Tag Archives: bubbles

The Bubbles, Part II

The Bubbles, Part II

There are gaps in time where my social goals are put aside for the sake of indulgence. Aside from these gaps I am doing what I want to do, which, I realize, is not always what is natural to do. But I cannot be both who I want to be and who is natural with certain people, because of this I find myself in a state of being very unsure.

Maybe I am just prone to being unsure and therefore cling to (or create) situations that validate that my feeling is correct. Either way I am better off when in my own element and in the company of those who I do not have doubts about. I am just happy here with the normal ways of things.

The Bubbles

The Bubbles

When something has been a habit or other form or reoccurring trend in life often times it is but a symptom of some- probably- underlying issue, or so I have come to notice, especially in the realm of thoughts and behaviors which stand out or have more extreme effects on my otherwise calm presence. The acknowledgment that “this is happening for a reason” is actually the moment when your subconscious mind (call it anything you you you like) finally got the message through that an conflict is at hand which cannot be balanced on the level at which the SC usually goes about its business. Perhaps to, I have resisted some natural tendency too much and the SC must therefore take more drastic and stronger measures in an attempt to maintain homeostasis and keep you in what it believes is your natural balance.

So I am my own puzzle. These thoughts from my past which haunt me are just reminders of something. On the surface, I’ve learned what to avoid or what is not wanted for basic survival of the self, but there is more to it. I have thought these thoughts many, many times over and over again and my reaction to them has turned to disgust. Which is abnormal for thoughts that didn’t originate such an extreme response from me. What is still abnormal is that I haven’t forgotten them yet. Compared to similar thoughts, of which I couldn’t wait for a time when I wouldn’t remember anything more than the blank space in my mind cabinet that it once filled, these are be played and displayed consistently. I think this is just another layer of life that I have to work through; this one just has different attributes and it took me longer to realize that yet another layer of unresolved issues has been cleared leaving this odd one in full bloom. I guess the next question is: Is this constant uncovering of issues normal? I guess it is a good thing that my biggest haunting only stretches back less than two years ago.

On Mixed Emotions and Anger as Unfulfilled Desire

On Mixed Emotions and Anger as Unfulfilled Desire

While listening to ‘The Wind’ by Cat Stevens and organizing the sewing room – which is a huge huge project – I was thinking about my life (as I tend to do every minute I find a distraction that doesn’t require socializing) and following down my internal checklist of ‘happiness with myself’ and making mental notes of how I could have better handled certain past situations that are probably of highly insignificant value to most others, but I try to get detailed in my behavior so as not to confuse others on my intentions, but uh…I can’t seem to manage this, I seem to be running a program in opposition to what I really feel. This ‘program’ of reactions really only happens when a select few emotions are in the dominate forefront of my life. For example, since I’ve been home I have this cloud of anger hovering over me. Sure at times I feel happy or excited or content or any other emotion that isn’t compatible with anger, but that unfulfilled desire, that hole of not getting or being able to grasp what I had set my heart on, bubbles up from time to time and causes me to do all sorts of strange behaviors that are seemingly unconnected to anything in the present moment.

Someone once told me that it is ‘crazy’ to cry at things like an aluminum coke can flying onto the hood of my car on the freeway. After assessing that the damage was barely noticeable, I admit, the tears were perhaps unnecessary, but they were the bubbling up of my ‘fear’ of having to drive a shitty looking car around because, at the time, I, didn’t have enough money to fix it. Now I realize that, no, I’m not crazy, I’m just more emotional about things I care about and spend a lot of effort taking care of. There is nothing wrong with that, I just need to save the tears for more empathetic company, which I was really good at, but I just thought, in this instance, I was safe to display my real emotions. Or perhaps I just wanted to feel safe and more connected by doing so, so I gave it a try.

Now the real issue is, what is wrong with driving a shitty looking car around? That type of thinking escaped me in the moment; my arrogance perhaps needed a bit of a tune down.

So, to sum it up: emotions like fear, anger, happiness, etc. sometimes hold a dominate grasp on different chunks of time in life, get out of control because they are stronger for the time, bubble out, and leave me trying to explain how I have been misunderstood. After-the-fact explaining gets difficult because there tends to be many, many things going on in the mind in split seconds that really have no words, at least not until years later.