I realized that my keenness to practice patience often places me beyond my comfort zone (not necessarily negative). I enjoy being patient because I like so much to see what assumptions of mine are correct and which turn out to be incorrect, or just a liitle off, etc, etc. So I sit and wait and watch until I’ve gathered enough evidence to support a social theory, which could be negative or positive. At times I throw in a little extra fuel until either an external force throws me off the scent or I get bored with the test because the signals no longer confuse me. Once the mix becomes homogenized, I stamp that layer as “solved” and begin work on the next most confusing thing, which luckily, at this moment, is myself. Swan diving into my psyche is just far more interesting once someone gives me a good reason to put my walls up.
I’ve been indulging myself in a somewhat guilty pleasure lately… well not lately… okay once lately, but most in the recent past. So I figured the best way to really get all my anger over my ex boyfriend abandoning me two years ago was to break the silence that I oh so enjoyed imposing upon him and send him all my anger via email (could be worse…. but he was afraid to actually call me once I gave him the okay [insert evil laugh here]).
It felt great, it felt awesome, I so so so wish I had more to get out of my system but then I realized that I’m still telling him how I feel about him. After all when I thought I was in love with him, I told him I love him… so why can’t I tell him that I hate him now that I realize he completely screwed me over?
Same same. no?
I can feel the boys cringe. There is nothing worse than an angry woman… run run run for the hills! He pissed me off and unfortunately he never learned the magic woman-neutralizing actions to make the situation better (well he was told it, but I doubt he was listening…. no he wasn’t listening)
But it is dangerous to really piss me off. I’m one of those people who is so so patient, so so nice and so so there for you….. until…. until…. you hit the button. The BIG button! Which encompasses treating me like a worthless piece of shit FOR NO GOOD REASON! Forget working it out or even acknowledging it, baby. Then feeling hurt because I’m mad at you for abandoning me.
Luckily I no longer give anyone that kinda power over me. I find my walls extremely peaceful because the only dramas are the daydreams I create in my head stories i read in my books, which… are fun and exciting dramas that don’t cost me anything to play out.