Tag Archives: fades

Wanting More as Missing Something

Wanting More as Missing Something

The most lingering, absent objects in life seem to be those that I did not get enough of. For whatever reason I was inhibited from reaching some sort of full potential, which my imagination deemed possible, and I am left with an internal confliction which refuses to be laid to rest. At one end I am at the height of happiness with my previous experiences and seek to push them further (either in my mind or in real life). At the other end is the whole realization of why it is best that it hasn’t continued to manifest in this perpetual present time.

These two poles of the matter alternate, both with completely legitimate arguments on each side. When the happiness over the thought dominates, I am totally convinced by its outright charms… but slowly the happiness fades into more sobering thoughts….that only confuse the matter in my mind. The sobering thoughts seem so realistic and based on facts that, if true, tell me that my once perceived happiness over the matter is, well, not obtainable or not really possible. I tell myself that I must forget about it because too much is at risk of going wrong if I pursue what I have been missing. This logic, painstakingly, leads me to simply carry on with my current involvements of day-to-day living, with my hands in the air because I don’t know which side of myself is to be believed. Both ideas are extreme to the point where the only middle ground is to do nothing and wait and see what happens. If nothing happens I will be free of both sides…. if something does, I will have to fully face both of them…. I’m stuck in a binary box where the answer is either accept or reject and I have a binary opinion on both of those outcomes.

Words can mean so many things… even nothing. The driving force isn’t the words because they are only taken as harshly or lightly as the listener chooses to perceive them. The fact that they were perceived a certain way is what is most telling of intentions. If you want an answer you can find it whenever you like, but it can only be based upon what you already know bent to the limits of your imagination. The difficulty is gauging how far beyond normal the imagination has taken the story and what purpose does it serve to take a few random thoughts to mean such extreme possibilities?

I’m just disturbed by discomforting news and I didn’t want to believe it, because I was tired of being crushed.

Coping Skills

Coping Skills

There are just inevitable situations in life that are so sudden and/or traumatic that recovery indeed takes a long time…. and actually you’re never the same person as you once were. This not only happens because you enjoy the new found “you” who has emerged out of your psyche to keep the body living, but also because pieces of you are in fact dead. Once over the mourning period, you get a new rigor and enthusiastically fill into your new shoes. Despite nature’s euphoria melting over your head, things still happen that can be stressful. Luckily the new you is well equipped to shrug off many incidents as normal errors in the process of discovery, but there are some situations that are not granted this stress-exempt status.

As with the rest of life, you find yourself simply reacting to these stress-situations as you would any other situation without realizing how much negativity you are actually piling on your shoulders. The effect of your push to maintain this new, more positive outlook is that perhaps too many negatives are overlooked and continuously overlooked and continuously overlooked, and habitually overlooked……

Then at some point your love affair with your new self fades and you’re back in the swing of real life. Looking back you can think of millions of happy thoughts to make you laugh out loud on elevators or completely space out in meetings…. but also there are those horribly unhappy thoughts that make me cringe with humiliation and dread.

My post traumatic life is filled with situations that haunt me, not because these situations were of any significance…. but because I have lost my ability to handle intense situations involving human interaction. I see people as way too complex for me because I can never know for sure what they really mean or what they are really thinking. My openness has caused me to get myself into situations that ended up being way more than I was told I was getting myself into. They are not all negative, which is worse because I can’t handle the fact that I can never get that love back.