I knowingly bought a ticket to the known world. The place where all the pieces are planned and mapped out. Where life doesn’t just happen to you. Where most attempts to find vibrant life end with a mediocre thought of “at least I tried”. But I bought the ticket anyway because it is a place where I knew I could sit back, feel normal, and make sense of what I’d been through. Now that I’ve recuperated internally I’m looking out and I can’t help but struggle with my decision. I look back and wonder what could have been done differently in all the wildness. I guess the unrealized sense of a piece of life being over has now become fully realized. In efforts to create a new plan it makes sense to look back and list out all the dislikes in order to make better decisions for the next round. This time around, part of me didn’t realize it was over. Part of me is ready to go, part of me wants to stay, and most of me can’t afford to leave. All in all, it is good that I stepped on the train, because the known world is good for people who don’t know what to do next yet.
Often, when deep inside of life being a certain way, I, by habit, forget that it can operate in many other ways. When running certain emotions I forget that the only thing that has changed is how I perceive situations, all else has kept running its course as if would if I weren’t present for it. It is my presence that makes the difference when it burns the experience into my psyche. It takes a long time to realize that what has been going on around me hasn’t been the only possible option, it has just been the option I was most willing to accept because, to get to this point, there was a certain level of accept and reject going on that lead me to where I am at the moment.
In review of my choice to accept an aspect of life that comes along to fill a need, want, or void, I find that I haven’t chosen the best. I chose simply to the point that I wouldn’t have to be bothered by making more decisions on that matter. This is simply a by product of having a lot to do. I don’t have time to continue searching when I have good enough sitting on my doorstep.
This ‘good enough’ gets me by for a while but, after more of a while, it fulfills less and less of the intended void, leaving me to further fragment my existence by filling smaller voids which constantly open up because I can’t be bothered to part with the original ‘good enough’.
or maybe good enough was the best I could think of at the time and now, I can think of better….
I get nervous when people start heavily interrogating me about my point of view or what I want in life. Sure in an interview these are questions I can answer fairly solidly (or at least I think so because I’ve been hired), but just in everyday life from friends or coworkers I get really paranoid.
I begin to wonder “Why are they asking me this?” or “What difference does it make?” My difficulty with such questions is that people tend to use my answers to forecast some future event and they forget that life doesn’t pass exactly as planned and that perhaps events in the future may inhibit something I have planned from happening.
I think people get fixated on needing to know about the part of their future that revolves around me because of some difficulty in coping with how uncertain life can be. Anyway I am hesitant to even answer some questions. Especially questions about what I want in the future. How can you receive answers to that type of question seriously? Sure I may want “A” at the moment, but that is because I have no idea that “B” will happen and make me want “C” more than “A.”
Do you see that there is no good answer to questions about the future? Life works like this: You have elements in life such as skills, knowledge, connections, past times, assets, etc. At any given point in time you have a finite amount of life elements at your disposal, therefore you will make decisions based on the present elements as a way of heading toward desired elements. But those desired elements, which you hope to have in your future, do not exist in your life now, and may never exist exactly as you postulate because you are only creating an idea about future life-elements based on the present elements you have in life.
You don’t know what else you are going to encounter that may make you change your plans and neither do your friends. So in trying to answering people’s questions about the future, you leave out the unknown, because that is what people want to hear. “Based on what I know now….I will probably do…blah blah blah.” Nod and smile and change the subject….
Then as time passes, you just go with the flow and perfect the art of collecting elements that complement who you want to be.
Some people’s good moods can be a subconscious trap to find more reasons to be pissed off at me later.
Excessive addiction to knowledge which supports preconceived notions, surf the Internet and you will find the answer you are looking for.
Rebellion as a cure for discomfort
Inability to know all the details necessary to make educated decisions, or rather belief that one has enough information to make such decisions.
The belief in the misconception that there is a “normal state of mind.” This encourages people to recognize how they aren’t good enough and thus keeps them working harder at tasks which they think are in line with what is “Normals, ”in an attempt to be something other than what they themselves would otherwise, naturally be.
Lack of education about who educated people are and what has driven them to gain an education.
The lack understanding that doctors are in control of what denotes mental illness and lack of the realization that that is only one opinion which is just a measure of control over the population.
Educated people believing that they in fact, are now better because they know more about a subject, yet their knowledge is still just bias on the grounds that it was sought out to fulfill a purpose, yet until one is actually knowledgeable of the subject, they had no idea what exactly they were getting themselves into and perhaps in the process their original goal has been abandoned. The idea of an education also is that you are being trained to do a task and distraction from that task is ingrained to be avoided on the grounds of society needing you to complete tasks with your expertise. Road blocks (especially those imposed by people more so than standardized tests) to your ultimate goal should be read into with extreme detail because it is most likely that there is something about you which is not conducive with the profession. These things can be changed and often simply require a bit more growing up, but that takes you being willing to change yourself to yet another group of people’s definition of normal. Which if you are one who is on a mission to be “normal” then this is definitely the profession for you.