I understand. One thing I’ve noticed is that I can never form strong relationships with the people who I feel like I’d have a connection with, so I’m stuck hanging out with the more uninteresting people who are more accessible. I just think that I don’t naturally understand friendship. As kids we were forced to hang out with people and build bonds, but now as adults we can do our own thing and I find it difficult to merge my “own thing” with someone else’s “own thing”. Don’t get me wrong though, I am happier now that I do not have any close friends: life is drama-free, time passes smoothly, I’m focused on school, my career, and hobbies without anyone reminding me of my failures whenever I’m celebrating a success.
I never understood why people choose to tell me in person that I need to be more like someone else. If you prefer someone else, then go hang out with them, because if you think you’re more compatible with a different type of person, the feeling is most likely mutual. People come and go, and I’ve noticed that if I’m just open to new people I find a real gem of a person to hang out with every year or so. Sounds few and far between, I’ve learned to just keep my eyes open and enjoy the few enjoyables while their life is in sync with mine. In the mean time, I stay out of the personal lives of people I don’t feel a spark for while striving to be a good person.
I’ve encountered some opinions about guys (many of which I got from other guys) lately and I don’t know how to process them. First of all, the effects of someone’s opinion can be quite huge especially when there really is no viable way of finding out how accurate the opinion is except to ask other people. Even then, you just get more opinions based on an even larger base of personal experience. So I have to pitch these out, possibly for more opinions but maybe one of those opinions will lead to something that I can actually verify to the point that I stop wondering about it.
First issue: There are many guys who do not have female friends (by friends I mean long term never-slept-with-or-kissed-the-girl type of friendships).
This is confusing issue to me because I have many friends who are guys, mainly because guys are much easier to be friends with and don’t cause weird drama
“If the reader reflects a little upon the meaning of the entity he calls his life, he will find that it is the attempt to carry out a definite program or project of existence. … We are dealing – and let the disquieting strangeness of the case be well noted – with an entity whose being consists not in what it is already, but in what it is not yet, a being that consists in not-yet-being. Everything else in the world is what it is. An entity whose mode of being consists in what it is already, whose potentiality coincides at once with his reality, we call a ‘thing.’ Things are given their being ready-made.” – Ortega
I’m not sure if any one ever told me this before, perhaps I wasn’t listening if they did, but I’ve figured out that it is best not to make dreams that revolve around specific people or events that are outside of my personal control. I say this because I am tired of watching things die. Friendships, dogs, grandparents, memory foam pillows, etc. If things lasted forever then yes, putting them in my dreams would be justified, but I’ve learned over the past two years that it is not safe to do that.
Yes, being completely abandoned, let down, relieved, disappointed, elated, etc are all signs that I am indeed living an eventful life, full of adventurous obstacles to overcome and push my limits through, but a by-product of that is having to constantly push myself further to trust and learn when to rely on new people as well as believe what they are telling me is true. Anyways, I now focus my future plans (as best I can) on elements that are more within my control, and it is great because when influences of others come into play it is a pleasant surprise as opposed to a “oh, I was hoping you would have been like this instead.”