Expectations can be rather confusing once one asks: where do they come from? Ideas. Sometimes created by you, other times from external sources. To try to never expect something from someone or a certain situation is rather difficult, for example, when some one asks me to participate in something, I am naturally going to inquire about the details of the situation. From there I formulate an expectation of what I am getting myself into for preparation purposes. Sometimes I am happy with the outcome, sometimes I am not…it is difficult to figure out exactly why.
Some people are more accurate in projecting my level of enjoyment in events, other people (I have learned through trial and too much error) to just never join them. That’s why I am trying new things: to see if I like it or not.
Sometimes I don’t realize that I’ve been trying new things again. New things just pop up and lately happen to randomly happen within a small amount of time. I don’t realize until after the fact that I have tried three new things and the reason I’m confused over my experiences of them is that I happen to try three new things in a row that I didn’t enjoy very much. I didn’t really realize the trend I was on. So, essentially, I need to keep trying new things until I find some new things that do leave me feeling cheery. I have this habit of sticking to the plan, and sometimes when the plan doesn’t happen, I only make it worse by trying to figure out why the plan didn’t happen. When in reality, there was no plan, just an idea that would have been better to take with a teaspoon of salt.
The thing about spending enormous amounts of time alone is that you get to see first hand human socialization habits, as just that, habits, well more than just habits…. More like a series of pointless, often useless, and emotionally draining habits. Okay, okay, I won’t completely drag it down here; many of them are indeed fulfilling, useful, and personally rewarding. But unfortunately we have just been exposed to them and when we, for some reason, didn’t pull off the habit as well as others, we have spent an enormous amount of time trying and retrying to get them right and “fit in.”
This means we continually subject ourselves to other people for the purpose of fitting in to some sort of club only because at one point we thought we weren’t quite good enough to get into but we wanted to get in. In reality, we were in the club, just not the role we wanted for ourselves.
Our role was to be the person who never got it right, no matter what we did because once we got it right, the rules changed to keep us as the people in the club that the other members could talk about behind our back and use us as a conversational past time to avoid confronting themselves and their own ridiculous ways. Now once you’ve been in the club for a while you realize you aren’t the only one who is in this role, there are others in your same class of people who are never allowed to get things right.
Some of us may chose to ignore what I believe are negative aspects of this role and just accept the role in the club you have been given because deep down you need these people to make you feel at ease inside yourself (for reasons undiscovered thus far by me), regardless of how often you notice insiders casting quick smirking glances between each other when your sense of expressing yourself confirms something they noticed in a prior confidence.
Now all this depends upon the context of why these people keep inviting you around. There are plenty of times I am willing and able to make fun of myself and allow others to do so, but the difference is I want to be in that role.