There is something great about new people who enjoy conversing. By conversing I mean, deep conversing about anything and everything regardless of any emotional or faux pas connotation surrounding the topic (now that I think of it, there are a few exceptions but it really just depends on what direction the conversation is going). The best is when the dialogue between us flows smoothly and neither one of us is inhibited from fully speaking what is on our minds because we both can roll with the breaks, pauses, and indications without distress or boredom.
I think what I enjoy most are tangents to the point of talking about something completely different from the root topic, then somehow going back to the starting topic as a signal that the conversation is either over, or it is time to move on to a new topic seed.
Talking is a very important connector for me because of the almost endless realm of information discovery potential. A lack of this connector between myself and someone in my world causes conflict because I don’t always know what to do with people when they aren’t so keen on chatting. Kind of dangerous because I will just fill in the gaps about them that I wish I could find out from the source. That fact that I become aware of how distorted my perception is of a specific person acts as a starting point for freeing up energy, so that I can now apply it to someone who enjoys talking as a means of getting to know me.
It is 3am and I’m wide awake because I passed out at 7 or 8 when I got home from drinking. I’ve been laying in bed 1) thinking about how comfortable it is and 2) wondering what actually excites me in life. There are so many things I do that really are only interesting because they get me moving and out of my room. But do I actually enjoy it? that is a very different question, usually my response is, “I had a good time,” which is true but most of the time my head is still in another place or wishes to be for some reason.
It is that feeling of being 100% absorbed in something that I actually crave; that is difficult to obtain with other people around. Often I think that the people I’m hanging out with would enjoy themselves more if they were hanging out with someone else who is more entertaining. Maybe I’m just bored with myself sometimes so I assume others must be as well. Actually it is really a compatibility issue because more overtly social individuals need to be entertained to have a good time. They also need you to be over the top in explaining situations you enjoyed otherwise they don’t see the fun in it and respond with suspicion.
I think it is my knowledge of these overly social types that makes me wonder if I could have had a better time. I just see how other people “enjoy” situations more than I did and I wonder what I missed. But it isn’t that I didn’t have a good time, it is just that I didn’t have a good enough time. I think someone would have enjoyed themselves more with different company because I am not always that interested in social activities unless I’m extremely interested in hanging out with the parties involved.
I’m rather apathetic towards most people, like always have one foot on the ground and take it all with a grain of salt. I just don’t really want to be connected to anyone (aside from family) any more than I already are. Some sort of freedom from being defined by my friends. I don’t really know what to do about it, or if anything needs doing. School is good because it gives me a reason to hang out with people and a base for something to talk about.
The worst is feeling alone when people are around, because when I feel alone, I want to go be alone and that is often difficult when someone is relying on you to maintain your attention to the fact that they are there with you in the moment. Like if driving in the car and the other person wants to talk and I’m just zoned out, then I have to deal with the other person not being satisfied with my entertainment skills, when I really would rather be relaxing somewhere or practicing a new dance move in my room.
The problem with relationships is that I usually wonder why the person is hanging out with me and I usually don’t have a very good answer to that question. Just killing time, I guess, with something to do and someone to do something with. I think I’m just lacking adventurous excitement and the feelings involved. It all comes back to me being immobilized until I finish school. It is a personal choice and these are just the side effects of that choice that I must bear to accomplish my goal. I’m almost a year in and I have a year left, so it should go by fast. I have a lot of things to look forward to this summer. That dance workshop in July up in LA, getting these summer school classes out of the way, so the future doesn’t seem so grim, neither really does the present. There is just some left over dread from the past in dealing with people that comes up after certain interactions that makes me feel unsure of myself, but in so many other ways, I’m fine. I just wish I could go back to sleep.
Yawn: “a deep usually involuntary intake of breath through the wide open mouth often as an involuntary reaction to fatigue or boredom.”
Depending on the situation, for me yawns can also mean:
- I am tired of being here
- I know this already
- I’ve heard this many times before
- I don’t agree but it is no use educating you on my opinion
- That’s not what I meant
- Hello, I’m here too!
- Can we do something else?
- I’d rather be doing something else
- I’ve drank too much
- My blood sugar is low
- Can I lean on you?
- I’m going to anyway
- Hug me
- There’s nothing more to talk about, but I want to keep talking
- Can we just be alone?
- I’d rather not stay on the phone much longer
- It is relaxing to talk to you
- I’m having a hard time paying attention
- Just lay down and relax with me
- This chair is uncomfortable
- I’m listening because you’re requiring it of me
- I have something to say but I’m not going to say it
It is not uncommon to apply excess meaning to natural human actions, but I think my list is a bit excessive, no? It really just evolved that way because, based on past experiences, I don’t feel it is necessary to express myself verbally. This aversion to verbal communication, though written off as passive aggressive, has indeed saved me a whole load of trouble in having to constantly stand up for myself or saved me from the repercussions of openly saying things that may hurt the other person’s feelings, or validate some negative opinion they may slightly harbor about me. The simple fact that my childhood knowledge base was not completely compatible with those of my peers causes much of what I need to say to come out in other ways. This is reinforced by my ego constantly being inflated by the information that I either withhold or don’t articulate clearly so I feel that I know something that you won’t understand.
That is in no way to mean that inadvertent actions are under my control. All this evolved and I am only noticing it after the fact… something many many many times after the fact. But regardless, I only notice it because I’ve become aware of how often I use these mechanisms to get by. This is just one of many compulsive things that make up what people call my personality. I wonder that if I didn’t communicate with yawns (as Adam terms it) and I didn’t pick my nails, or at times have to eat the same food everyday because I just can’t resist , or keep believing people will do what they said they would do, etc, then perhaps I wouldn’t have the compulsion to write about these things either, I would probably be a different person, compulsively unaware of how all of you only exist to distract me from the fact that we’re bound by these programming walls.
Aside from literal translations I also yawn:
- To get my oxygen to my brain
- To tell myself to move
- To make myself notice that something about the situation needs to be changed
- To get out the energy I would normally apply to speaking
- To make myself tired so I don’t participate
- To make myself appear tired so I don’t have to participate
- To avoid intimacy
- To buy myself more time to make a decision without having to use words
- To keep people waiting