Tag Archives: brain

On status anxiety

On status anxiety

The world is apparently flattening yet all over I still sense a need in people to cling to old forms of social class structures.  Top schools, top jobs, top companies, top designers, top top top top top.  Are we working for money or recognition?  If someone pays you a salary, you are working class.  If you live paycheck to pay check, regardless of income amount, you are broke.  If your net worth is negative, you are broke.

The standard of living gives people a false sense of social standing.  The ability to talk and act “up” also give a false sense of where they stand.  People aren’t competing against each other, people are competing against what others claim to have or be doing.  There is a big difference, especially if you encounter a habitual exaggerator who defines themselves by their dreams not by their actual accomplishments.  But anyway, why the need to compete after the contest is over?  After the good school, good work experience, good standard of living, etc.  At what point does the competitive drive just allow everyone to kick back and simply enjoy the fruits?

i guess I just want the competitive people to shut up.  It is the noise coming out of their mouth, infecting my ears that irritates me.  For some reason my brain finds meaning in it, fearful meaning.  Perhaps my sensitivity to words is just flaring up again.  The words hit at my insecurity about no being smart enough or good enough.  So whenever I hear the competitive chatter, it gets to me.  I don’t like being taunted, teased, or put down.  Words have meaning and I respect them.  Therefore I don’t use them aggressively unless I mean to, but that doesn’t mean I should expect everyone else to follow my same doctrine.

Harnessing my own insecurity would help.  If I accepted that I am perfectly fine and capable, then I could move on.  I could fill in the empty space were my old insecurity sat with something better that doesn’t listen for fearful confirmation.  I could replace it with confidence and the ability to not need to second guess myself.

Drunkeness

Drunkeness

I am drunk and in need of a rant.  Just a regular rant and at the same time, not your ordinary rant.  The distance between places seems odd to me.  My brain just doesn’t really understand how far away distant lands are.  In my mind, I can fall asleep and wake up elsewhere.  Fall asleep in LA and wake up in Vegas.  Fall asleep in San Francisco and wake up in Hong Kong.  Fall asleep in North Carolina and wake up in Paris.  And so it goes.  The world is small in modern human terms.  Life costs so much because we are programed to pay for it.  People are annoying because we hang out with them even though we already can spot an annoying character within the first glance.  My bed is comfortable because it is.  Someone is gorgeous because of his accent.  I don’t care about things because they don’t matter.  I don’t watch TV.  My world is better than yours because I live it.  Old friends aren’t friends because they are full of shit in some way.  If I could change anything about him, it would only be his location and hair cut…to start with…opps.  perhaps that means I should just find another, or go back.

How Talking is the Whole Point

How Talking is the Whole Point

“if you talk too much you might say something that upsets someone, so it is best to keep talking to a minimum.”

Isn’t the whole point to see how well you can handle someone when they are under stress?  To not want to upset someone is simply a cop-out, a brilliant dance around their emotions.  “Look! Look how well I can fool some one!  Look at how well I’ve got them figured out!”  That’s not love, that’s simply knowing that you’ve got someone at your disposal who you can take advantage of, someone who you can control to fulfill the empty pieces of yourself which you are incompetent of completing with your own mental capacities.

Someone might say you are lazy, but no, you don’t deserve that stipulation, you aren’t worthy of being called LAZY.  For lazy is a virtue due to it’s self perpetuating drive to preserve itself at the heavy cost of time and emotion.  You, you are only worthy of being called pitiful.  You waste your time seeking approval after underhanded deeds, after proving to have flirted with Satan, your self-created god still forgives you!  She is not your god.  She is your toy, a toy who at the same time does not want to admit that you are not her self-projected crush.  So fine, you be stuck in your instability.  You suffer the fate you’ve created for yourself by not just letting yourself be itself.  Go ahead, seek approval, get it, and suffer knowing how weak you are to give in to such futile existence at such an old age.  Know that no matter how far you go, your brain is still limited in it’s scope of what it can imagine.  THAT, my friend, is the metaphor we all know of as HELL.  I won’t be floating any further down the river styx on your behalf.

The Lack of Playtime

The Lack of Playtime

There is a scene close to the end of I heart Huckabees where the alleged antagonistic philosopher is explaining to two of the main guys about how life will always draw your attention outward.  No matter how much you try, you inevitably get drawn into life’s dramas.  I kind of relate the concept to how difficult chaos is to maintain because our brains continuously try to make “sense” of what we are doing and thus create order.

I was just thinking about that because it seems that the more responsibilities I have, such as work, university, family, etc. the less I remember that life is only this way because I’m human.  What I mean by that is that I see less of the BIG picture in life.  By big picture I don’t mean life plan, career path, etc.  I mean the external intricacies of how things fit together.

What I’m really trying to say is that when I’m busy I don’t have much playtime to think about what I would naturally be thinking about if I didn’t have anything external demanding my attention.  Which, in itself is a rather micro idea, one that really isn’t all that novel after all…

Retracing Back to the Starting Point

Retracing Back to the Starting Point

The difficulty in assessing the correct answer to the question: “What the Hell Happened?” is that most of the time I am still inside the situation when I start asking that question.

It isn’t until the situation dies down, to a practically non-existant level, that I can look back and see the starting line more clearly, then I realize where it all went awkward.  In hindsight, my first clue to most ackward interactions with people was in fact the first real interaction of the era.  Relationships (of any kind or magnitude) have eras, each of which have distinct characteristcs and levels of involvement which can and often do fluctuate.

So the awkwardness usually starts at the beginning of pivotal points, either when first realizing that the human body presenting itself to me actually is more than a typical drone/robot, when starting to hang out with someone again after a long period of not hanging out with that person, or when moving from acquaintance to friend.  Anyways, in two cases, I have to admit, I honestly loved the awkwardness of it.  I think it is fun and flirty.  The real spark of this writing situation, however, just plain sucked because it was set up vaguely from the start and remained that way the entire time.  I was confused.  In wondering why everything was so vague, I realized that it was me in the first place who kept playing along despite the fact that I can’t handle vagueness with people. My brain fills in the gaps with a bunch of paranoid crap that makes me delete phone numbers because I have no way of ever knowing if I will ever actually get to know certain people who keep appearing in my life.  Perhaps a post on “timing” or “people who don’t talk but still want to communicate” would be more appropriate.

Oh well, the sun is already coming up in another world, I’m sure it won’t take long to find out what is weird about this one.  There is always something weird, one must just be patient and wait for it to manifest and then choose whether or not the person is worth the weirdness and if I am capable of living with their issues.

Not Being Able to Manifest the Fun

Not Being Able to Manifest the Fun

Lately I’ve been getting really excited about my plans, then walking away from the event feeling rather, well, bored or let down or like I just wasted my time or wasted someone else’s time. I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m excited to get out and do things, but I just don’t seem to have as much fun being out as I do when I’m home doing my own thing (practicing the drum, working on dance moves, reading, listening to songs over and over and over again). I don’t feel closed off, like I’m totally willing to be talkative, but I guess there really isn’t much going on that I can expressively share aside from the usual routine of school and work.

The problem is that I don’t have anyone to dance and play the drum with: those two things are literally all I want to do. I can’t even imagine having someone to dance and play the drum with. Like I’m not even sure I would enjoy that because when we’re not dancing and playing the drum I’d have to entertain them (they’d be house guests obviously) so then I couldn’t just naturally move from one activity to another without running a plan by the person. My free time is either doing what someone else wants to do or doing what I want to do… I have a hard time compromising because another person’s presence takes up space in my brain and diminishes the enjoyment of my usual alone time routine because I start feeling guilty that I should be doing more to entertain them. Which usually leaves me feeling even worse because I’m not very good at entertaining people who can’t entertain themselves.

I’m tired of feeling bad after situations that were meant to make me feel happy. Like those people who talk really big about cool plans, but never actually implement them, or if they finally do, it isn’t until way after my excitement over the idea has dissipated.
Or even worse, feeling bad because I realize the happiness was only a momentary disillusionment from reality….like “Damn it, there are other things to consider, and those other things really bring the whole idea down.”

Sigh… everything has this filter over it today. Aside from my school project (my abilities there left me confident and pleasantly surprised) the rest of the outside world just isn’t doing it for me. I finally step out of my bubble and end up seeing no point in being there.

In Love with the Idea of Someone

In Love with the Idea of Someone

I think my habit of falling in love with the idea of things isn’t helping. Well it does help because it allows me to construct an ideal picture to guide my path, but the planning and discovering of what elements would be perfect to put in my situation distracts me from other things. Gosh, I’m trying to say that I shouldn’t fall so in love with ideas, yet all my support to that statement points to “I love falling in love with ideas.” sigh… I just love it so I’m just going to keep doing it. There is no rational way of saying that I shouldn’t dream so much, because dreaming has in fact proven to be the catalyst of all my travels.

But it poses a problem when I am not sure whether I love someone, or just love the thought of them. It is a tricky way of thinking about people. Because whatever data I have gathered is filtered through my brain and my dreams are end products that I use to see if I’m on the right track. If too much negativity manifests in my mind at the thought of you, then I take that as a sign that this isn’t working. If I get a positive reading, then we’re good.

Data selection is key here because when I have a good reading and I’m really enjoying the thoughts someone provokes, I tend not to want to hear anything that will spoil my inner fun. So if I think I need to gather more fuel for my fire (i.e. information), I will still chose to find positive things to outweigh any negatives I happen to run across in the process.

Love is strange in that it has a built in component that makes me refuse to find reason not to love someone.

Anyways, I do not see that it is a bad thing if someone is in love with the idea of a person; however, if that is the only thing about them that makes you love them, then you’re not really in love with them at all. You’re in love with the parts of them you can create. So this Pygmalion effect essentially is misdiagnosed as love, probably because of the euphoria and sense of completeness that is only attainable in my mind…

How Talking is the Whole Point

How Talking is the Whole Point

“if you talk too much you might say something that upsets someone, so it is best to keep talking to a minimum.”

Isn’t that the whole point.  To see how well you can handle someone when they are under stress?  To not want to upset someone is simply a cop-out, a brilliant dance around their emotions.  “Look! Look how well I can fool some one!  Look at how well I’ve got them figured out!”  That’s not love, that’s simply knowing that you’ve got someone at your disposal who you can take advantage of, someone who you can control to fulfill the empty pieces of yourself which you are incompetent of completing with your own mental capacities.

Someone might say you are lazy, but no, you don’t deserve that stipulation, you aren’t worthy of being called LAZY.  For lazy is a virtue due to it’s self perpetuating drive to preserve itself at the heavy cost of time and emotion.  You, you are only worthy of being called pitiful.  You waste your time seeking approval after underhanded deeds, after proving to have flirted with Satan, your self-created god still forgives you!  She is not your god.  She is your toy, a toy who at the same time does not want to admit that you are not her self-projected crush.  So fine, you be stuck in your instability.  You suffer the fate you’ve created for yourself by not just letting yourself be itself.  Go ahead, seek approval, get it, and suffer knowing how weak you are to give in to such futile existence at such an old age.  Know that no matter how far you go, your brain is still limited in it’s scope of what it can imagine.  THAT, my friend, is the metaphor we all know of as HELL.  I won’t be floating any further down the river styx on your behalf.

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

Breaks from past times (school, work, social network, etc.) have an odd way of letting me finally come to terms with many facts that were swirling around in my brain for a long time. I could hypothesize about the timing of these ideas coming together in my mind with a typical “Why now? why not then?” hands in the air type of thing but Timing will have to be saved for another Note.

What gets me is how reality sets in once I look back on situations that I am no longer facing everyday or often. I see how the regurgitation and reprocessing of thoughts definitely causes me to trim the edges of my emotion spectrum, meaning, (in the extreme) if hate and love are at two ends of one spectrum, in time I both hate and love less due to a lack of renewal of once obtained stimulus in the present. With everything relying solely on my past interpretations of thoughts, (which, I am only bringing into the present out of my own need and necessity to reorganize them) the intensity of life in those past situations has no additional fuel from which to burn and thus the fire dwindles. I understand this in myself, I understand my own rates of emotional expansion and contraction because my mind is most certainly at their mercy.

What I don’t understand is other people’s understanding of what has been going on.

The problem with people is that they live on in our psyche and an image of them haunts our natural contemplation over life. Good or Bad, thinking about a person and continuing to react to that person when they are not around is quite creepy to me- now that I think more about it. Because I don’t know who I am to some people, I have no idea where they formed this method of reacting to me but sometimes I wonder if they are reacting to who I am or an image of me that they created in their heads while channel surfing. It is strange that we are all adults but many people cannot responsibly behave and communicate to each other what problems are. Most basic relationship problems are only bad if you make them bad.

I can only hypothesize that this happens because people are not taught to actually identify and solve problems. If one is unable to see how their own behavior contributes to a negative feeling and/or denies their responsibility in the matter then you have…. you have…. you have drama. Exactly the same shit you watch on TV only now, you can live the high life and experience that life for yourself because you are complacent enough to let your real life suffer for the sake of being able to tell your drama-addict friends, “Hey, that same stuff that happened on TV happened to me.”

So not only do people thrive off not solving problems to create more drama, to make it worse, people do no know that they do no know how to solve problems. They don’t see their behavior as a problem because part of drama formation is to be totally confident in one’s own rationale and finally let the person know in an intense arena with an audience as opposed to a more personal atmosphere…essentially they think that the way they saw a similar problem handled on TV is how they should handle this problem in their real lives. Not only do people let others continue to do annoying things…they invite them to do it and keep tabs…. I understand evidence needs to be gathered, of course, but within a justifiable time frame.

Once the tab is big enough, they see it as a time to throw down the gauntlet…. This isn’t problem solving my friends, and it isn’t honest friendship either, this is a manipulative power maneuver. Once that gauntlet gets thrown over an accumulation of past situations specifically where it is way, way obvious that you invited or pushed for a certain reaction out of me……then all I can say is that I’m not going to play this game anymore.