Some of my nuttiness stems from my belief that if I am not satisfied with what’s going on around me then I must do something about it in order to achieved a more desirable state of being.
The problem with this is that I am not always able to assess the aspects of my situation to realize where I actually do not the have power to change things. So then I keep trying and trying and trying again and end up just being somewhat pushy (or at least thinking that I have overstepped some sort of boundary) until I find something else to focus that energy on. This explains some of the strange things I end up doing or saying in the presence of newer friends (I already have boundaries with the old ones, that’s why I like them). When I have energy for a person, I really can’t handle not knowing where I stand with them and even worse not being in the most desirable positioning relative to them.
So my pushiness is generally in response to me seeing that there is a problem that I think I can solve through different techniques and approaches (letting the energy out as best I can), or…. I cannot solve the problem but don’t realize that the solution is beyond my means.
Aside from pushiness I have really one other approach. Completely backing off and living with the problem in my own head (holding the energy in). The silent time allows me to really think about it and make analogies to the past so I can reassess what is going on as well as get some practical stuff done in the rafters.
The problem with this “in your face, now I’m hiding” behavior is that I completely disregard the fact that some people like having other people around all the time and a sudden absence leaves a huge veil of uncertainty hovering. Me being completely unaware of the veil of uncertainty, jump right back into relationships where I left off, all happy and content because I’ve solved some puzzles of life in my head while I was away. While the person I return to, is more than just a little confused.
Sensing their confusing, I see another problem and thus either push through it or retreat again. I can’t seem to find a middle ground.