An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind. Rework worries me. I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself. Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.
Rework makes me feel like shit. Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true. It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault. But I often blame myself, not cognitively. The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage. It is a mess. When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.” I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework. Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears. Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.
I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process. Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off. Sigh… it never ends….
Apologies have so much power. I love apologizing to someone who as just lost a couple points of my respect just to see how they take it. It is funny to see how their whole attitude changes all of a sudden. It went from a situation where no one had yet admitted fault and both parties have looming thoughts of “oh shit, I hope I’m not going to be in the doghouse for doing that,” to “yeah, you did mess up, but it is okay I forgive you.” Whoa, just because I apologize doesn’t mean you didn’t mess up either. And I know you know that you were no angel, but you’re not that smart to have fooled me into disregarding your rather ridiculous behavior.
The funny thing is that I am not talking about one specific situation here. I have a couple in mind actually, all with different parties involved. Taking the blame, to cite a useful example, is actually a very powerful maneuver when I intend to no longer upkeep a relationship with someone. They walk away all proud that they were right (silently thanking god that I didn’t call them out of their fears) and assume, for a while, that my silence is an indication that I am somewhat shy about crossing their path again, leaving me plenty of time to move along with my life without bother from said individual. (Note: this doesn’t apply to you if I still talk to you, and it took rather monumental incidents to illicit this type of extreme I am referencing here, but this was a natural reaction out of me before I realized that it causes problems leading to further analysis in hopes of finding a better way of reacting to such situations).
Sounds harsh, but that’s the difficulty in accepting an apology from someone else. (I’m talking about real apologies from real emotionally heightened situations, not just, “sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you just then.”) In accepting an apology, I do not see how to continue on past that actually. Like, “Okay, I accept your apology, but that doesn’t mean I can act normal around you again.” This coming from someone who actually has never mended a real broken relationship (except for one sorta, which I have no idea how that happened… probably because I have no idea how the relationship really started to begin with and I am rather blurry on what the actual context of the relationship really is/was.. oh right, I fell in love with him rather suddenly, I don’t know why…moving on…). I don’t know what else to say other than, it is over when it is over unless I can somehow manage to dream it back to life. But if I can do that, I’m obviously not over it.
I often confuse myself when I think too much about my opinions of the outside world. As a habit I filter things through my own point of view; I am empathetic. I see great value in this over-thought of what I perceive because of the oddly creative stuff that I find spewing out of my own head. The subtle connections (either real or imagined) provide me a great amount of entertainment in my solitary world as well as make me more self reliant emotionally. So you can say that this is a root factor in my enjoyment of being socially withdrawn. As a habit I see what is on my mind in the world and in what people say. For a while this was rather difficult to shut off, but now that I understand it and am better able to control it to the point that I can use it to my advantage in running “what-if analysis” before making a decision.
I cannot honestly say that I am always aware that I am not objectively interpreting a situation and wouldn’t be made aware until discrepancies start to formulate, only then would I go back and adjust my interpretation. I am not disturbed by this because I am not the only one who misinterprets situations based upon fears or opinions of people involved. The difficultly is proving to people that their interpretation is incorrect and that the meaning was misconstrued due to personal bias. At this point projection bias is then coupled with belief.
Belief can a dangerous thing if one is not willing to introspect objectively or one has no reason to take that extra introspective leap. Additionally, intuition steps in to oppose belief. Running two opposing programs, one in your mind and one fueled by outside parties usually brings action to a halt. Frozen by excessive thought about an over stimulating situation, I can only act as I would have acted if this event had not occurred. Pretty much play it cool until I figure out what the hell to do. So ly in your actions, go through the motions and pretend that all is as it was, pull it off and not even your best of friends will notice that you are facing an internal dilemma of rather large proportions.
Once an action has been made, it is rather difficult to convince people of what was going through your mind this entire time because people don’t realize that one can hide such a problem because they believe that someone wouldn’t hide such a thing. They believe in relying on everyone else to help you through dilemmas and that it is in fact everyone’s business. As if showing weakness is the only way to gain support and get people to connect with you.
All I can do is hope that I have gotten it right, and hope that my hope doesn’t just prolong the torment.