There is something great about new people who enjoy conversing. By conversing I mean, deep conversing about anything and everything regardless of any emotional or faux pas connotation surrounding the topic (now that I think of it, there are a few exceptions but it really just depends on what direction the conversation is going). The best is when the dialogue between us flows smoothly and neither one of us is inhibited from fully speaking what is on our minds because we both can roll with the breaks, pauses, and indications without distress or boredom.
I think what I enjoy most are tangents to the point of talking about something completely different from the root topic, then somehow going back to the starting topic as a signal that the conversation is either over, or it is time to move on to a new topic seed.
Talking is a very important connector for me because of the almost endless realm of information discovery potential. A lack of this connector between myself and someone in my world causes conflict because I don’t always know what to do with people when they aren’t so keen on chatting. Kind of dangerous because I will just fill in the gaps about them that I wish I could find out from the source. That fact that I become aware of how distorted my perception is of a specific person acts as a starting point for freeing up energy, so that I can now apply it to someone who enjoys talking as a means of getting to know me.
I sat trying to read a book full of cool concepts but I couldn’t help but to internalize on all the memories that can finally come to mind without causing me distress. Well, I guess that isn’t true because if they no longer had a negative effect on me then the topic of them wouldn’t suck my attention away from the book I had set out to read. So, at least the horrible thoughts don’t completely incapacitate me as they once did.
It is annoying how crises often drive exciting times in life. But crises are often referred to as the catalyst for change. I see nothing wrong with that because crises happen all the time, the only difference is that for most crisis, I already have the appropriate coping mechanisms built up so they pass by without much left-over thought. For those crises that I am not prepared to deal with, I am cursed to constantly review and review and review and play out and play out and play out the events until my mind is finally a lean mean coping machine.
My problem with this method of learning is that I do not like the middle of the process where I am fully aware of the fact that I am in a state of turmoil with nothing but time needed to bring my mind back to a functionally healthy state. While waiting for my mind to get over it’s cold, confusion causes immobilization which in turn causes more conflict to arise out of the life situations that I now face in the aftermath of the initial crisis situation. In short, recovery is a long and arduous task and can only be accomplished by simply doing what it is I need to do to make myself realize that what I’ve gone through is actually normal, Fortune just had never swung her tiller so sharply for me before.
But afterwards, what is to be done when all evidence of some monumentous, now long past, occurrence in life is all but erased from my daily experience? Aside from the memories popping up here and there, things are calmer now, there is nothing to struggle against. Days pass by smoothly, people come and go, work gets done, new opportunities pop up to greet me, etc. I guess this is just what it is like to have let something go. But it feels weird to have once spent so long plagued by flashbacks in often silent despair, to now talk freely about all the details as if it were some sort of sitcom. Why did it take so long not to care about it? Why couldn’t I have been in this state of not caring sooner? I would be three years more advanced than I am now. Sigh, it is just the way of the cookie.
When something has been a habit or other form or reoccurring trend in life often times it is but a symptom of some- probably- underlying issue, or so I have come to notice, especially in the realm of thoughts and behaviors which stand out or have more extreme effects on my otherwise calm presence. The acknowledgment that “this is happening for a reason” is actually the moment when your subconscious mind (call it anything you you you like) finally got the message through that an conflict is at hand which cannot be balanced on the level at which the SC usually goes about its business. Perhaps to, I have resisted some natural tendency too much and the SC must therefore take more drastic and stronger measures in an attempt to maintain homeostasis and keep you in what it believes is your natural balance.
So I am my own puzzle. These thoughts from my past which haunt me are just reminders of something. On the surface, I’ve learned what to avoid or what is not wanted for basic survival of the self, but there is more to it. I have thought these thoughts many, many times over and over again and my reaction to them has turned to disgust. Which is abnormal for thoughts that didn’t originate such an extreme response from me. What is still abnormal is that I haven’t forgotten them yet. Compared to similar thoughts, of which I couldn’t wait for a time when I wouldn’t remember anything more than the blank space in my mind cabinet that it once filled, these are be played and displayed consistently. I think this is just another layer of life that I have to work through; this one just has different attributes and it took me longer to realize that yet another layer of unresolved issues has been cleared leaving this odd one in full bloom. I guess the next question is: Is this constant uncovering of issues normal? I guess it is a good thing that my biggest haunting only stretches back less than two years ago.
But you’re not that person, not yet anyway. The thing with masks is that they can only be worn for so long and only really work when no emotions are being invested in the circumstance…. in my experience anyway.
Emotions are tricky, don’t believe for a second that they won’t change your mind for you or pull the wool over your eyes. Bodies have a way of getting what they want and your mind is only a function of how it achieves that.
So don’t fight it. The emotions involved will pull through and only damage your credibility if you are trying to hide them, how? Act overly friendly…. then suddenly…silence? Doing nothing is just as much communication as saying something.
That doesn’t work to solve any part of the situation…but it will keep the hole in you wide open, giving you that constant something to fight for and with, which, you have dug so deep that it would take creating a whole new you all over again to fill it and you are too lazy to cause that kind of conflict, why? Because you went and jumped right back into what you spent so much time and energy getting away from. “This time it will be different, this life is different, more agreeable”… no. You have only changed the object, you… you’ve just created an illusion for yourself to live in and in that illusion you can at least have what you are missing. So why fight it? Why use extremes in an attempt to manipulate the outside world when they can be seen through, you’re only making it worse for yourself.
There is no reason to keep it all pent up. it doesn’t matter how you feel or what you are thinking as long as you express it in some way to the only person with whom it matters to. You can express it to a total stranger and you’ll get your quick fix…. or jump beyond it.