at your parties are boring.