Tag Archives: grad school application

Leading the Way

Leading the Way

I have been told many times that I think too much but sometimes it actually pays off…. I had an Epiphany at about 7:30 this morning, it really has turned what I thought was a big issue that has cost me too many sleepless nights into a the funniest thing I’ve realized in years.

Where to start… Well… bear with me here…..how about with my train of thought as best it went…

So, in thinking about my grad school application and how later today I’m going to an information session for some extra guidance on how to polish off a few things, I realized it is nice to have a leader, someone to trust who I can willingly (not blindly) follow and help navigate. That definitely gives life an extra reason to wake me up in the morning. So then I thought about past leaders, mainly male in this thought stream because the main female leader roles in my life (The G-ma, Mum, Big Sis, best friends, etc) are pretty fulfilled and unwavering. My dad’s role will always be filled but boyfriends, bosses, and co-workers have a high chance of fluctuating. I thought of a time in Sydney when I realized my boss wasn’t so high up in the food chain as I originally thought, because once the big kahuna from Hong Kong was in town, Mr. Boss Man was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Here he was strutting his manager status one minute then loosing feathers the next.

I’m not accustomed to the men in my life being regulated by a real respect-demanding authority figure. My dad, for example, lost his dad when I was two and my ex when he was 16… so their way was the highest way for them and thus you must imagine my sudden surprise to see how men act when a surrogate ‘daddy’ comes to town. Guys think women act funny when their mothers show up, but boys, you do it to and uh, the change in behavior can have much more detrimental effects especially when a lady like myself looks to you as a sort of leader in her life (do not insert feminism here, I’m not in the mood for guys to use it as a excuse to be lazy).

Guys can strut their stuff, and talk their talk, but no matter what, if you can’t walk your walk in front of Daddy, don’t show it off to me because it really just means you’re not strong in yourself, and you can’t hide that. The stance and opinions once expressed were nothing more than mere words that I have heard, thought about, and chosen to agree to…then… What happened to the plan? Only way later do I realize I’ve been taken for a fool because the words only existed in that moment for the purpose of holding up a fa├žade… but I’m laughing at myself for how silly it is not to realize this sooner. Oh god, so so funny…deep belly laugh while multiple memories flash before my eyes as my brain transfers them to a different emotional folder. It is good to know how to laugh at the yourself, it is a very liberating feeling.

Don’t worry, it is all a learning experience, trial and error, practice makes perfect, yadda, yadda, yadda….life goes on.

Feeling Memories

Feeling Memories

I was just sitting, internalized, on my bed curled up in a ball, swaying ever so slightly, meditating my hardest to remember where I put my GMAT score report so I can finish another part of my Grad School Application. Completely stumped, my mind skipped like a rock over the water of other thoughts that I figured might trigger the location of the report paper. Nonetheless the rock fell into the water on a particular topic of thought that I often revisit when I’m in a frustrated internal state and need a smile.

The specific moment of the thought-topic was of no surprise to me… the memory consisted of me in a different, yet sorta similar, sitting pose, gazing intently at the living image in front of me, for how long, I do not know… it seemed like an eternity, yet probably only a few seconds. In that memory I swayed, eyes fixed, ever so slightly as well, but as a fidget, rather than habit, from an over bubbling rush of a feeling that I knew must exist yet honestly had never expected to experience.

At that point I was reliving it again, feeling the flash behind my eyes as the bright blue pierced into me, the intent rush of amazement, then came the realization that it was too late, it took me by surprise, I didn’t intend to fall in love like this – in this way, I should never have gotten myself in this situation and let this happen, it’s not safe. I must have let my guard down somewhere, in sometime, but it was too late for that and yet oh so soon all at the same time. Maybe I put that paper in my night stand. No, not there either. Thank god for The Giver.