Tag Archives: fear

The Remedy for Infatuation

The Remedy for Infatuation

Every once in a while I come across people with certain characteristics that I want to experience more of. Often times it is because their manner of exchanging communicative signals and social games is similar to mine, so the conversation keeps going even if nothing of useful substance is actually being said.  And key, we both enjoy it, or seem to, because we keep doing it.

Infatuation evolves out of wanting to interact but not being able to get enough of the interaction.  So the mind essentially improvises, to my dismay.  Now the person ceases to exist to me in their real form.  I unknowingly create an extra-added layer of perception, which I end up rationalizing as real because my mind is great at making up perfect scenarios to fulfill the excess emotion that isn’t properly stimulated by the external world.   It creates confusion between whom I’m actually thinking of and whom I’m actually in the presence of. This makes me nervous, because I start having difficulty acting normal since I don’t actually know the person well enough to know if how I perceive them is actually how they are. Thus how I want to behave is held back in fear that I perceive the situation incorrectly.   The remedy: to actually hang out with the person as much as possible until I find that one thing about the person that I absolutely cannot put up with.   This dulls the emotional need to incorporate the person into my thoughts.  Once they are out of my thoughts, I’m free of the person I was hoping they would be.

The Moment When You Recognize that Certain Events are Connected

The Moment When You Recognize that Certain Events are Connected

There is that point where facts are suddenly drawn together by the mind to form a story.  At that moment you see the sequence of events not as black and white facts floating like humming birds along your recent-past timeline, but as a separate sub-timeline that you apply a title to because it is now one piece.  A split second after the facts are acknowledged as a “situation”, emotion is applied.  The emotion sucks your energy away from what is going on in front of you forcing you to momentarily live two lives until the inital emotional wave subsides.

Normally this process goes unnoticed unless the emotion applied is one which leads you to believe that there is a problem to solve.  For example, if the connected events bring on a rather large wave of fear, fight or flight kicks in, and you begin plotting your strategy in preparation for the worst case senario.  You’re still sitting in class taking notes, but in your mind you’re watching a movie of just how bad it could be and planning what you are going to have to do when the time comes to face the situation.  Luckily, you understand that the thoughts in your mind are indeed the worst-case senario, so it won’t as bad as you anticipate.  Conversely, were it an event washed with a happy emotion you would still be planning, but without the connotation that the word “problem” usually brings.

Passion for Solitude

Passion for Solitude

I get discouraged by passions creeping up on me. For many of them, I just naturally orient myself in their direction only to discover later that I am fact passionate about something. It leaves me wishing I had realized my talent earlier so that I could have been even better at it by now.

Passion is definitely a love, a real love affair with part of the self.  It is in you and can only come out of you if you do what it takes to get it out.  There is something so special in being passionate about oneself. I’ve just been doing it, making sure that I am taken care of. “love, love, love, love, I love, love love Love.”

The difficulty is that I believe that I am so complete inside that I do not seek out what I may be missing in the outside world. I don’t even want to try sometimes because if something isn’t working for me I crave being by myself, where I know all my mental cookies are there to feed me.

This habit leaves me with a looming fear that I am missing something in exchange for the things I like doing so much. Since I don’t really like missing out on cool things, this fear speaks volumes. Maybe I just need to learn to enjoy missing cool things… by why would I? what would be the benefit? To avoid giving the fear so much power? I guess I would change this trait of mine once the fear got to be too overwhelming and made it impossible to find enjoyment in the situation. I hate how fear does that to me. Takes the fun out of so many enjoyable ideas.

Anxiety is Just a Bad Daydream

Anxiety is Just a Bad Daydream

I watched a documentary about dreams recently and it got me thinking that perhaps my brain has a love affair with dreaming. I’m often not fully paying attention when I’m awake because my thoughts gravitate to more interesting scenarios which may or may not be actually happening… in other words often my dream world is far more interesting to me than real life. This accounts for much of my behavior like my so called “spaciness” and wanting to be alone so often (I can follow my own train of thought without having to explain it to anyone as well as not have to follow their social rules in the process).

So that is a practical explanation for why I continue to be lost in a daze much of the day. But I am thinking that from a more physical assumption, perhaps I am not fully awake. Like, I am thinking that if our brains have certain genetically programed patterns of sleep that cause dreaming (this specific documentary said that REM sleep is for practicing and preparing for future situations based on data it processed during non-REM sleep) then if I am not fully waking up then my daydreams are running in similar patterns to night dreams. Then anxiety about a made up situation that isn’t a real life danger, would be the day time equivalent of a nightmare.

From this prospective, I can see why people have a difficult time being in a good mood when they worry about stuff that actually will never happen to them. If you can’t always wake yourself up from a nightmare because you think it is really happening, how are you going to wake yourself up from fear…especially when you are convinced that you’ve got to prepare yourself to face this fear?

I think it will help to remind yourself that in your waking life you’ve not always as awake as you think you are.

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts

I want to write but have nothing specific to write about. So I’m going to just ramble. I’ve been thinking about the lifestyle choices of some people and I do not understand their reasoning behind the big picture of what they are doing in life. Do they see a big picture? Some people do not care about the big picture. Other people seem to see opportunities as a waste of time or effort. I like to do cool things, so I tend to figure out what needs to be done to get where I want to go and start heading in that direction. I get really frustrated when other people do not care to do what it takes to get where they claim to want to go. They find so many excuses, excuses that often are valid in the short term, but amazingly deceptive in the long term. For example, people just freakin’ love to eat, eat, and eat some more. So people find all sorts of colorful ways to justify why they need to eat so much. Exercising seems to be the most popular excuse I have heard. “I exercise so I must eat so much.” no no no…you just love your food enough to harm yourself. People want to think they can exercise off all that food they are eating without having to adjust their lifestyle. Just find another hobby, like restructuring your habits. Imagine the person you want to be and just be that person, it takes practice, lot of practice, but I enjoy practicing so maybe you should learn how to enjoy practicing too. I get so tired of everything revolving around food as some sort of magical experience, when in reality people have some sort of fear of starvation and they just don’t realize that it isn’t a steady food supply that they are afraid of not having access to. I’m not so afraid of starvation as I am of poisoning (believe it or not). I don’t like people coming into my world and messing it up. Any new addition to life must make it better or easier or more delightful; I must be better off in some regard than I was before I accepted a new addition otherwise the silence grows. This isn’t to say that I don’t see the value in things growing over time, quite the opposite because I do enjoy the fruits of my labor, even if the undertaking of that labor did make life more miserable in the short run. Down times in life are just as inevitable as up times and I definitely will push through tough times as best I can, but I have to see what my effort is going toward. Choosing rebellions wisely is something not very many people are good at. Usually people just need to express some sort of power and the actual topic they choose to rebel against is the easiest to conquer and rationalize for them. They pick a sure bet that will get people’s attention. Unfortunately other people actually believe them. Being gullible is definitely a good reason to stay indoors… It is amazing once you realize who actually does not think for themselves. They think, and think a lot, but seem to always be seriously contemplating advice from horrible sources. It is sad when you come across someone like this because there is nothing you can do, they don’t dream to live it out one day, they just dream to make today easier to get through.

Searching for Things

Searching for Things

Many times I search and search and search for something and finally give up and ask someone else if they have it, or have seen it, or know where else I can look. The split second after I (Questioner) ask the other person (Questionee), and just before they answer, I realize where it is.

I am not sure why asking someone is the trigger for remember where something is. But it seems that I must find out in order to skip that step of asking someone unnecessarily.

There are many hypothesis floating around in my mind, none of which seem the least bit concrete. Like maybe it is a way for me to maintain some sort of bond with the Questionee.

Or maybe it is my own mind adjusting to what I perceive is the timing of interaction necessary for the Questionee to feel confident in their bond with me.

Regardless, in this situation I am going out of my way to gather information that is already in my own head, I just haven’t accessed the correct folder to it yet.

In personal, social situations I see this as acceptable because this is what everyone in my family does when we are lazy and think we’ve searched enough or know someone else definitely could find something faster. I know that a family Questionee isn’t going to think ill of me and use this minor situation against me later. But at work (where I search to the bitter end), I could possibly be perceived as incompetent, rushed, needy, not paying attention, etc. by certain people who have acquired the thought that everyone should act like robots. It is these snooty people who take tabs solely on incidents that confirm their paranoia.

A boss for example, who is in charge of a project- that, in fact, has a the work load of three bosses- cannot possibly know what is going on all the time because the boss has no time to actually manage the project. This ever-increasing fear of the project going wrong -due to an inability to properly manage it- creates a huge fear that the project has fatal errors, which will not be discovered until a cataclysmic moment. The fear propagates paranoia and so every incident that didn’t go smoothly goes on to the list of potential huge issues for which someone must be blamed for.

From there you may as well start reading from the top because the person who gets blamed for problems created out of the boss’s imagination, is powerless to do any more than employ coping mechanisms that involve analyzing her own minute behavior so as to avoid being put in the hot seat merely for asking a question….

Jealousy Part I

Jealousy Part I

Jealousy obviously exists in many forms and contexts but I think people look at it most often from the point of view of the person who claims to be wrongly accused, but the person who is ill with jealousy has a very different story, one that should not be disregarded when viewing the situation from outside.

For me, at one point, Jealously was born out of being starved of what social nutrients I defined as necessary ingredients to be reassured that my relationship does indeed exist in the form that I had come to believe it did.

It is normal not receive certain actions from another party at times due to circumstance, but it is another to watch it be given to something or someone else instead of you. To be consistently reminded of this, carelessly compared, or told it is no big deal when you attempt to talk about what you are feeling only adds more negative emotions and ideas, including distrust, and the disconnection between what you are verbally told and what you physically see happening right in front of you becomes more evident.

As the actions compile so does the fear-driven paranoia. You have been told that you are misinterpreting the situation and that all is just as normal, but you cannot help but to understand that the mind is, if anything, a function of the body. A Function that has its own agenda to maintain and conscious reasons to maintain it, but it also does not have a consistent conscious awareness of everything happening in the body. So if the behavior continues either you are dealing with a mind that is completely unaware of it’s own body’s intentions or you are dealing with a liar. Either way, there is opposing data being received, one from the eyes and one from the ears. Personally I would rather loose my hearing than my sight, so you will understand why for me visual cues trump audio ones.

From there you start asking yourself, well then, if all the previously received reassurance as to the nature of this relationship is no longer reserved for me like it was, then I am not in the relationship I thought I was in. Not that change is a bad thing but if I don’t like this new multi-dimensional relationship, then hanging around just makes me the fool.

Future jealousy understands the fool in the end and thus inhibits a purpose in trying again.

de⋅serve

/dɪˈzɜrv/ Show Spelled [dih-zurv] Show IPA verb, -served, -serv⋅ing.

–verb (used with object)

1.to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

–verb (used without object)

2.to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

Taste

Taste

I’m wondering if in fact people would be happier if they weren’t so preoccupied with the way food and drinks taste. There is a quality limit to this, meaning that if an undesirable taste is a result of spoilage, then by all means don’t keep trying it to find something good about it.

I’m also referring to taste just like in choosing clothing, but instead food. I think it is ridiculous to physiologically identify with a food product because its brand. Though I can see the benefits to the self by defining oneself but exterior parameters which outside can easily understand. We are essentially walking through our day accepting and rejecting items in the world and projecting them onto ourselves, being encouraged or discouraged for trying certain aspects on for size.

Same thing goes for religion too. Is it more fitting to worship a male or a female, human or animal, mystical unknown force or a concrete object? It is just categorizing yourself into a comfortable mold to socially fit into and at the same time provide an imaginary helper who understands you better than you understand yourself. Propagation of simple survival techniques such as this works well to distract the conscious mind enough with the outer world so that fear won’t work counter productive to its survival purpose.

It is hard not to live for external identification of who you are by what you choose to surround yourself with all these impression being thrown at us constantly. For me the fine line is drawn between the capable and the not so capable. Being capable to me, means choosing wisely (maybe a bit too cautiously) what influences you allow in and also what influences you seek out.

Also the primary method you gain your information from is another display of taste. After receiving some sort of stimulus from the external world to spark me to action, I prefer to read enough to realize what I cannot figure out on my own. Once I realize that there is more information out there somewhere (which I cannot seem to process or maybe do not know where to look) then I ask, not necessarily a good source, but maybe just a good friend who (through conversation) can help me put things in better prospective before I decide whether or not I have already obtained sufficient information to solve my personal puzzle.

The Minded

The Minded

The weak minded are easily influenced by the opinions of other people whom they hold to be of better judgment or character than themselves. They often can easily hide behind confidence of intellect to mask their emotional insecurities. Justification for their actions is often sideswipe as unnecessary since there is most likely either no logical reason for their behavior to put into words or the logical reason is constantly deemed as a constant (which others are assumed to already know) by the mind and thus is never expressed directly. They apply salesmen desperation as hope upon outcomes involving people around them who depend upon them as fulfillment of their own typically social existence.

Rebellion is only a problem when it inhibits one from performing a seemingly normal everyday life and continues to push a person to make choices that continuous put them at a disadvantage to what they were perfectly capable of achieving. When the mind is sick with rebellion, it must rebel against anything identified as a social construct, out of shame from the fact that they, too, were sucked in and enjoyed it and also from fear that outsiders might actually figure out that their confident gait is hiding nothing more than a fool like they believe everyone else to be. Their constant rebellion, which may indeed prove positive at times, most often does nothing more for them than keep them running. This endurance depicts to the outside world that the runner is superior to what they are running from, that they understand it and thus have chosen wisely against such a thing, which can be anything, even a glass of water.

Work

Work

The eulogists of work Behind the glorification of ‘work’ and the tireless talk of the ‘blessings of work’ I find the same thought as behind the praise of impersonal activity for the public benefit: the fear of everything individual. At bottom, one now feels when confronted with work- and what is invariably meant is relentless industry from early till late- that such work is the best policy, that it keeps everybody in harness and powerfully obstructs the development of reason of covetousness [this means: inordinately or wrongly desirous of wealth or possessions; greedy.] of the desire for independence. For it uses up a tremendous amount of nervous energy and takes it away from reflection, brooding, dreaming, worry, love, and hatred; it always sets a small goal before one’s eyes and permits easy and regular satisfactions. In that way a society in which the members continually work hard will have more security: and security is now adored as the supreme goddess. And now – horrors!- it is preciously the “worker” who has become dangerous. ‘Dangerous individuals are swarming all around.’ And behind them, the danger of dangers: the individual.” -Nietzsche

In “life as viewed by Me” I continuously make the mistake of assuming people know what I know, or at least can relate to where I’ve learned what I know, which is true in many many respects but not all, and most importantly not always the issues i view as important.

On a typical day I, luckily, drive traffic free to the office, arriving within 3 to 8 minutes late (I’m never quite sure because all my clocks show different times. I do this to trick myself into thinking I am late when I really am not, so then I will be closer to on-time, but the real effect is that I’ve made myself confused as to what time it really is and therefore give up trying to figure out the time…anyways…) Once arriving at work I grab some tea or coffee then start working on the task at hand.

Essentially something needs to be done, pieces need to be organized and processed into a usable and efficient package. Accomplishing this small goal is much the same regardless of what the job is. First I scan the chaos of raw material to pick out the most obvious parts to start with. Using my tools I process the raw materials and after X amount of time have transformed them relevant to the blueprints of what I was instructed should be the finished product.

The repetition of this robot process leads me to grasp to any distraction which provides and excuse for temporary relief of the monotony. My grumbling belly, chance for conversation with my neighbor, the beep of a text message, all these I either welcome the chance and opportunity to tend to or I make a mental note that nature is calling and I must give into the interruption sometime in the near future.

The hour for lunch is my time to indulge in myself, to read and daydream about how I would react if life were this other way or that, or if so and so was here, or what is really going on. I love to spend it alone with my books and only rarely do I find someone else worthy enough to spend this time with.

I leave work at exactly the minute I am allowed to depart and I drive home in a daze, carefully sucking in the life that has been ignored and put on a shelf for the last 10 hours.

“A traveler who has seen many countries and peoples and several continents was asked what human traits he had found everywhere; and he answered: men are inclined to laziness. Some will feel that he might have said with greater justice: they are all timorous [this means: subject to fear; timid]. They hide behind customs and opinions. At bottom, every human being knows very well that he is in the world just once, as something unique, and that no accident, however strange, will throw together a second time into a unity such a curious and diffuse plurality: he knows it, but hides it like a bad conscious – why? From fear of his neighbor who insists on convention and veils himself with it. But what is it that compels the individual human being to fear his neighbor, to think and act herd-fashion, and not to be glad of himself? A sense of shame, perhaps, in a few rare cases. In the vast majority it is the desire for comfort, inertia – in short, that inclination to laziness of which the traveler spoke. He is right: men are even lazier than they are timorous, and what they fear most is the troubles with which any unconditional honestly and nudity would burden them. ” Nietzsche