Tag Archives: confusion

On Falling

On Falling

One day I fell.  Hard.  I couldn’t get back up because as I laid there in complete and total confusion and despair, I had no way of knowing which way was up.    The world hadn’t spun, it simply twisted behind its facade.  On the surface all was as it always had been: people went to work and the store, they played outside with their pets and children, they ate laughed, drank, cried, and loved.  But as I finally stood, slowly so as to hide my wobbling knees, looking around attenuating myself to this new existence, it became clear that the shock waves had damaged the foundation of things.  All around was the sound of familiar voices hitting notes I had never heard before, people moving in much more ways to ponder, and most of all eyes lingering on me more puzzled than ever.

 

On the few I wish I Never Met

On the few I wish I Never Met

There are a few people who I wish I never met.  The few fantastic or enjoyable moments spent with them were in no way worth the years of being reminded of them.  I think it was just that I was left in limbo, a place of constantly being unsure of what was going on in my life.  The existence of this unknown area, where I was powerless to express myself without being ignored or pushed aside, cause me all sorts of confusion.  The world usually worked a certain way, but with this person all the usual ways were not the right way, all the simple gestures were not noticed, all the words I spoke were not as clear as they needed to be, and so on.  It was almost as if I were silently being told “if you want me in your life then you’re going to have to suffer for it first: you’re going to have to wait, you’re going to have to be broken down, you’re going to have to be granted permission.”  I just didn’t want it to be that way, I wanted it work.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that life doesn’t work with everyone, what I haven’t come to terms with is how long it can take me to realize that sometimes.  I’m tired of feeling embarrassed for it.

The Switch from Dislike to Like

The Switch from Dislike to Like

Usually when I come across someone who holds a place in my mind, a whole wealth of memories flood into my mind screen.  They just keep flashing and reminding me of all the different attitudes towards the person I have taken.

I imagine the same thing about me is going off in their head.  Suddenly I find that the conversation has overtones of previously unspoken attitudes.  “Does he really realize that I didn’t like him way back then?” I ask myself because all of a sudden the topics of choice all have a common theme.   We are all of a sudden talking about people we’ve both lately come across people from the past that we didn’t like.

“Odd how the conversation went in this direction,” I continue thinking to myself, feeling a little exposed.  It continues to the point where we discover how we actually have the same reasoning and methodology for not liking general people.

I find it strange talking to people who I don’t like about the details of not liking people.  It is kind of a mind trip, but the situation goes on and now we have actually found something in common.  The confusion sets in because now, I have something in common with a person I don’t like… does that mean that I kinda do like his personality after all?  I don’t know, but I’m definitely intrigued.

The Frequency of Conversation

The Frequency of Conversation

Conversations either flow or they don’t.  I find it strange when my in vain efforts to initiate conversations leads my counter party and myself to have a conversation over how my behavior has been interpreted as strange to them.

There is just no simpler way of saying it:

“I just wanted to talk to you, so I called, and when you didn’t answer, I left you a message.  When you didn’t return my call for a few days I assumed you didn’t want to talk to me….then when you finally did talk to me, I had already gotten over wanting to talk to you, but I was suddenly stuck in conversation with you and had to processes the two conflicting ideas that 1) I thought you didn’t want to talk to me and now 2) you are talking to me.”

So you can understand my confusion and hesitance because now that I am finally having the conversation that I was hoping to have 5 days ago, I can’t enjoy it because I have a feeling that I’m going have something I want to tell you about tomorrow and I’ll have to wait another 5 days until you are in the mood to talk with me.  At that time I will have probably forgotten what it was I wanted to tell you, so I won’t have anything to say, so I’ll just act nervous because all this stuff is going through my mind because someone in particular doesn’t like having conversations as often as I do.

The Remedy for Infatuation

The Remedy for Infatuation

Every once in a while I come across people with certain characteristics that I want to experience more of. Often times it is because their manner of exchanging communicative signals and social games is similar to mine, so the conversation keeps going even if nothing of useful substance is actually being said.  And key, we both enjoy it, or seem to, because we keep doing it.

Infatuation evolves out of wanting to interact but not being able to get enough of the interaction.  So the mind essentially improvises, to my dismay.  Now the person ceases to exist to me in their real form.  I unknowingly create an extra-added layer of perception, which I end up rationalizing as real because my mind is great at making up perfect scenarios to fulfill the excess emotion that isn’t properly stimulated by the external world.   It creates confusion between whom I’m actually thinking of and whom I’m actually in the presence of. This makes me nervous, because I start having difficulty acting normal since I don’t actually know the person well enough to know if how I perceive them is actually how they are. Thus how I want to behave is held back in fear that I perceive the situation incorrectly.   The remedy: to actually hang out with the person as much as possible until I find that one thing about the person that I absolutely cannot put up with.   This dulls the emotional need to incorporate the person into my thoughts.  Once they are out of my thoughts, I’m free of the person I was hoping they would be.

Switching from Dislike to Like

Switching from Dislike to Like

Often when I come across someone who holds a place in my mind, a whole wealth of memories flood into my mind screen.  They just keep flashing and reminding me of all the different attitudes towards the person I have taken.  I imagine the same thing about me is going off in their head.  Suddenly I find that the conversation has overtones of previously unspoken attitudes.  “Does he really realize that I didn’t like him?” I ask myself because all of a sudden the topics of choice all have a common theme.   We are all of a sudden talking about people we’ve come across lately that we didn’t like.  “Odd how the conversation went in this direction,” I continue thinking to myself, feeling a little exposed.  It continues to the point where we discover how we actually have the same reasoning and methodology for not liking general people.  I find it strange talking to people I don’t like about people I don’t like.  It is kind of a mind trip, but the situation goes on and now we have actually found something in common.  The confusion sets in because now, I have something in common with a person I don’t like… does that mean that I kinda do like his personality after all?  I don’t know, but I’m definitely intrigued.

Miscommunication

Miscommunication

I wrote the below email titled “[insert work document here] – who is reviewing?” to the other members of my department this morning:

“Good Morning!

I’ve almost finished my review of [insert work document here]. Let me know whom I should give it to when I am finished.

Thanks!”

I instantly got a “reply to all” message from one of the managers saying that she doesn’t know who is going to review it but she will hold on to it in the meantime and also since I am almost done with it she has something else I can do.

My boss called me into the office a few minutes later (with some smoke coming out of her ears) to remind me that when I need more work to do, email only her first! She knows what is top priority. (She had told me to do this same thing last week, so she was annoyed because she had to do it again).

I explained that the email was in no way written to imply that I needed more work… my evidence is that fact that I had more work to do. I told her the tasks that were next on my list and even showed her where I was going to pick up again on a previous task I had to put on hold and that I wrote that email asking who I should pass my last project to. so simple and not worth the interrogation.

Once I finished explaining this to her, I politely asked if there was anything else she needed from me and she said “You’re going to make sure you ask me before you send an email like that the next time, aren’t you?”

With an extreme expression of confusion on my face I replied, “Emails…asking….who is…..reviewing certain documents when I am finished? Okay, no problem.”

She said, “No! emails requesting more work!”

I responded, “I didn’t write an email requesting more work, but I will ask you before I do next time. [Insert manager’s name] is busy and must have been hoping I might have time to help her out. If you open the email you can see I clearly wrote that I needed to know who to give the project to when I was finished, that’s all.”

She cut me off without rereading the email with a smart-ass, “I read the email, and you IMPLIED that you needed more work to do.”

Instead of starting all over again, I went into a explanation of how “I’m having a hard time because I am being as direct as possible when I communicate but I am constantly having to clarify that the words on the computer screen do not have other meanings. It is a simple miscommunication and I’m sorry if it was taken that way.”

Saying I was “almost finished” could also mean that I didn’t want someone to think I could hand it to them right away because I wasn’t done yet… or I want them to take note of how long it took me to do it…or anything…. but in reality, I just wanted to know who to give it to when I was done with it.

I feel like the Gods have cursed me to have the ability to say things clearly but few are able to believe that that is all I mean to say.

Or the boss is cursed to continuously think people are saying more than they really are.

Ultimately, before putting on their critic’s hat, it is the reader’s responsibility to make sure he or she understands the writer in order to avoid loosing what little lint of my respect happen to stick to their clothes as they passed by on their way to the kitchen.

Learning the Hard Way

Learning the Hard Way

Boy invites Girl over to his place. He drives her there. He drinks too much and so cannot drive her home until morning. He instructs her that he will get her home in time for her to get ready for work and be on time. Girl is hesitant, but in light of the alcohol, understands the reasoning.

Conveniently his bed is the best place to sleep. He insists the set up is honorable.

The first time this idea is pitched to you, you just think it all kinda makes sense….

The second time…. you’re pissed off that you didn’t realize it was a known, tactful maneuver. If you had known of this before the first time….you would have saved yourself from the hellish pits of deep confusion.

Surprises

Surprises

So I love surprises. I really do. There has never been much going on in my life that would cause me to think strangely upon a surprise appearance by another person in my life.

That type of thinking has caused me much confusion. Since I am one to like surprises… I have made the mistake of assuming that others appreciate it as well. (do unto others as you would have done unto yourself). Well apparently, surprising people who don’t like surprises makes them think that you are suspicious of their behavior in some way. Like I’m always sneaking up on them to see what I can catch them doing.

So apparently… my surprising other people has lead them to believe that I don’t trust them. When in reality, perhaps, perhaps, since I surprised someone with my presence on their birthday for a few years in a row… then, I just figured they would appreciate it as much as I would have… had they ever done it.

Push/Pull or Pull/Push

Push/Pull or Pull/Push

There is one behavior that I do that is really starting to drive me nuts, perhaps because I can neither figure out exactly where it came from, how long I have been doing it, nor what triggers it.

I have bits and pieces of data I’ve analyzed but I just don’t think it is enough to put the behavior in any specific category where it can be modified it and turned into something fruitful. On top of that, I am not even sure if other people notice it, if they don’t then…. i shouldn’t mind continuing to do it…. but i think people do notice it, or at least feel it.

It depends on the other party’s sensitivity and willingness to actually call others on what they are sensitive to. Without direct feedback I am left to analyze merely possible reactions to my behavior, which, in turn, drives me into a deep confusion because for a moment I forecast the idea that the reaction I got was actually directly related to my action,

then pause,

there are more possibilities, after all, peoples lives are really complicated with scattered experience so who knows, who knows if my behavior has anything to do with their reaction. After all they would tell me wouldn’t they? They do know what they are doing, don’t they?

No, no, think of all those gossip girls who never told the outcast why they would agree to let her join the group and then fill out and submit the list of chosen ones, omitting her name before she could come by and take you up on your promise. If she was pushy or not, you agreed to it, right? Can I believe you this time like I used to be able to?

So in my experience and education, people don’t tell others why they are pushing them away, they simply act as if they aren’t and then they do…. leaving me to wonder what the hell I did. Was I annoying? did I put them off or cancel too often? did I not answer the phone or take too long to get back to them? Did I cancel on too many times? Did I? Did I? Did I?

This is when the details get fuzzy (you’re thinking, “i thought it was already fuzzy,” but oh no my friend there is more to my confusion over human relations). I think I learned this behavior a long time ago and although I do know and have seen what it does to other people, I have found myself doing it to others on various levels of severity without giving it much notice or forethought, sometimes playfully over a poker game (it can be funny an taken as sarcastic – assuming my sarcasm is understood) but I can’t find that fine, perfect line where I am free to be me without causing injury, or at least feeling as though I have.

The fuzzy continues… push/pull and pull/push have to link at least two behaviors. There are many times that I pull and I pull and I pull and I pull, then a push behavior is thrown in. Perhaps in defense, perhaps for some other reason, but I don’t know what to do when, after all that pulling, the push seems to have undone all of my work. Undoing my work is like punishment, have I done it to myself or has it been done to me?