Tag Archives: breaking point

On Breaking Points and Living in the Future

On Breaking Points and Living in the Future

The difficulty with a breaking point is that you never know where it actually is.  You often avoid certain behaviors because you believe they would get you to that point, when in reality you have probably 1) been totally obviously as to why certain behaviors got you to a breaking point in the past and 2) exhibited behaviors hoping to get you to a breaking point and it turned out that the breaking point is actually no where in sight.

Sometimes all you know is that you are stuck dealing with 49 negatives so you can get 51 positives and even though the positives out weight the negatives, you are definitely not happy.  Problem is that the grass on the other side is not looking much greener because you have convinced yourself that the path you are on is the right path and that you are lucky to be on it so you better count your blessings.

In reality most paths are suiting, you just do not have any kind of emotional or social connection to other paths, so, you tend to think that they do not have value.  Plus you have spent a lot of energy making plans.

I think the most difficult part of sudden changes in life is coming to terms with the fact that all the hopes and dreams you had envisioned yourself to experience are no longer within your capacity to grasp with your new altered set of resources.  You must dream up a new horizon to look forward to.  People tend to shy away in horror at this idea when they are not actually facing the real, immediate task of doing so, why?  Possibly because they either 1) have had to do it before and realize what a daunting task it is or 2) they have had the luxury of never having to create a new future for themselves unexpectedly.

If all goes well, Walter Benjamin’s Destructive Character will come out of you on its own to force you to pick up the pieces and find a better, more productive way of spending your time.

The Ones Who Didn’t Make the Cut

The Ones Who Didn’t Make the Cut

It is disheartening to have such a long list of once thought of as potential all-stars.  Usually once the draft is done and the teams have been finalized no one cares about those who didn’t make the team, everyone just focuses on how the chosen players perform.  It isn’t the case with me because I chose them all and it was up to them to meet the minimum qualifications.  I was honestly rooting for them to pull through for me.  In most cases it was just one more thing, just that one more leap or jump that would pull them into the club, sadly that one more thing was the breaking point.

The order in which they arrive is what has done most of them in.  The first few had few, if any, requirements to meet to at least get into the club.  Over time they have either faded out or have been grandfathered in to the point that they can do as they please.  But these new ones, these are the ones I worry most about.  They always show up in shining armor expecting (or hoping for) an easy fight.  Little do they know that I am not what I appear to be, because I do not want to appear to be what I really am.  It is a battle of wits for me.  If I can outsmart you, throw you a curve ball that gets you off track and leaves you immobilized, well then, you are not what I am looking for and I am happy for your silence.  Thank you.  Any approach whether conscious or by chance has to be in my right way and flow (from my point of view) naturally.  That’s not to say without difficulty.  Difficulty is fun because it implies learning and training to overcome it.

I am writing this because I’m disappointed in the losers; mainly because at some point I was really rooting to have them in my world.  Unfortunately it was only an image of them that I was really rooting for.  I was rooting for that image to either manifest or to be overtaken in the stricter sense by their own, true personality.   The disappointment is fueled by their left over image in my mind which is left floating like a humming bird somewhere deep in my brain.  “No,” I have to tell myself, “I have no way of knowing if that person actually exists because they won’t show themselves to me in a language that I can learn to speak.”

How you Know a Relationship is Dead

How you Know a Relationship is Dead

There comes a point in already damaged relationships where I realize that I am not equipped to deal with a person’s entire view of life and how they react to it. I realize that I have been treading water for a very, very long time because I had nothing better to do and the phone happened to ring.

My breaking point happened in less than one sentence. In those few words I found my out. I found the one thing that pushed beyond the limits and is in fact unforgivable. Not because I am stubborn, but because it showed me the hidden side, the frustrated side, the side that was unwilling to take my side.

Why? I can only guess. My guess is that someone just thinks it is okay to say such a thing to me because they learned to treat people that way at one point in time. And that is preciously what I am not equipped to deal with.

I have never had anyone say such a thing to me before because the people who care about me do not say such things. I see a bigger picture that actually has nothing to do with me personally. I just happened to provide an outlet for this type of dramatic behavior to play upon and of all the possible reactions that could have been played out, that was the one which was thrown my way. And I am relieved because I know I am no longer going to put up with it, I am finally done.