Tag Archives: antidote

On Guilt

On Guilt

When I partake in a guilty pleasure, for days afterward I am hyper vigilant that someone is going to call me out on it.  Typically though, I am only called out on those pleasures for which I feel no guilt.  So then, why am I expecting a negative reaction when I feel as though I have done something to feel guilty over?  It must just be the effects of guilt, an emotion for which there seems to be no antidote for.

I often don’t realize that I feel guilty until I start to wonder why certain memories keep flashing into my mind.  At that point I simply ask myself, “why are those few seconds of life so significant?”  From there I shift through all past memories which I find are associated with this reoccurring thought and deduce a common theme.  Guilt is tricky though because it is not an emotional which I like to admit I feel.  By having a habit of avoiding it, I find that there are many other memories that have been left untagged by the guilt category, making the mess a rather large, draining chore.

But still with guilt, is isn’t like other emotions in that acknowledging it neither fully takes away its uncomfortable residue nor does it give me new habit to practice so as to make future situations less stressful.  I’m am simply left feeling guilty and knowing it.

That makes me think that my propensity to feel guilty has less to do with the actual behaviors which excited the guilt in me and more to do with a need to feel far more guilty in life than is really necessary.  Therefore the guilt in me is hungry for reasons to get its fair share of my waking life and thus attaches itself to situations simply because it has greater power than a more desirable emotion like joy.  While this reasoning makes sense to me, it still doesn’t dissipate my discomfort.  There must be something else going on in addition to the guilt…. perhaps it will surface in another note…

Social Experiments

Social Experiments

The problem with conducting social experiments is that I am playing two roles. Role A is the Experimenter who, based on need for greater insight into my own behavior patterns, has formulated a plan for testing out a hypothesis. Role B is reacting naturally to external stimuli that I have placed in front of me through a scene setup depicted by Role A.

So once I find a good enough situation (recognition of which is usually a split second “Initiate Experiment Now!” resonating in my head) to conduct my experiment in, then I am still left to pick up the post-experiment pieces. Which is fine because a major part of the experiment is to see if I can replicate a specific type of emotional reactivity which involves everything after the fact.

This experimenting stems from me seeing how well I can get specific reactions out of people. If I am able to successfully stage a reaction, then I am more aware of past situations where maybe it was simply just my behavior that ruled the whole situation. If replication is not possible then I can rule out how tightly connected my behavior is to the external world.

A difficulty is that now the experiment itself becomes part of my past and thus to an observer who is unaware of my conscious experiments, it would seems like a pattern which has yet to be stopped. When in reality, I did it on purpose this time. Which may in itself mean I have just found another way of perpetuating that same emotional reactivity…. but no problem is going to be solved until it is either no longer a problem, or is well understood enough to apply an antidote.

For Lack of Something Better to do with my Time….

For Lack of Something Better to do with my Time….

…as well as the inability to do a task that disresembles a typical “I really am working hard, really” look… I must just type a note to keep my emotions from flaring up behind my face. If such an event, which is on the verge of happening, does occur, it will take me at least an hour to find the correct emotional antidote that should put me back on track.

If I could access myspace from here, I must admit, boldly and with all my heart, possibly my soul, and maybe a lock of hair – just for kicks, that I would rather leave this blog type-a-thingy on that profile.

Saturday morning I am going to spin down a rabbit hole and see what sort of land I end up in. Seeing as I don’t have anyone to break my fall, I hope I don’t break any porceline people upon landing in wonderland. If I do, I k now I can glue them back together, but it would really break my stone cold heart to see their faces cracked for life.

I do have some expectations for myself along the way. I plan on meeting a walking pen, with whom I’ll exchange story ideas with and perhaps get some tips and pointers on writing styles. I must indeed fall in love on my journey…with whom? You might be asking…. I’m not really sure who is left to forcast. There has been the wise wizard, the horse rider, the archer, the Hindi drunkard, a few hobbits, and…a skunk…..none more worth noting. I fell in love with them all in someway, for some reason or another. Perhaps I’m in the mood to fall in love with a philosophical sun who has the ability to bottle the happiness in me and pour a drop or two into my mouth when i’m feeling down. Or maybe a moon with a teleporting cloak who can whisk me away to his palace high in the mountains where, when no one is awake, I can walk to the cliffs and ‘throw little things off, like car parts, bottles and cutlery, or what ever I find laying around’….and go through all that so I can feel safe up there with him.

I’ll need companions, of course. I think a clever mouse, a mermaid, an inventer, oh and slithering snake. I’ll be the sorceress, with an apprentice, definately.

The plan is to jump from the cliffs, dive in shipwrecks, and twirl in circles around the clouds, eat some mushrooms and bathe energizing sunshine… all while collecting gold coins along the way. I’ll be the warrior Princess… none of this Peach pansiness, I’ll battle the bad guys with my mind altering super powers and if in a bind, then my dark knight in shining armor will rescue me from the evil boss. My knight and I will then live happily ever after. The end.