Tag Archives: back of my mind

On the Secret Thoughts

On the Secret Thoughts

I have difficulty being friends with people for two reasons:

1)   I always have negative thoughts about people swimming in the back of my mind,

2)   Everyone is always shit talking everyone else to me.

I am completely confused because deal breakers for me are not the same deal breakers for those people who are already in my world shelling out their opinion like it is Kobe Beef served at the Ritz in Osaka, Japan (as if nothing in the world could possibly be any better than their opinion).  Which is fine, but what I really hate is after I get a warning from someone, there is always that look when I go against their warning, which causes me to either have to choose sides or keep my friendship a secret.

I hate bringing my friends together in most circumstances.  I love each of them for different reasons and I can’t handle when one person I love dislikes another of equal status.  So I usually keep them all separate to preserve my own sanity.  Obviously I talk to them because they are nice people whose view of life I respect (or hope to), but goddamn, I can’t help but wonder why my friends are always at war with each other.  It must be because I am always at war with myself and the people I associate with usually complement those same competing facets of my personality.

The Evolution of Spending Time

The Evolution of Spending Time

There I was sitting in Victoria Park in Sydney with my Saturday friend. We were sitting on the hill just above the city pool intermittently people watching as he taught me how to read tarot cards. We had been in the habit of hanging out every Saturday, just killing time either at the park, the mall, just walking the streets, or watching cool concept movies at my place.

Conversation, as usual, was flowing smoothly and lead down fascinating roads, but in the back of my mind I was thinking about something else. I was thinking about how I often spent time with people because another person, who I was hoping to spend time with, was busy or didn’t want to spend time with me. Seems to be a reoccurring predicament, one that keeps me from fully enjoying the present because I still was halfway pulled away by some other longing for something that was completely out of my grasp.

In this case something different happened, my Saturday friend has now become someone I wish I could spend time with, not because he does not want to spend time with me, but just simply because of distance and I’m okay with that reason.