Tag Archives: gaps

On Talking

On Talking

There is something great about new people who enjoy conversing.  By conversing I mean, deep conversing about anything and everything regardless of any emotional or faux pas connotation surrounding the topic (now that I think of it, there are a few exceptions but it really just depends on what direction the conversation is going).  The best is when the dialogue between us flows smoothly and neither one of us is inhibited from fully speaking what is on our minds because we both can roll with the breaks, pauses, and indications without distress or boredom.

I think what I enjoy most are tangents to the point of talking about something completely different from the root topic, then somehow going back to the starting topic as a signal that the conversation is either over, or it is time to move on to a new topic seed.

Talking is a very important connector for me because of the almost endless realm of information discovery potential.  A lack of this connector between myself and someone in my world causes conflict because I don’t always know what to do with people when they aren’t so keen on chatting.  Kind of dangerous because I will just fill in the gaps about them that I wish I could find out from the source.  That fact that I become aware of how distorted my perception is of a specific person acts as a starting point for freeing up energy, so that I can now apply it to someone who enjoys talking as a means of getting to know me.

Retracing Back to the Starting Point

Retracing Back to the Starting Point

The difficulty in assessing the correct answer to the question: “What the Hell Happened?” is that most of the time I am still inside the situation when I start asking that question.

It isn’t until the situation dies down, to a practically non-existant level, that I can look back and see the starting line more clearly, then I realize where it all went awkward.  In hindsight, my first clue to most ackward interactions with people was in fact the first real interaction of the era.  Relationships (of any kind or magnitude) have eras, each of which have distinct characteristcs and levels of involvement which can and often do fluctuate.

So the awkwardness usually starts at the beginning of pivotal points, either when first realizing that the human body presenting itself to me actually is more than a typical drone/robot, when starting to hang out with someone again after a long period of not hanging out with that person, or when moving from acquaintance to friend.  Anyways, in two cases, I have to admit, I honestly loved the awkwardness of it.  I think it is fun and flirty.  The real spark of this writing situation, however, just plain sucked because it was set up vaguely from the start and remained that way the entire time.  I was confused.  In wondering why everything was so vague, I realized that it was me in the first place who kept playing along despite the fact that I can’t handle vagueness with people. My brain fills in the gaps with a bunch of paranoid crap that makes me delete phone numbers because I have no way of ever knowing if I will ever actually get to know certain people who keep appearing in my life.  Perhaps a post on “timing” or “people who don’t talk but still want to communicate” would be more appropriate.

Oh well, the sun is already coming up in another world, I’m sure it won’t take long to find out what is weird about this one.  There is always something weird, one must just be patient and wait for it to manifest and then choose whether or not the person is worth the weirdness and if I am capable of living with their issues.

The Bubbles, Part II

The Bubbles, Part II

There are gaps in time where my social goals are put aside for the sake of indulgence. Aside from these gaps I am doing what I want to do, which, I realize, is not always what is natural to do. But I cannot be both who I want to be and who is natural with certain people, because of this I find myself in a state of being very unsure.

Maybe I am just prone to being unsure and therefore cling to (or create) situations that validate that my feeling is correct. Either way I am better off when in my own element and in the company of those who I do not have doubts about. I am just happy here with the normal ways of things.

Building Monuments

Building Monuments

It is interesting to notice when people do as they are told and compare that to when they rebel. I am wondering what happens when an adult goes against what I am asking them to do, not because it makes sense, but blatantly rebelling for their own reasons, only to much later do exactly as I request, once again for their own reasons. As if I finally provided them with the bricks to build another emotional monument… one they can carry on their backs and use occasionally to stumble under the pressure of.

People can build monuments to any emotion. Loss is a great one to build it to, because it will be on the back of the minds of everyone who bore witness to it or contributed to the creation of the blue prints. The individual will be forgiven for bad behavior because it is widely known the importance of the piece of life that was lost. Having gone through a totally personal and unique experience, one can therefore (often subconsciously) hide in the shadow of their monument to what was lost and reap in benefits from others who subtly sense the monument builder’s new found weaknesses.

The builder thus starts a new cycle of gaining support (not a goal of living a happy, fulfilled life) but just for the sake of getting help and assurance that it is right to build his monument. So you can see that he will fill his workforce with people who need distractions themselves from the gaps in their own lives (chosen or not) and therefore sacrifice themselves to the needs of the monument, they too can now live in its shadow and pay homage to it because it is the only reason they were able to slither into the world of the monument builder and use his resources for shelter from their own cold, beaten, continuously abandoned hearts.

You can see that it is in the best interest of the workers to never let the builder ever realize that this monument does not have to be built. He is thus allowing himself to be taken as a fool…and will blindly continue to do so.

The builder is in fact safe to regain the pieces lost if only he would not spend so much effort building a monument and use that creative energy to fight properly and tactfully for what was lost. This becomes more difficult as the construction process nears completion. The further he goes, the more he is under the supervision of his own workers, who he, deceptively, feels now depend upon him for happiness and support. This is an illusion, they don’t care for him, they are just using him to fill their own gaps for the time being. They are not evil in a sense, just not emotionally fulfilled and happy in their own lives, which isn’t a horrible thing, but they are not the properly progressive influences that the builder stubbornly feels they are. When they themselves realize that they are capable of filling their gaps they will leave the builder to build yet another monument to loss, taking with them the pieces of him they can still use while shitting on the rest. Thus he had cursed himself to work through life as Sisyphus does (you might want to look up the ‘myth of Sisyphus’).

The goal is to notice when you are using a piece of life to build a monument and once you see it, stop building it. Don’t be afraid to face the real motives of construction (workers, building materials, etc), it is better to face reality than keep running to hide from it because once faced, you are then free to happily focus on the far more beautiful and talented aspects of life, including those you once gave up on.