An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind. Rework worries me. I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself. Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.
Rework makes me feel like shit. Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true. It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault. But I often blame myself, not cognitively. The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage. It is a mess. When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.” I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework. Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears. Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.
I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process. Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off. Sigh… it never ends….
The world is apparently flattening yet all over I still sense a need in people to cling to old forms of social class structures. Top schools, top jobs, top companies, top designers, top top top top top. Are we working for money or recognition? If someone pays you a salary, you are working class. If you live paycheck to pay check, regardless of income amount, you are broke. If your net worth is negative, you are broke.
The standard of living gives people a false sense of social standing. The ability to talk and act “up” also give a false sense of where they stand. People aren’t competing against each other, people are competing against what others claim to have or be doing. There is a big difference, especially if you encounter a habitual exaggerator who defines themselves by their dreams not by their actual accomplishments. But anyway, why the need to compete after the contest is over? After the good school, good work experience, good standard of living, etc. At what point does the competitive drive just allow everyone to kick back and simply enjoy the fruits?
i guess I just want the competitive people to shut up. It is the noise coming out of their mouth, infecting my ears that irritates me. For some reason my brain finds meaning in it, fearful meaning. Perhaps my sensitivity to words is just flaring up again. The words hit at my insecurity about no being smart enough or good enough. So whenever I hear the competitive chatter, it gets to me. I don’t like being taunted, teased, or put down. Words have meaning and I respect them. Therefore I don’t use them aggressively unless I mean to, but that doesn’t mean I should expect everyone else to follow my same doctrine.
Harnessing my own insecurity would help. If I accepted that I am perfectly fine and capable, then I could move on. I could fill in the empty space were my old insecurity sat with something better that doesn’t listen for fearful confirmation. I could replace it with confidence and the ability to not need to second guess myself.
I was editing my previous note on Jealousy and thought of a very important contributing factor. People get too comfortable and take too much for granted. There comes a point where one feels as though they can behave however they please within any relational context and that is definitely not always respectful.
It is some arrogance of youth perhaps that makes us not notice that these rituals we performed in the confidence of our peers actually do mean something and there is an effect to causes.
Some adjustment within the self needs to be made in order to notice why and how these people rely on you. Recklessly throwing that away under the guise of “I can do as I please!” just rips apart everything you naturally but unknowingly built for yourself. Action you take is closely monitored… you can say whatever you want but if you don’t pull through on your end of the contract, all those words will have no power because you’ve lost trust by rebelling against the situations you agreed to put yourself in. So it is unfair to be angry at a jealous person, they are essentially confused by the disconnection between your behavior and your words.
The thing about spending enormous amounts of time alone is that you get to see first hand human socialization habits, as just that, habits, well more than just habits…. More like a series of pointless, often useless, and emotionally draining habits. Okay, okay, I won’t completely drag it down here; many of them are indeed fulfilling, useful, and personally rewarding. But unfortunately we have just been exposed to them and when we, for some reason, didn’t pull off the habit as well as others, we have spent an enormous amount of time trying and retrying to get them right and “fit in.”
This means we continually subject ourselves to other people for the purpose of fitting in to some sort of club only because at one point we thought we weren’t quite good enough to get into but we wanted to get in. In reality, we were in the club, just not the role we wanted for ourselves.
Our role was to be the person who never got it right, no matter what we did because once we got it right, the rules changed to keep us as the people in the club that the other members could talk about behind our back and use us as a conversational past time to avoid confronting themselves and their own ridiculous ways. Now once you’ve been in the club for a while you realize you aren’t the only one who is in this role, there are others in your same class of people who are never allowed to get things right.
Some of us may chose to ignore what I believe are negative aspects of this role and just accept the role in the club you have been given because deep down you need these people to make you feel at ease inside yourself (for reasons undiscovered thus far by me), regardless of how often you notice insiders casting quick smirking glances between each other when your sense of expressing yourself confirms something they noticed in a prior confidence.
Now all this depends upon the context of why these people keep inviting you around. There are plenty of times I am willing and able to make fun of myself and allow others to do so, but the difference is I want to be in that role.
The weak minded are easily influenced by the opinions of other people whom they hold to be of better judgment or character than themselves. They often can easily hide behind confidence of intellect to mask their emotional insecurities. Justification for their actions is often sideswipe as unnecessary since there is most likely either no logical reason for their behavior to put into words or the logical reason is constantly deemed as a constant (which others are assumed to already know) by the mind and thus is never expressed directly. They apply salesmen desperation as hope upon outcomes involving people around them who depend upon them as fulfillment of their own typically social existence.
Rebellion is only a problem when it inhibits one from performing a seemingly normal everyday life and continues to push a person to make choices that continuous put them at a disadvantage to what they were perfectly capable of achieving. When the mind is sick with rebellion, it must rebel against anything identified as a social construct, out of shame from the fact that they, too, were sucked in and enjoyed it and also from fear that outsiders might actually figure out that their confident gait is hiding nothing more than a fool like they believe everyone else to be. Their constant rebellion, which may indeed prove positive at times, most often does nothing more for them than keep them running. This endurance depicts to the outside world that the runner is superior to what they are running from, that they understand it and thus have chosen wisely against such a thing, which can be anything, even a glass of water.