My imagination depresses me. It shows me so much possibility in the world, but when I open my eyes and take a look around, I’m often completely unsatisfied with what I see. On the inside are my goals and dreams, on the outside are the actual tools to accomplish and realize those goal and dreams. Unfortunately, just because the tools are there doesn’t mean that they will be willing to come to my assistance. I always seem to dream one step beyond what i can actually find in the world, hence the depression. This depression always accompanies the resentment because “this is all I can get?!?!? the best I can do?” I just want to step into the world and pick up all the pieces that so nicely fit together to form my life puzzle. This often takes more work, more money, and more energy than I forecast and often leaves me with extra parts and relationships that serve no other purpose but to annoy me. I think I could cope better with more work, more expenses, and more energy being expelled if the “good enough” clingers didn’t drain me dry in the process. It is sad that some people think that love and friendship is in the air when all I did was say hi and have a conversation. I’m sick of being taken advantage of because I enjoy being nice to people. A smile, a glance, and a few conversations mean nothing; nothing other than the fact that you’re speaking with a girl who took etiquette classes in junior high. If all it takes for you to think you like someone is their manners, then I suggest therapy, because you don’t know what love is and you’ll keep getting in people’s way in the process.
Some people are so absorbed in their culture that they have very rigid beliefs about the way society functions, or should function, that it is almost pointless to tell them any of your rather humorous fuax pas because, instead of laughing, they will start to pity you.
The moment you realize you are being pitied, is a moment of truth. The sun shines brighter, a breeze whirls around you, an intensely fresh scent intoxicates you, and it suddenly it hits you that you don’t actually give a damn. You find yourself yelling, “Finally!! I am free of this shit!” with you arms up to the sun in a victory V and your head tilted back. Your mind starts to reconnect the past in ways that make you realize why you’ve been feeling so disconnected with this person for so long but didn’t have words or reason to describe it.
Gingerly, you wait as time passes…”maybe it was just a fleeting moment and I will change my mind,” you think to yourself. But no, as time goes on, life gets better. There is no aching hole to fill, instead you actually enjoy using it for target practice and admire it like a trophy by hanging it on your wall…”See this here,” you imagine telling some future person, “this is all that’s left of that friendship, beat it to the ground didn’t we eh? nothing left to salvage [insert Santa Claus laugh here].” You realize that you didn’t actually need the person at all because you haven’t hardly even had an inkling of a reason to pretend like you are friends with them again. Now there is a whole open space, void of bitching and agreeing-just-to-avoid-negative-situations, that can be filled with new people and ideas and happy thoughts…..
I understand. One thing I’ve noticed is that I can never form strong relationships with the people who I feel like I’d have a connection with, so I’m stuck hanging out with the more uninteresting people who are more accessible. I just think that I don’t naturally understand friendship. As kids we were forced to hang out with people and build bonds, but now as adults we can do our own thing and I find it difficult to merge my “own thing” with someone else’s “own thing”. Don’t get me wrong though, I am happier now that I do not have any close friends: life is drama-free, time passes smoothly, I’m focused on school, my career, and hobbies without anyone reminding me of my failures whenever I’m celebrating a success.
I never understood why people choose to tell me in person that I need to be more like someone else. If you prefer someone else, then go hang out with them, because if you think you’re more compatible with a different type of person, the feeling is most likely mutual. People come and go, and I’ve noticed that if I’m just open to new people I find a real gem of a person to hang out with every year or so. Sounds few and far between, I’ve learned to just keep my eyes open and enjoy the few enjoyables while their life is in sync with mine. In the mean time, I stay out of the personal lives of people I don’t feel a spark for while striving to be a good person.
I have difficulty being friends with people for two reasons:
1) I always have negative thoughts about people swimming in the back of my mind,
2) Everyone is always shit talking everyone else to me.
I am completely confused because deal breakers for me are not the same deal breakers for those people who are already in my world shelling out their opinion like it is Kobe Beef served at the Ritz in Osaka, Japan (as if nothing in the world could possibly be any better than their opinion). Which is fine, but what I really hate is after I get a warning from someone, there is always that look when I go against their warning, which causes me to either have to choose sides or keep my friendship a secret.
I hate bringing my friends together in most circumstances. I love each of them for different reasons and I can’t handle when one person I love dislikes another of equal status. So I usually keep them all separate to preserve my own sanity. Obviously I talk to them because they are nice people whose view of life I respect (or hope to), but goddamn, I can’t help but wonder why my friends are always at war with each other. It must be because I am always at war with myself and the people I associate with usually complement those same competing facets of my personality.
I sat on my couch next to a long-term friend. Myself and another friend (whose mom had just picked her up) had just unintentionally said some hurtful things to this long-term friend and she was determined to get back at me.
“Friend,” she started, “you really need to stop worshiping me so much. People notice that you just jump at the chance to do things for me.”
I tried to explain by saying, “I was just being nice and if I can help any friend out, not just you, I do. Friends give me a reason to do things I wouldn’t normally do if I didn’t have friends.”
She continued by explaining, “You need to be stronger in yourself and not be such a push over.”
This upset me because I valued her opinion. But I took her advice and we are no longer friends because now I hang out with people who actually appreciate me for my type of friendship-style because it is similar to their own.
Confiding in people often only has short term benefits. Essentially what you are doing is willingly giving the receptor of your personal information power over you because of your compulsion to speak out the energy on your mind. In the short term you feel better, hopefully accepted and more clear headed to further sort out your dilemmas. But what does the person you passed along your personal information do with it once your conversation is over? They often confide in someone else because the energy you passed along is too great to keep in (that’s the reason you spoke it out loud to a listening body in the first place). So now this person knows something about you, which you will probably forget about because what they don’t realize is that they heard of the issue at just one moment in the chain of processing data and that that specific moment may not really be of much significance once the overall scheme of things has been played out. Sadly they are left feeling empowered over outdated information.
Sadly, they will remind you of your outdated information. The speaking of emotional gibberish is just that gibberish. A fact that a listener should always take into account when attempting to grasp the macro-situation they have become involved in…. good listeners know this and realize that often people just need the physical breathing body in the room to receive sound waves that come out of their mouth to just feel better. Emphasize “feel better.”
But some listeners do not understand what a person is actually accomplishing by transferring information to them…. these listeners think that they must do something with the information, that they are now somehow involved in the direct line of events… when in reality they are simply perceived as an open ear. In essence, now that they are in “the know” it is now their business. Which is not the case…. they then become meddlers.
The difficulty with a meddler is that they think that meddling is a sign of friendship, like in order to be friends we have to know everything about the person and openly deal with all aspects of them….tiring as it may be, they need to meddle to maintain the appearance that they do have “friends” in order to feel something (confident, happy, cool….anything).
What meddlers don’t understand is that many people do not like their privately conveyed information used as a ball and chain.